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For Now But Not For Much Longer

I have been married for five years. In the last two years things have really changed. We use to have sex five or more times a week and now its like maybe twice a month, if that. Our sex drives never really matched but it was never like this. The times we do have sex now it is very emotionless, passionless, and unfullfilling. We dont have any real connection anymore. I have talked to my husband about this and he just gets upset or tells me I'm overracting. If it was just sex I could probably live with it. I would hate it but I could handle it. But there is no touching, kissing, or any kind of imtimacy. I have debated getting a divorce for the last year. My husband is very private and would never consider therapy. As I said, I've tried to talk to him and goes no where. I've brought up divorce in the past and he said hes happy and finds no problem with our marriage. This last weekend I told him I wanted a divorce. I dont know if I'm doing the right thing. I'm a little scared of starting over at my age. I know I may end up alone. Before that thought scared me into settling for what I have. But I realized these past months I'll be okay alone. I would have never taken the chance before but now I'm ready. Hopefully I wont regret it.
jencpa jencpa 31-35, F 8 Responses Nov 27, 2012

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I hope you can do what's best for you. Don't worry about your age. Many here have found love and intimacy at different ages.

I wrote this a few months ago. Now I really dont know what to do. Well I do I just am too scared to actually do it.

We're here for you. I feel similarly. Wife is starting to show signs of life! But I'm worried it'll be just enough to keep me comfortable before she regresses again. I just started noticing your stories so I'll make an effort to follow your progress. Good luck!

I do not believe you will end up alone at all.There are millions of people in the same boat that are looking for each other once they become free.hang in there.

"twice a month if that"
We are in our mid thirties and for us it is more like once in two months if i'm lucky, if you feel that your situation warrants a divorce, then what the **** am I doing still in my relationship...
Most of the points you made could be said about my situation,
Wishing you all the best for the future.

I'm sorry your in that situation. I did think twice a month was nothing until I looked at what some people say on here. To me twice a month is way way way too little. But if it was just the sex I was missing I think it would be easier to stay but we dont kiss and we barely touch. I know there is a lot more to marriage then sex but there just feels like there is so much missing without it. I hope things get better for you, best of luck.

Jencpa - I definitely relate to this statement.... It is not just the SEX... It is the kissing, the cuddling and the connection that comes from it...... Dealing with the rejection that comes from the lack of an intimate connection is hard also and it hurts......

Hello Ms. JenCPA,

I have read your story a few times, and have pondered your situation before writing to you.

My guess is that all of your husband's "needs" are being fulfilled by your presence. In other words, he has a decent place to live, he is happy with your cooking, happy with your housekeeping. Do you pay the bills, and manage the finances? Thought so! (after all you are a CPA!)

Please notice how I mentioned all of the things that HE is satisfied with in your marriage. I did not mention any of your happiness, which I suspect is little (in comparison with Hubby's degree of happiness).

Let's re-run through the above list with YOU in mind:
He has a decent place to live --- but it is YOU who does most of the housekeeping, laundry, lawn mowing?, buying groceries, running errands. I imagine these activities (although they are capable of fulfillment to you) give you no where near the contentment Hubby receives from your good graces.

He is happy with his meals -- but who does the meal planning, who does the grocery shopping, the cooking, setting the table, cleaning the table, washing dishes AND putting them away??? No wonder he's happy here, too! Can he cook? Didn't think so!

He is happy with the general condition of the household -- but who decides when to wash floors, walls or windows? Who puts things away? (They don't get put away by themselves, as you know!) Who cleans the house when company is coming over? Does he do ANY of the above? See? That's why HE is happy and you are borderline miserable.

* * * * * * * * *

I can continue with this line of questioning, but you get the idea: Hubby is happy because you are is Mommy! His needs are fulfilled, but what about yours?

Honestly, Jen, I cannot in good conscience say whether you should stay with him or leave him -- it's none of my business! Only YOU can make your own decisions, because Hubby won't.

If you were to go on strike, and cease making the meals, paying the bills, keeping house, etc. etc, you would have a very unhappy camper on your hands! You may wish to make it know just how lopsided your marriage is ... in terms of your "putting out", and how little of it he provides in return.

Wouldn't you think, if he sees what a wonderful partner you are in your marriage, that he could maintain his "good life" ... if he learns (the easy way or the hard way) how much you will be missed if YOU are gone from his life.

Enough of my rambling.


AnonymousBut Candid

P.S. I am a happily married man who REALIZES the value of a great wife.

You are scared of starting over at 31--35? When did you have your midlife crisis, at 18? You think starting over will get easier when you are 40, then 50, then 60?

No but I've considered just staying instead of having to start over.

If it was just that, I wouldnt be worried.

Have you seen a lawyer in your jurisdiction yet - to see how a divorce would shake out for you ?<br />
<br />
Information makes for informed choices, and it is your obligation of choice that is the only thing that is going to get you to an enhanced life.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Obviously it depends on where you're living, but really, the early 30s dating scene is vibrant. You'd have to be venomously anti-social to receive no interest at all, it's not that cruel a world...

I know, I was more thinking being alone as in never getting remarried, not just dating.

Understood. For me it was just not worth staying. From what I've experienced, there's lots of people in every age group looking to find a partner, whether that's for a night or for life. My observation is that even when it's just a casual thing, if there's a connection, most people are willing to pursue it to see where it goes. So, yes, it's re-rolling the dice, but for me it's been worth re-rolling.

I agree it is worth rolling the dice for. Its still a little scary though.

Dear Jencpa,
I started over at 578 and am now in the best relationship of my life!! You are still a young woman with your whole life ahead of you!

Congratulations on taking this brave step. From your description, your husband fits the classic Refuser model - and therefore ANY chance of things improving in your marriage are zilch.

You will find it hard and you will be sad. But you WILL be OK - more than OK, you will be FINE! And you are opening the way to finding a partner in life who can be all the things you want and need. Good for you!!

Thank you, I really needed to hear that.

Whoops!! 57! Not 578!! Even I am not THAT old!!

lol Enna. I was truly in awe of you at that moment. Starting over at 578 is impressive! Makes 57 seem downright simple. :)

Maybe I should not have corrected the error - 578 seems pretty awesome to me too!! ROFL! your heart out, Methusela!

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