I Can't Even Say How It Hurt My Ego...

It's amazing and sad how huge a king size bed can be. He would hug the edge of the bed. Whenever I would try to make love I would be told, "Not tonight, I am tired." I believed he was tired. So I started timing my tries to his middle day off (he worked 3 on 3 off). He had a day of rest and didn't work the next day. I still got the same. Sometimes I was sure he pretended to be asleep to avoid me even trying. I would cry myself to sleep most nights. I did this for years. I got excited if he watched ****. He wouldn't watch it with me but I hoped it would turn him on for me. He bought me toys. They're good but the real thing is great. (really wonderful combined! Lol) I wanted him. I loved him. When we got married, all I saw was a happy future. We had a son, bought a house, had a daughter. Living the American dream. But sex came less and less and it seemed only if he was desperate or turned on by someone else. I didn't feel attractive at all. He wouldn't even hold my hand if we went shopping or something. I couldn't figure out why we were still married. He obviously didn't really love me. Were we together because of the kids? House? Etc. I never could have imagined cheating when I got married.

You hear stories of women who "decorate the house" while their husband is on top of them. I never could believe that. Why? I was always focused on him and that sex was an expression of our love. I had the group of friends who complained their husbands always wanted it. I came to the conclusion that I should hang out with them and send my husband to the wives saying how much the others wanted it.

I never thought I would cheat. But after 8? Years of not enough sex or affection (when he was home he was in basement and kids and I upstairs) I felt so horrible about myself. So along comes a smooth talker who complementedme. He knew what to say. That becomes an addiction. To have someone tell you what you haven't heard, wow. My husband probably won't believe this, but I still never planned on cheating. But I did so enjoy the flirting. I ate a lot of lunches at the restaurant he managed. For a few months. Then I got myself in a situation that I can't exactly explain. No was said, but not for long enough. Then I don't think I could admit I messed up and didn't want to do that. Plus once I am your friend I stay your friend. (sometimes naively)

Long story a bit shorter at the end here, it almost cost me my marriage. Cause of course once you get that high you want it again. (thats why I don't do drugs and have never been drunk, addiction runs in my family). Now, my husband and I are talking and yes having sex incredibly regularly. He still checks my phone calls/texts. He has my password on here to see if I do anything too wrong. I don't (he is on here more than I am). We started talking about everything. Omg why didn't we do this years ago? I am so happy now. But I have to admit, some days I am afraid he will go back to his old ways. I have lots of hope tho--I have worked last two Sundays and he has taken me to lunch both of them, while our football team was playing! Finally I am feeling loved more than anything to him. It's scary and wonderful. I hope those of u currently in a sexless marriage can get out of it before you two forget how much you love each other.

I take each day and make sure I tell him that I love him. He is doing the same. In fact, he has his hand on my shoulder in his sleep. We haven't slept not touching in two months. There were times in years past, that if he wasn't snoring, I wasn't even sure he was in bed with me! This king size bed is wonderful now--plenty of room to move (in all the good ways!) I wish you all well and success in your relationships! And, honey, of you read this, I love you and am so glad we kept giving each other more chances....
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15 Responses Nov 28, 2012

HRH, yours is the happy ending that I wish for everyone in the same situation.

Better yet, though, for those who are starting to fall into the trap that you (and I) stumbled into, I'd like to recommend taking drastic measures to save things before it goes too far. Get to counseling with your spouse while you still care about each other.

And if your spouse stumbles and you still love them, forgive while you still can. And work it out.

You might be able to guess by now... I stumbled and was not forgiven. I had an online affair (never met the woman in person) and she could never forgive me for it.

Message to your hubby: It's a true act of love that you are willing to make it work, reassure her,pphysically, spiritually, often and genuinely. Chances like that don't come twice.

Thank You! Love stories with happy endings. Stay with it/him. :)

A very good post! I wish I had a way to get my wife to see the light! We have wasted so many years, and I have no Idea why?

I wish talking did help. it seems to push her further and further away. The best times seem to be when we avoid each other completely.

Perhaps cheating was the wake up call. But you have probably been one of the luck few that got off lightly, becuase most times the reaction of a spouse once an affair is exposed is Volcanic with lots of destructive behavoural consequences that follow.

I agree with you in your honesty about passwords no secrets etc and yes that full disclosure is an essential part of rebuilding the trust.

However there is a fine line between honest disclosure and controlling behavour. I'm glad its working out for you and if he does go back to his old behavour a polite talking too might do the trick.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

you will most assurdly have a long road to hoe...once a trust is broken...my experience is that it can never be repaired...ggod luck to you

Thank u for the story, and remember yr marriage is between you and him. I always say, people with nothing to hide ,hide nothing. God luck to u both

Sounds like your straying was a wake up call...this sounds just like my life (even the hubby-in-basement part) so maybe I need to do the same!!!!!

Agree with Baz below....

"Miracle cure! W has affair, gets caught, H then monitors her every move and yet is sexual with her again!"

Well if that's the case, good for you! But I wouldn't trust it as a "miracle cure", as we've got the flip side: "W has affair, gets caught, gets beat up/financially left devestated/harassed emotionally by still sexless PA H!"

Good for you! Your husband is a very lucky man to have a wife who wants and desires him as much as you do.

Yay for you! So nice to hear a story where things are getting better.

Keep us updated. I may need to live vicariously through you. Ha!

happy for both of you :)

Cool! I know if I cheated on my W and she caught me it would just mean an uglier divorce.

How fortunate for you both. As for the H monitoring you I think is fair for you need to be transparent to him and allow his trust to be re built.

Now, how long? You know trust is a learned behavior. You learn to trust just as you do to distrust.

You need to give him nothing but the 100% trust that he will remain responsibly plugged in to your needs.

As for he, he needs to reinstall his 100% trust in you at some respectable time period and allow himself to to be lifted from the burden of the constant stress he will endure in monitoring your every move.

You both give it 100% and if one breaks it again you deal with that situation at hand and if you can not go back to 100% trust again then choices are made.

How lucky for you both at this point!

Hey husband glad to see you stepping up!

Well trust is both ways. I think you need to learn to trust that him as well - he "betrayed" you & the marriage by neglecting you all those years, and your "betrayal" was an offshoot of that neglect.

Looking at por*n? Talking to other women?

Is that not infidelity? I guess not if you approve of it.

He has not been faithful?

Lets keep inventory on you, but do not on him?

To many Questions?

Something should be wrong with this. Just saying.

Well I feel the norm when it comes to looking at a pic of a girl would be via a email received or the latest swimsuit edition.

When someone sits on a computer a lot looking at por*n or pics of similar nature it is a sign of a problem within ones self.

There is a reason for that obsession.

People use risky behavior , shopping, drugs, alcohol, sex, and work to deal with there mental health problems. They don't think there is anything wrong with them selfs. But there is. They are using these actions as a Prozac to cope.

Go read johnlava's confession. And other personal stories. He was ****** up for a long time, but he's trying.

3rd person ...

I know, cool, huh? I'm a real person. We never denied we were married, but didn't advertise it either.

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You didn't tell why your hubs changed! Has he found out that you cheated? Realised that he doesn't want to loose you?

Thanks for your reply, hubs and I changed things to the better but it's far from perfect.

So essentially, this could just have likely been written by Mr Hotredhead.
The aroma of rodent is increasing.

Staggering similarities in the profiles of Hotredhead and "johnlava"

there is a couple ,or at least they claim to be a couple, here on e/p that comments on political grps,we all suspect its the same person. its common for one person creating a persona of being a couple.

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He checks your phone calls ?
He checks your texts ?
He checks your internet use-age ?
And you are OK with and allow this invasive and controlling behaviour ?

And this is suppossed to be an intimate partnership between two respectful adults ?

Tread your own path.

how did he spy on u before

This sounds worrying to me. If he was doing it before it smacks of a lack of trust to me. I hope once a suitable period has passed that you consider reacquiring your own privacy and rely on the trust which should be present in your relationship that you both will volunteer information which the other might be interested to know, rather than have him hunt his way through your metaphorical purse for it.

You don't know all the details. This sounds pretty whitewashed.

the way you phrase ur comment, comes across as... la te da. just another day of him checking up on me.no big deal

yea but you said he has checked up on u before

This has taken place over 5 plus years, only ending recently. I was more than patient. And perhaps a coward for not leaving. I thought I would be alone forever after.

john you said you deleted ur account ,hmmmmmm

so john you are now answering fot hot hmmmmmm..... whose on first, whose on second whose on third syndrome....

I was going to but changed my mind. It was rocky at first, when we both got on here. It's smoothed out considerably.

Gypsy I tried to message you but can't. Message me and I will answer any question you like.

Gypsy I tried to message you but can't. Message me and I will answer any question you like.

gypsy said.... my settings are set to denie people acess to my profile who are involved with sexual activity.

Then may I ask why are you here. This isn't exactly sexual in nature, but a lot is. Are you studying people?

im not here for a sexual experience, not looking for a hook up.... un like ur self

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