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Still Trying To Find My Way

I have been reading storys on this site for about a week now and I have come to the conclusion that most people say the same thing. That I should leave my husband because he does not want to have sex. I am trying so hard to deal with this because I love him so much that the thought of not having him around is just really hard to imagain. I want to have sex. I want to have sex with my husband. We have built a life together and have a history that we both agree is special to us. Is that worth throwing away just to have sex? And if I do find someone who is willing to have sex with no strings attatched how does a conversation like that begin? What happens when it's over? I have been given advice to find someone in a similar situation. How do you find people like that? Wow this really sucks.... no pun intended. And what if the new sex is bad? Do you "break up" with someone who your just having sex with? How crappy would I feel if I put myself out there and the sex was bad?? OMG There is so much to think about..... GRRRR
bjbsipe bjbsipe 46-50, F 7 Responses Nov 28, 2012

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I didn't want to give up on my STBX.
...What I did was defined what I needed to be happy.
I then worked towards finding a clear indicator that (a) I could possibly achieve happiness in the marriage or (b), an indication that no matter how hard I worked, that it was not possible to be happy.

...I figured out my spouse is pretty much asexual, and since she'd already taken an open marriage off the table as an option...I could not be happy.

There is lots of understanding here. After reading for nearly 2 weeks straight it seems we all have the same stories, emotions, and gut wrenching pain. Some of us have been in this hell for years,others new to SM.

There are many paths, journey's, and decisions shared here with the consequences of the twist and turns taken.

Read read read and begin to let your inner self talk to you as to what your path needs to be. We are here for you.

You are very right...there is much to think about.

I love my wife too, but sometimes we fight like cats and dogs, but the bottom line is recently i was faced for the second time with a bout of no sex at all.

A first time lasted 3 months, second time lasted 6 weeks. Both times i had decided that going without sex was a deal breaker for me and could possibly signal the end of the marriage. This included the 10 years we have been together, the cars possessions and life shared.

In my humble opinion sex is a major part of marriage. Barring medical reasons that arent self inflicted if sex is taken off the table than yes Divorce it should be.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Deal with your situation first, then worry about creating a new situation - i.e., find out what you want to do about your marriage (divorce etc), then worry about meeting someone for sex. That's my advice, but you can read about other's paths on here as well. NO condemnation from me either way.

There are two possible reasons why "people here say the same thing".

#1 - would be that the people here are all jaded unhappy people keen to tear down the institution of marriage and are therefore urging people to leave so the ranks of said jaded unhappy people are increased.

#2 - would be that it is a group of people who are going through (or have been through) what you are going through and they are attempting to save you from unecessary pain.

It would be YOUR call as to which motivation is the true one, and naturally you would pretty much discount any opinions given if your call is that the membership here are in the #1 school. If this is your call, then you can probably save a heap of time and aggravation by back arrowing out of here and logging off.

On the off chance that you are still reading I offer you this -
- keep reading here. If you are considering cheating then search for a story "Outsourcing Your Needs" by enna30. Also, read everything you can get your hands on by mvcmvc.

- if you are considering a divorce then consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction so you know how a divorce would shake out for you.

You need information. From information you can make INFORMED choices, and it is INFORMED choices that will take you to resolution of your dysfunctional marriage.

I can't think (at the moment) of another member who shares the situation of having an alcoholic husband like you do (your story in another group refers) but if you read enough, you'll find someone else in a similar position.

Tread your own path.

I'm in the same situation as you: a supposedly happy marriage but without sex.
In my case I didnt look for an affair... It happened... I got very close to someone I work with, and feelings built up between us. Im not sure how would be going out there and looking for someone to have sex... Not sure if sex without a bit of emotion involved is worth it. Anyway it hurted like hell when I ended... There is not an easy way for our situation...

Take care my friend.

It's a sad fact that the number of members this group has accumulated, the sheer quantity of intelligent minds ALL working to find a solution to essentially the same situation and questions and the best we have come up with are the small number of equally daunting and upsetting options.

Sad though it is, they are options and your power is in the ability to choose between them. You are the one who on your death bed gets to look back on a life well lived, or one squandered and reflect upon that. I'd suggest you keep that scenario in your mind when you make your choices, and after that go with the one which feels most like YOU.

Good luck, the only way out of this, is through.

Your reply reminds me of a quote from Churchill: If you're going through h3ll, keep on going!