Finding Happiness In A Sexless Marriage

I have been in a sexless marriage for 17 years. I fought hard to keep the sex going but my husband just has no interest. I first blamed myself - was I not good enough, was I not sexy enough, was I not fit enough and the list went on and on.

Then, there was this period of time where I gave up on us having sex and had several affairs, some even with friends of both of ours. I realized then that it was not me because I was able to get men really easily. Each time I had sex with someone outside of my marriage I felt horrible. Sex without love is nothing more than ************ with guilt, chance of disease and makes self-esteem lower than I ever thought I could feel.

Now I have stopped having sex outside my relationship. My husband and I have been in and out of therapy three times and he feels horrible that he can't give me what I want and sometimes feel I need. The more we talked in therapy the more I realized how much he loves me but that he CAN'T give me sex.

I love my husband with all my heart and I finally have come to a place of peace. I know I won't leave him because I love him so it's not a question in my head, it's something I know. We all have crosses to carry and this is mine. I pray, I look at ****, I go into sex chat rooms and I have learned really well how to pleasure myself.

When I finally told my husband that we didn't have to try to work on our sex life anymore it brought peace to both of us and increased our intimacy. We hug and cuddle constantly. We don't have sex and we don't kiss passionately but we have each other to hold.

I know the easy way is to leave the marriage but if you love the person you are with do you think you could find the same love somewhere else? I pose this as a question for you because I know my answer.
lovethesurf lovethesurf
18-21, M
8 Responses Nov 26, 2012

I understand you love your husband as I love my boyfriend but why is it that we have to be in a relationship like this when we've done nothing wrong? My boyfriend is doing wrong and your husband is not giving you sex, it's not us it's them and here we are on a website looking for understanding and right now my boyfriend is in there playing video games.

? You are listed as age 18-21 and male, but you write as a female and say you've been married for 17 years. I realize you may be trying to create a defensive profile, but there's also a credibility factor to consider ...

BTW, you say "the easy way is to leave the marriage". There is NOTHING EASY about leaving a marriage. Sometimes, however, it's best for all concerned to leave.

Can you say, "Houston, we have a problem."

I am hesitant to respond to a profile that is, um...less than genuine.

Defensive profiles make perfect sense........why not be supportive instead of acting jerky? We have enough of that at home.

How wonderful for you - and please, pvss off with the "easy ways is to leave the marriage" bit, that's offensive. Very glad you have other interests which appear to make it easier for you.

I was about to post something similar to this. Leaving my sexless marriage has been the single most wrenching thing I've done in my life. I personally think staying would have been easier in terms of pain density, but in the long run the thousand cuts take their toll. Even if it was easy (and I stress again it's not), why CAN'T love be easy, something that two people can share and compromise to get some of what everyone wants.

I agree with you both 100%.

I think this is a awesome story and I am glad I took the time to read it. Leaving is easy. It's staying and making it work for you that is the hard part. I have been reading story after story on this site about how it's not ever going to work, counsling, therapy, it's this problem and that problem and in the end almost all of the advice is the same. Leave him. I can not and will not leave my husband. I love him and other than this problem we have no problems and I agree this is a big problem but there is more to my marriage than sex. I miss sex. I miss the intimacy of having sex with someone I love. I miss my husband but there is so much more. I am so glad that I found someone who feels the same way as I do and not just give up. My biggest issues with my husband is 1, he made the choice to not have sex without telling me and 2, he's not willing to go to a doctor to find out what's wrong because I do think there is a chemical imbalance here. I just wanted to say thank you to the author of this post. I am so glad you didnt give up and shared your story.

Yay! Sounds like you have a great roommate! Congratulations on that.

Thanks for you comment. I always appricate someone with a good insite into what I'm feeling. And so so helpful as well.

The hardest choice is leaving. If it were that easy most here would of checked out years ago.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Yeah, if/when you leave, you do it for a wide variety of reasons. Being easy is NOT one of them.

Youre looking in the wrong place. I bet there's one of two reasons your husbands not having sex. It is either low testesterone or high estrogen, get his hormones tested.

I can tell you, right this very moment, that leaving is the hardest, most scary and sad thing I have ever done. I stayed for 16 years, 6 which which were good. I am being tested at my very core. It sure doesn't seem bloody easy from this viewpoint.

<p>"I know the easy way is to leave the marriage"</p><p>Tell me some more about this "easy" way please.</p><p>I found it to be the hardest and most challenging choice I ever made. Where did I go wrong ??</p><p>Tread your own path.</p>
PS. You've done brilliantly well as an 18-21 year old man to have been a wife for 17 years.

You know, I try really hard to curb my judgemental streak, but sometimes, it gets away on me.

Ffsakes, really?

Yes .. I was wondering about the profile too ?????