In The Same Boat As All Of You-- My Story

Hi all, I totally forgot about this site after I joined years ago. I joined to comment on someone's post I stumbled upon (not in this group)

Anyhow, I was looking up about sexless marriages and found this group the other day.

I am the wife who has a high sex drive with a husband who has none. It didn't start that way. We met in 2000 while he was in college and had a great sex life. From 2002 we had a long distance relationship for 18 months, then I went to meet him in Australia (where we married) so we could be together while he studied in MBA.

The stress of the MBA program knocked his sex drive down. We averaged about once or twice month only because I initiated. I did initiate a lot more but was rejected all the time. When we moved back to his country after his graduation his sex drive never recovered (even during the time he didn't have a job yet, which was months)

My initiations have literally been rejected 100% of the time for the last 6 years. Oh wait, I should say 99% of the time because there was once that he rejected me, saw the disappointment on my face, then said, "ok, just for you." and gave me mercy sex (such a ****** feeling, but I take what I can get)

There have been nuuuuuumerrrous discussions/arguments about his lack of a sex drive and the times I get angry about it he finally initiates sex a day or two later (again mercy sex). Aside from intercourse, he does usually go down on me and brings me to ******.

A few years ago the sex was averaging once every month or two, and sometimes sex consisted of just super quickies (and I mean quick..ending in less than a minute, which never happened before) with him occasionally going down on me.

Here is just a quick copy past from another forum I wrote on:

"After yet another discussion about my frustration I asked him if he is completely happy with how little we have sex. he said that for himself he is, though he feels guilty that I am not satisfied.

One thing he said that pissed me off was "at least I can *** really fast now"... WTF? I asked him if he thinks its a good thing and he said it was. I told him "what the **** is 30 seconds of ******* supposed to do for me?" and he said "but I go down on you... well, ok, not every time" ... a quickie here and there is exciting in a normal sexual relationship... but not the one I am in right now, and I don't expect him to go down on me every single time.

We were talking a bit more and he said that it is a huge effort to have sex ...basically it is a chore. he feels so much stress in his life that sex is not even on any to-do lists anymore."

Ugh my post is getting long so I will try to make the rest of it as condensed as possible...

He once told me he felt too much pressure so I backed off completely thinking he may reward me. Instead, he ran with the convenience of me not nagging him and the sex was about once every couple of months.

Here is another copy/past from the other forum I wrote in July of this year:

"The last time I mentioned sex at all was maybe 7,8 months ago and I had said something to the effect that we hadn't had sex in a while and he said,

"Maybe I should divorce you so you can have sex."

I was stunned, and he realized what he said and tried to play it off as a joke saying "just kidding, take me with you!"
(I have no idea what the take me with you part was about)

He totally wasn't joking though... that is what he said in a moment of frustration... even though it had been a long time since I talked about our sex life with him.

I haven't been able to bring up sex with him since and it has been over a year now and there has been no sex at all. (though I did finally ask him and we had sex the next couple of days... )

My husband tells me he loves me and stuff several times a day, every single day, and wants to cuddle all the time. It i just there is not passion and that sexual lust. Not even kissing. I ask him all the time to kiss me with passion but he says he isn't the kissing type (even though back in the day he was). So all I get are quick kisses. Nothing deep and sensual.

I love him so much but every now and then I get overwhelmed with sadness and silently cry while he sleeps next to me. Like I am crying right now... the sadness came over me while giving him a massage... just getting turned on by touching his back but knowing nothing will happen. And then he cuddled with me until he fell asleep while I wish he would get turned on by my butt pushed up against him like he used to when we used to cuddle the first few years of our relationship.

But I will say its not like I am crying over it all the time... I just get sad every now and then.

I can get some of my frustration out by working out intensely..I currently workout about 2 to 2+1/2 hours a day 4-5 days a week... but it doesn't lower my sex drive one bit...

I am not here asking for help because there is no help for me... just venting."

The last sex we had was in July. I finally had a discussion with him over it the other day and yesterday I texted him while at work asking what I need to do as a wife to get him to have sexual feelings again--I basically said that I really really love him and all he does for me and that I will be a better wife to him if I am lacking in any way. He texted back:

"You are going to make me cry... Listen. I couldn't ask for a better wife. You are good to me and my mom and family. You do so much for me... I love the way you are. I enjoy being with you all the time. I just don't know what's up with sex though. It should come naturally rather than feeling it is a duty. I will work on it love, I promise."

So this is where we are at now. And I still keep hoping...

---I am so sorry my story got so long.

DesertBreeze DesertBreeze
36-40, F
7 Responses Nov 26, 2012

same feelings with me..

i enjoyed reading ur story, of course not to say i enjoy ur pain. u did a great job explaining ur history. i constantly feel rejected and similar to u, my husband is NOT a bad guy. he does some things right, very right but it doesnt resolve the loneliness and isolation i feel with him. so difficult to "throw baby out with the bathwater", not every situation is transparent. thx and good luck to u sweetie

Don't be sorry for writing this much ...I'm sure you have so much more to tell most of us. It feels good to let it flow....It becomes toxic when it builds up .
I wish there was an easy answer for you . An easy answer for us all.
It is good that you are working hard to keep yourself busy and distract you from your all consuming problem. The exercise that you are doing may even be boosting your drive!
It's one of the things they suggest for improving sex drive.... Tell your husband to exercise instead ....Not so simple i know, just wishful thinking.
Your husband feeling that sex is a chore is not a good sign, but i can understand what he means by that. Some years ago it would have been my husband commenting on EP the way i am now. I have been on both sides of the SM problem, yet it makes me no better at handling it. I do have a better understanding of the things that cause us to lose or rediscover our drive.I have done a lot of reading about all this and it has helped , but it doesnt remove any of the past hurt . My situation now is nothing compared to yours and i feel guilty about that. What amazes me is that we all share the same feelings when it comes to the lack of intimacy we require from our partner, regardless of how much each of us are not getting .
When I am really upset about my needs being ignored i keep thinking this ( and have said it ).... If i was starving ,would you not give me food ? If I was dying of thirst, would you not give me water? So now that I'm dying from lack of intimacy with you ( and only you ) will you not take me in your arms and give me what I need the most ????

How can this need be any less important than the other essential for life???
I find myself getting madder the more my husband does for me, rather than to / with me!!
I know it's wrong, but the more time he spends cleaning the kitchen at night, when i have left the dishes on purpose , so as to increase the time we could be enjoying each other,the more it upsets me !!
Anyway....I wish you well on your journey to happiness .....I can see that you were not in a happy place when you were here in Australia , but i hope we made you feel welcome and hope you enjoyed your time here..

Ugh that is frustrating that your husband doesn't get that you are trying to create time to spend together... does he do the things for you (like cleaning the dishes) because he is doing it for you as a nice gesture? Or does he do it to avoid you?

It is horrible to be so deeply in love and to know my husband is deeply in love with me and then not have that intimacy I need. I used to really think it was me and thought he would divorce me soon... but from the many conversations we have had and his actions toward me i know he loves me...just doesn't have the sexual urges anymore. He really does A LOT for me... so i go through times of just adoring him to times of wanting to rip his head off because of the sexual frustration.

I thought exercise would help him too. Almost 3 years ago we both did some intense exercising together for 6 months. We did two workout programs, Chalean Extreme and P90X. I thought especially with P90X that he would end up with some sex drive.... nope, nada!

Exercising helps to get my frustrations out but it sure keeps my sex drive healthy! But it is better to feel healthy rather than using food to numb my feelings like I used to.

Also with the sexual frustration comes sleepless nights. I go through cycles of sleeping just fine to sleeplessness at my most frustrated times.

I was not unhappy at all in Australia...the lack of sex was new (well, except we had been apart for 18 months with the exception of the 2 weeks i visited him in his country) and he was really really stressed out from school so I totally had patience thinking once he is done his sex drive will recover. My husband and I loved it there-- except the fact that stores closed at 5pm since we are night birds lol

Thanks for your reply.
My husband doesn't do tasks to avoid me ( at least i don't think he does ) he just does what needs to be done . He is a great help at home and always has been. Even though he works 70 hour + weeks , he always pitches in. I tend to think he is just not on the same wave length as me.
God you made me laugh, when you said that you go from adoring your husband to wanting to rip his head off, from the sexual frustration.....I go through that as well....
I suggested the exercise because my husband said he always felt more in the mood when he was really active, teaching Les Mills classes at the gym , some years ago. Also because it boosts testosterone.
When i read your story and those of many others here, i sometimes think that i don't belong here because my story is not as bad as many i have read.
When my husband is in the mood things are wonderful...I just wish that i didn't have to wait so long inbetween and didn't have to beg when i am, and be turned down , yelled at, or left to sleep alone.( doesn't help that he is working interstate now , for half of each month ) I hate the panic attacks that come when i know that i will end up just where i knew i would ,on the nights that i made sure i created spare time for us ( the dishes can wait ).
I have left the bed on many occasions to go and do dishes at midnight, or even spring clean the book let off steam.But when i crawl back in bed, sleep does not come.
I'm glad that your exercise make you feel good , it's a shame you couldn't get that from intimacy with your husband .
My marriage seemed to be comimg to an end at the beginning of this year, but now things are better, but there is alway some issue somewhere (like everyone else.)My husband loves me , but i still feel like i dont exist at times.
If i had to do it all over again , I would still choose him....I would just do things better.
It's a real shame you are not still in Australia, I would love to buy you lunch...I think we would have much to talk about ......

Led Mills! I love Les Mills! I am doing Les Mills classes at the gym right now... Body Combat, Body Attack, and Body Pump. An American company named Beachbody is selling the Body Pump program on video to the public and my husband just started it. Let's see if Les Mills works up his sex drive! But if P90X didn't do it i doubt body pump will...

Awww that would have been nice if we could have met while i was in Australia. Although during talks about sexless marriages, i would have been oblivious of what was to come as I was just sure my problem was temporary.

Do not feel guilty just because others might have it worse... every SM is going to have different circumstances... i even have read some stories where there is no warmth from some peoples' spouses.. like Rose's "To those Considering a Sexless Marriage" story... and i thought "OMG i didn't even think about people being in a sexless marriage also not receiving more basic stuff like hugs and kisses or kind words because i get those every single day!". And then thought I don't have it as bad as others. But i realize now we just have it bad in different ways.

My husband still has all his Les Mills training dvds, he use to practise at home everyday....I was busy with toddler and baby at the time.Back then he complained about my low/lost drive.He has started gym work again lately and is enjoying it again. This might be a good thing !
You do think that this problem will just go away....then you realise it's been going on far too long.
Let's hope that your husband finds his libido this time round.
I can't remember if you have mentioned whether your husband has ever seen a doctor or psychologist about any of this. There has to be a reason that he just can't make sex part of his "to do list ". He sounds like a good husband in all other respects. Saying that sex is a chore means that he feels overwhelmed by the pressures of work / life.If you haven't already, have a look at the book "The Sex Starved Wife " you might find something you haven't tried yet. I know that stress was the cause of my lost drive , and my husbands.
Your husband had his once , it's not lost , he just needs to find it.
I hope things start to improve for you very soon, lots of luck..

3 More Responses

how is it working out now

It's not, unfortunately

thats not a good thing,frustration from the lack of sex and passion,can really have a adverse effect on your life,,

I am sure it does... but still going to hang in there for the meantime.

do you find pleasure with another online,,,something you like ?

1 More Response

Some relationships are great friendships but the chemical attraction isn't there for one party or the chemical need for sex isn't there. For others there is a great need to not be vulnerable but instead to control something about or in the relationship, almost as if it's something to be proud of. It doesn't much matter why because at the end of the day he doesn't want to have sex with you and that isn't going to change. You have to decide what to do next.

Stay and accept it. Stay and outsource. Leave.

Tied to the "leave" option should be "and find the love and passion you want in life after you pick yourself up off the ground and heal".

You decide.

I really don't think he is in a mode of trying to control something or that he is angry with me etc... He just literally has no sex drive. He tells me about co-workers or friends who constantly talk about sex and he actually is so surprised at how horny these guys are all the time.

Working on sex so that it comes naturally is oxymoronic. You know tha score..this is not going to change because your spouse has the perfect marriage - for him.

sigh... you are right. I can't help but hope... but I KNOW it's not going to change.. yet I still hope...

Good to see you work out so diligently. You are going to need every bit of endurance you can get to survive the next 50 years of this.

Tread your own path.

Incidently, I might be able to shed some light on that bit that you didn't get when he said "just kidding, take me with you". (It isn't very enlightening). If he is Australian, it probably derives from a song by the band 'Mental As Anything' titled "If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too". It was an 80's number.

yes, well..thank God I am working out... for my health. But it is just a distraction for me from the lack of sex.

About the "...take me with you." that is interesting... but my husband isn't Australian, I really think he just got flutered and knew he ****** up in that moment and just said whatever first came to mind.