Hello, New Guy Here.

What a relief to find a place to share my story. I find it hard to tell any of my friends I live in a sexless marriage. I guess it is a pride thing but I can bet it would go like "what, you can't satisfy a woman? Penis too small?" or You need to get some strange or a divorce. This is the type stuff I have heard from the two or three guys I talked about it with.
I love my wife and she loves me. We have been married 30 years. We had lots of great sex when we were dating. We wanted to live together but it was hard to hide the fact and our family's did not approve of this. This was years ago in the south mind you. So we got hitched while still in college.
A few months before the wedding she just shut down sexually. She never would really say why, but I assumed after the wedding she would be her old self. Nope. I would pretty much have to beg and I hated it. The pride thing again. Maybe every two months I could get her in bed but she would lay there like a zombie and ask me to hurry up or have a pained look the whole time and ask me to hurry up. Not the kind of intimate love making one would hope for. So it got to be further apart in frequency. Maybe twice a year. It's not you she said, I am allergic to *****. Then allergic to latex. Then my penis was to large. Every excuse in the book.
After about five years of this she went to see a therapist. It was decided she had suppressed memories of abuse as a child. This was good news to me as she could work through the problem and get better. After six years and a huge debt we could not afford she was declared cured. She still wanted nothing to do with me sexually.
As you can imagine this was pretty rough on a young guy and I started to feel bad all the time. I was diagnosed with depression and given pills. I had always drank some but I found I could deal with this no sex deal with a beer or two and then three. I was not allowed to see her naked. I could not touch her or kiss her. She was worried I might "get excited". I drank more. I can't blame my alcoholic drinking on my wife but I have to think a small part of it was to help forget about my sexual urges.
Well I am seven years sober now and when my head cleared I vowed to do something about our marriage situation. I ask her about counseling but she is not interested, I have tried to take small steps at getting closer but she hates to be touched. She keeps our dog between us in bed.
I want to honor the vow I took before God, But I am now late 40's and don't see anything changing. I just don't know what to do. Would a therapist help if I went on my own? Good to know there are others in the same boat who will share and I look forward to reading Yall's stories. Thanks for letting me vent/whine!
epiphone epiphone
46-50, M
12 Responses Nov 28, 2012

OMG, you sound so patient and loving... i am truly sorry, i know how you feel unfortunately!
...you are not whining, none of us are... we are so hurting tho! You do everything like you were supposed to all these years to end up feeling so alone, yet you
are married, honest and loving - how does this happen... its so sad because nothing is as
wonderfully close as sex in love! I hope things are better by now... i feel your pain and look for an answer too!

Thanks for sharing your painful struggle. Must be difficult to have such a damaged wife. I'm sorry you are paying the price for someone else's abuse. I have been married for over 35 years, the past 13 are sexless. I have grieved the loss and gradually found reasons to stay, but the resulting depression is undeniable. I have difficulty relating with others who have functioning marriages, a jealousy and self pity. You sound so young and unhappy. The relationship is eroded by the loss of closeness. I hope you find recovery for your life and fulfillment in something or someone.

Hello Epiphone,
Thanks for your story...I can relate to much of your experience. My W and I also got married in college and now, 28 years later, I have decided it's time to give up. I highly recommend individual counseling. You have dealt with a great deal of negative behavior all these years and a good therapist can help you sort through it all in an objective way. I have been doing just that for nearly a year now and I am much better off for doing so. It's sad indeed that you have to go through this crap, but just think about that dog between you and W in bed.....who is higher on the importance scale - you or the dog? The answer to that question should help you gain some perspective. You said your W loves you....that "belief" is truly something you need to explore with a therapist - not your friends. If your W truly loves you - why do you feel so miserable, so neglected? Why are you hurting so much? Why is your self confidence in the crapper? Could it be you are suffering from years of emotional abuse?

I wish you well and hope that your situation improves soon...life is too short to waste being clinically depressed, deprived, and lonely. You are a strong person to have dealt with your drinking problem. That must have been very hard, but you arrived at a better place...healthier and happier I assume. You will need that inner strength again to go forward.

Congratulations on your sobriety. I feel for you. I am right there with you and have no answers, only shared misery. I am new here as well.

When I read that anyone isn't interested in counseling, then I have to ask if they want to save the relationship. You are each responsible to participate. Doesn't have to be formal counseling either, is she at least willing to talk?

I here what your saying and you r not the only one. There would be a boat load of us guys and what I am reading there would be a boat load of women as well.

Therapy's a GREAT idea!
I did individual therapy. I am still doing it.
My therapist tells me I seem so happy, strong, and confident as I march out of my sexless marriage...

Dysfunctional marriages **** with your head, get you thinking weird ****, get you making uninformed choices.
Your story is testament to this fact.

Individual therapy could be a great thing for you, to help get your thinking back to 'normal' despite the toxic environment you are in.

Be well aware however, that as your thinking returns, and you start making INFORMED choices based on the truth - the chances of your marriage surviving that process drop exponentially.

Tread your own path.

Thanks for all the replys everyone. This is a cool place. It makes me feel some better reading the stories. In answer to Mr. 78, I am sure she is not cheating. I think she does love me, or at least needs me around to earn a check and take out the trash. I tried to talk to my priest about this but it is just to embarrassing. I try not to feel guilty for wanting to have sex. What really gets me is how she loves to watch crap like Sex In The City and read novels that are full of sex and yet wants nothing to do with it it real life!

Brother epiphone it would shock you to hear that your wife probably does want and like sex just not with you.

I dont mean to be harsh as i am on your side believe me but i feel you are seeking answers from the wrong people. What will your priest know about sex?

You are right about one thing though she probably keeps you around as a paycheck atm and general handy man.

Why dont you consider cutting her off financially until she is willing to act like a wife not like a roomate. I did this to my wife and surprise surprise there was a change in her thinking.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Welcome, so sorry to hear you're going through this. Everyone in this group has been so nice and supportive . It's been a life saver for me. We're here for you.

I can relate with you 100%. Problem is or should I say the problem is you not enjoy food when you are not hungry nor do you enjoy drink when you are not thirsty. There are some women and some men believe it or not who have no interest in any kind of a intimate relationship, there are some who cannot get enough as well. Somewhere in the middle is where most of us lie. A friend once told me when I was have a similar problem, He stated " Every horse responds differently to each and every rider" I was confused until after my divorce when I found out that my turtle wife became a hare, not good for the morale, but then again anyone who look to any woman to validate their self worth has no self worth to validate in the first place.

Welcome to the group. I would suggest you read up here extensively. Unfortunately your wife is giving you loud and clear signals. You are just refusing to read them and instead are burying your head in the sand leaving your as....s up waiting for an almighty kick.

For whatever reason your wife lost intrest in you a long time ago. Certainly there are some red flags in your story. Have you ever considered she might be having an affair. Even if she aint i strongly suggest you seek legal advice and explore all options.

Cause even if you dont want Divorce yourself that choice might be taken out of your hands.

Stay Strong & Good Luck