Men-why Are You Not Having The Sex?

I would like to hear from the men that have decided to no longer have sex with their wife even though they claim to still love their spouse....... Would you mind explaining why the sex is no more?
SoulSeeker67 SoulSeeker67
41-45, F
27 Responses Nov 28, 2012

my exwife and i always had great sex. her, her lover, and me watching, cleaning up.

My wife is an angry angry person who makes life very difficult for me. Constantly telling me how worthless I am, I don't make enough money, I'm ugly, I'm unlovable. Everyday. All the time. I cant do anything to make this woman happy. How can I be intimate with her?

My wife stopped wanting sex for a host of reasons and well I have to respect her not wanting it any longer.

It's my wife's fault

After 24 years together my wife stopped having sex because of body issues. She had a series of operations and ended up with a colostomy. Our sex life slowed down and eventually stopped. I hung in for another 16 years as I loved her and our marriage was comfortable, but in the end, due to other issues, we broke up. it's a sad end to 40 years together, but Life goes on...

There must be any number of reasons why guys stop having sex with their wives. It could be anything from health related reasons to "punishing" their wife for some insignificant slight from years before. Or, they could be gay, or having an affair. Or they could be bored shitless because wife just wants vanilla and they have been asking for tabasco for years. The last one is my reason. I still have sex. I just can't be bothered asking for it anymore. Whatever the reason, communication is the key to finding out what the deal is..... and THATS easier said than done!

My CEO (the wife) has done this. She has given no reason....just said that she is not interested in sex any more. She also has never kissed me, and just recently told me it is all about me....stating that she has never liked how I no kissing for us.

I guess there are lots of reasons,,, but as for myself ,,from around the age of 50 it stopped getting hard without help from my partner,,, this wouldnt stop me from feeling horny,, just wouldnt get hard,, if she played / stroked it for a few seconds it became erect enough to enter then we made love like normal,,through this Ive sorta learned to make love differently but would rather not go there in this public forum,,, but could tell more in pvt it you are interested,,,

Why don't you try vagra?

Didnt think of it at the time but tried it later and didnt work,,, beside it cost $16 for one pill,,,, and that is over $100 a week :-(((((((

I think that eventually it is a chemical thing and people just aren't attracted to each other anymore after many years. I was with my ex for 17 years and at the end, he repulsed me. His mouth reminded me of an alien's mouth and I was totally grossed out.

He may have ED and doesn't want to talk about it?? Can the two of you talk openly? (Or, worst case in my thinking, and don't let me create a paranoia for you since I have no idea, but I'd like to be helpful just the same, and I know this was the case for a female friend... he's cheating on you and this is his way of being "fair"/"loyal" to you... not forcing you into a shared-lover situation... sorry, and I hope that's not the case for you.)

Of the couple of blokes that i know they tell me they have gone of sex with the wife because of the wifes bad hygene b/o etc. I can understand this as it would turn my stomach also. Luckily i am not in a relationship though.'s not by choice I assure you!

good question... here on EP you only hear one side of the "sexless marriage" story... i don't know what happens to the women, but i know from experience what it is like for the man. I have been married for 25+ years now, and as I've aged, my sexual charge has decreased... yes i can still get it rock hard and good for a go, but i can't last hours like i used to, and if i get too close to coming, i can't stay totally hard anymore either, like i used to. While i have experience this slow decline which as of yet has not impacted our sex life (but I am aware of it) my wife's libido has increased. in her thirties she really started to come alive, and into her forties she is an animal! sometimes this has been a bit intimidating...

my guess is when some guys experience this, they turn to sex with someone new for at least several reasons:
1) easier to please someone new, where there is the endorphin rush to help
2) someone new comes and goes quickly - makes you feel good about yourself without the risk of seeing your diminished abilities - no commitment, just the boost to the man ego for being the stud
3) the lack of character that makes numbers 1 and 2 more important then putting in the work it takes to have a real relationship and please the woman who deserves to be pleased.
I think for many men it is really the ego boost they get from it, which assuages their concerns about aging.
maybe not the answer you were looking for, but just some of my thoughts on the male side of the coin.

I am a woman but I can give you the therapists version of why my husband won't have sex with me. Because his mother was an alcoholic he learned that it was dangerous to trust and love a woman. Therefore, he refuses sex as a way to prove that I need him more than he needs me, which makes him safe from being hurt by me.
Just so you know, my husband said the therapist was full of crap and that there is nothing wrong with him. He claims he would want sex if I were a better housekeeper. So take that for what it's worth. We haven't had sex for almost 2 years.

You and I have a similar problem. Too bad we can't get together to help each other.

Good question, I don't know the answer because if I could decide I would have sex with my wife 24/7 :)

Once every 4 months? I haven't had sex in over 2 years. I don't really know the 'why' either.

What I have a difficult time understanding is sex as THE litmus test of life. I'm prepared to be corrected for thinking that is what is even being said, but it is how I read these messages. My wife and I have a wonderful life. We have creature comforts. We have a decent level of financial security. One of our kids is doing a doctorate at an Ivy League university. Another is a successful artist. We went through significant emotional upheaval with the deaths of beloved family members this year and we stood beside each other through both tragedies. We treat each other with respect, dignity, compassion, tenderness, superabundant love. We agree and disagree and laugh and cry. A lot. So do we measure all that against how often we have sex? It seems disproportionate to me.

I agree, we can't measure all that against how often a couple has sex.

However... if your wife loves you and you love her, and she loves having sex with you, why should you refuse?

Its not sex --but when thats the only time you get touched, kissed, and held...... the it become more important.

Right on. I experienced the lack of intimacy (outside of the sex) for many years. And of course there were very few sexual encounters. That eventually lead to the marriage breakdown. She just couldn't understand how important it was to devote time for us as a couple.

You are right of course... all these other experiences are part and parcel of overwhelming evidence that a relationship is fulfilling and supportive and successful on so many levels, without even measuring sex. sex definitely isn't the only standard by which a good marriage can be measured. When a couple is comfortable with the level of sex - who is to say if it is enough... whether it is 5 minutes a day or 5 minutes a year. but, when one half of the couple yearns for more, and the other half clues out or disregards or refuses to meet the needs... this does pose a problem, and one wonders if it is likely that all the evidence you've listed of a great relationship would exist in such a vacuum.

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Guess she is either Jetlagged, tired, ill, busy, on her period, not in the mood, too full. Need I go on?

I don't have sex because my wife has refused for the last few years. Other than that reason, the only things I can think of would be they physically cannot do it or they are ******* bat **** crazy insane.

My experience of trying to get to 'why?', was a long series of bullsh1t excuses; when one is found not to stand up to scrutiny, then they give you another one... and on it goes. They can keep this up for as long as you want, decades seems normal around here. My conclusion (at least for my ex) is that, actually, it was about control and manipulation. These are fundamentally not very nice people - even though, to the outside world, they can often be perceived as caring, pleasant and fun (in fact that's very important to them), only we get to see their 'special' side.

My wife and I have been married 10 yrs, have a 3 yr, old.. I do not fit into the sexless category.. My wife and I have sex alot.. Some days is tougher than others, with child, and work, and chores and so-on. That being said, I or we make it a point to have sex atleast 5 times a week, most of the time more... Now before having a child, we were nasty.....Freaks.... Most Women and Men just get relaxed in their relationship. Never anything spontaneous, just same ole boring, get in bed, no foreplay, not much kissing, caressing, and so on, have intercourse and done... The way to fix it is this::::: Women and men are always wanting the other one to be the spontaneous one, the one to make the first move, the one to change things up.. Until both parties figure this out, the well will always be dry.. Change things up, watch some ****, expieriment with toys, Hell, expieriment with other couples.. Whatever you have to do to bring that flame out again,DO IT.. Youre marriage depends on sex, it needs sex, it has to have sex!
The Flame is always there, you just have to stoke the fire sometimes.....

Yeah - I miss the freaky wildness of five times a day...... lol ')

Well my post said 5 times a week.... Idk if we have ever done it 5 times in 1 day

redzcar, he said 'I do not fit into the sexless category'... what part of 'not' don't you get?
I'm interested in advice on how to improve sex with my wife. I'm interested in hearing how great someone else's sex life is, if he helps me making mine at least half as great - and yes, 5 times in two weeks with my wonderful wife would be definitely great.

Thank you weownthelake! I will try to be the spontaneous one, the one to make the first move, the one to change things up.

Very well said and very true in my opinion.

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As its an emotional thing, you'd probably get just as valid an answer from a wife that won't touch her husband - and if you get a straight answer from either, I'd sure as hell love to know it! :)

I have asked my husband to please explain it to me so I may understand and he has asked for some time to think about it........ so when he answers me I will be sure to post his WHY here. (((hugs)))

Based on your two stories and profile, I speculate that you are "why" chasing, the "why" in question being your husbands inability / unwillingness to engage you intimately.

It is unclear how long you have been "why" chasing, but be aware that there comes a time where it becomes counter productive. A bit of "why" chasing is healthy. Making it your lifes' mission ain't.

See, let's just say that you uncover your husbands "why". (insert what your best guess is here. One "why" is pretty much as good as another).

There is not one damn thing you can do about his "why". You don't own it. HE owns it. And, if he had wanted to do anything about it over the (whatever period he has been intimacy averse to you) he would have done so long before now.

YOU can't 'fix' HIS "why".

It is far more productive to devote your energy into 'what you now propose to do in your own best interests' rather than chasing HIS "whys" over the horizon and back, for no purpose.

Tread your own path.

I am trying to understand this problem so I may know, nothing else...... my husband and I have been together for 30 years and the lack of sex has just become an issue this year, with sex being once every 4 months...... and while I have just recently asked my own husband to please explain this sex thing (or lack of it) to me so that I may understand it, I know it will a few weeks before I get an answer, therefore, my mind is going bonkers waiting --so I thought I would do the next best thing and ask the men here.

Very insightful... Thank You.

Is there an "I Am A Refuser" group? Other than a severe medical/physical issue that makes intimacy impossible, I have no idea.

Well, I know that emotional issues can get in the way of a person wanting to be sexually with the person they love....... but I have yet to hear my husband speak of this as an issue --we will see what he says when he is ready to talk about it.

I have been asking my H that same question for years now.... medical exams says he is psychically ok...he has a hot wife, so I'm told ;) and a drawer full of viagra and others that he ignores...there are no signs that he is cheating... he's answer is always the same..." I don't feel like it, it is not you ...its me...". Good luck finding answers from refusers...

Take care!

Well, I don't have sex with my wife anymore because she has had some issues with intimacy since the birth of our daughter two years ago.

Well in my case it is a physical deterioration of her neck and lower spinal region. I do not know if anyone out there has ever experienced the pain from a pinched sciatic nerve in their back or hip, it is a common occurrence and the pain is excruciating so I am told. This is her condition, she is presently able to function with the aid of steroids and pain medication which sometimes leaves her in a drowsy state as time goes on she will probably end up in a wheel chair. I am no hero, but if she can try her best to keep our house clean and orderly, prepare meals, and just be a comfort and friend, then I can hang up the skates so as to speak, it is not as like I do not have memories, I also have responsibilities, that is something that I have to keep in mind when tempted to stray. I am not an alley cat.

Sciatica IS painful. There are also MANY therapies for it, up to and including surgery. Don't give up...

(((HUGS))) I understand where you are coming from..... I have RA and back when it first flared up and I was not on medication for it, having sex and moving was hard for me, but I valued my sex life with my husband and did all I could with my rheumy doctors help and now that part of my life is pretty much under control.