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Turning Point- Thinking Too Much??

I am at the point in my life and marriage that something needs to be done. Do I leave him or do I accept him for who he is and continue my marriage? I am deeply afraid no matter which choice I make I will be alone. I know that if he would open up to me and talk to me it would be a good start but he cannot do these things. Do I accept that he will never be able to talk to me? Do I keep pushing him to make me a part of his life? Do I accept the loneliness I feel now or do I leave and be lonely? I am so confused and so alone.

I know I will probably get attacked here and told that I need to leave but does everyone who has left feel this way or am I giving up too easily?
lonlywife lonlywife 51-55, F 29 Responses Nov 28, 2012

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well you have to ask your self do i want to go on like this for the next 30 or 40 years. if the answer is no then you need to seperate or divorce and find someone else. simple as that,.

I will NEVER find anyone else. It is really not that simple. The real question is do I want the rest of my life; kids, grandkids, family? Because if I do I need to stay in this train wreck otherwise I have nothing. The only way out is to leave my entire life and start over. If I get out and stay I am looked at as a failure and I will see that in my kids and grandkids eyes everyday. If I leave my life totally then I will not see that look of disgust and I can believe however naively that my family still loves me. I am tired of doing everything for everyone and not getting anything back.

just to keep from having any confusion i should tell you that i am a transgendered person.
I made sure that my lovely wife knew that befor we were married. our secret to a happy marriage is no lies and no secrets. Seems to work well for us.

Unfortunately that has to be a two way street, as everything else in any relationship, and my relationship with him is a one way street.

dear lonely wife.at your age you face some tough decisions. if you stay what you have will be your life from now on. If you leave you will as you say be alone but you will have the opportunity to meet someone else and possibly make a new life for your self.
my wife marie passed away in 2004 . I was aged 65 and had been out of circulation for 40 years. I wondered if i would ever be able to find someone to truely love me ever again. I dated a number of ladies .Most of them were only looking for a good time. I was seriously seeking a wife. i was very fortunate and found a lovely lady That was everything I could have hoped for. We are celebrateing our 8th wedding anniversary in 2 months. I cannot advise you as which way to go but there is happiness out there for you if you decide to leave your preasent situation.

I am very happy for you, however I do know that I am so ugly, boring and generally disgusting that there is no man in this world that wants anything to do with me. Tr only happiness I will ever find is with my grandchildren. I\'m not sure if I am ready to live the rest of my life like this. Many times I think I should leave where I live now and find somewhere else to start over.

I never thought I'd have to live without sex. I can so relate to your story and can feel exactly what your going through. Just amazed by how many of us sex starved women there are. Venting helps. Getting them to talk doesn't seem to. Not sure what to try next. When sleeping naked got no response I knew it was over and now I just have to deal with the extra dent to my self esteem.

I have been there and done that with the sleeping naked and not being noticed. My self esteem has never existed. Even my father spent most of my life degrading me.

your in Illinois call me 773-939-0150 were in the same boat.maybe discuss this over the phone maybe meet for lunch.

I appreciate the offer but once you meet you will run the other way. I apparently have no redeeming qualities. I am ugly and fat and no one loves me. Today is my wedding anniversary and no one remembered, especially not my husband. But why am I surprised? If he isn't invested in this relationship than why should he notice.

I have been sexless for 10 years now...I choose to stay for a couple of reasons.....kids and financials....

I have a plan for an exit that is going to take a couple more years but I am leaving....

you have to evaluate your situation....you have to figure out what would make you the happiest.....

I surely do not have all the answers...or any for that matter....but being happy is what we all need.....

you will get many responses...answers will be all over the place....but do what you feel you need to do to be happy....

K

im in Illinois if your up for an affair get back to me

Hi There,

I used to live in a sexless marriage but she is my best friend so leaving has never been an option.

I have worked very hard at getting her to enjoy sex and while we dont have sex more than about twice a week we try for real quality and she **** about 80% of the time.

The only way I got through this was self stimulation and still do to keep up with my high sex drive.

I guess the real question is whether you like each other?

Al

I don't think I do like him anymore. I try to but I am so hurt from his rejection that the pain gets in the way.

Hi...before i started to ask you all sorts of crazy questions i looked a bit and saw this stemmed back quite sometime.. instead of me going into detail ..may i suggest you read one of my stories.. i will tell you now.. it has just hit 5 yrs we have not slept together had sex or touched or kissed... i do not know what another mans flesh feels like but i do know what i am into now has made me more fulfilled and complete than ever before.. i have found comfort and pleasure.. please browse my profile if you wish and read my sexless marriage...wish i could of found out what happened story.... then you may turn a different key.. I have 3 children.. I will Marry my daughter off July 5th i have never been happier... 2 sons 20 /25 after the wedding I go on vacation HOME ALONE.. this will decide what happens to our 28 yrs together.... i am at the point .. mentally i have gotten very strong.. inside very lonely.. but i want to smile and feel again before i no longer can.. If you choose to take a peek .. let me know... I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.. but that will need to be up to you.. Follow your heart.. no one can tell you.. everyone will respect you.... no one will hate you for what you decide....especially here....xx

Hi im the same i love her and hate the thought of leaving. Then i hate her for what she is doing to us im work away from so im lonley at work lonley at home. Good luck xx

I do love him- that is the problem. If I didn't it would be easy to leave. And I love my family. If I left my family would be destroyed. My relationship with my son is shaky at best and he would never speak to me again if I left. My daughters, I'm not sure, but it would definitely not be good. I am so confused and lonely and counseling doesn't help. I've tried. Maybe I should just leave and leave town and my kids and grand kids. That might be for the best.

I am in the same situation. I do love my wife, but she has no interest in intamacy. I don't want to break up our family either. But I am planning on divorce as soon as my youngets is in college. I can not deny my happiness forever. I love my family, but I'd rather be alone and unhappy than with someone and unhappy. Let me know if you'd like to talk.

It really is up to you.
I have reasons for staying unrelated to her...these are self solving problems and require only a short time until I will be where it sound like you are. I cannot see that she will relent on her pursuit of whatever it is she thinks is what happens as we age, nor her resentment of me for a reason that will not come to her voice.
I also cannot see me living for another 20 + years without a chance of someone touching me...or laying her head on my shoulder....returning a neck rub....a hug....(I have forgotten what a kiss feels like, and more than that is distant memory) - With the gates open - I will catch all manner of bad times...but the thing that really makes something "hell" is that you never exit.

I doubt that anyone is going to attack you here regardless of what you do or say. It seems that we are here because we have a common problem and are looking for input to help us make our decisions. You and only you can make the decision.

I think that you first have to decide if you love him. Be honest to yourself. After you know that you can better decide if you want to try to stay.

I can say that it seems to me the longer you're married the more difficult leaving is.

Finally, if you leave, why do you have to be lonley. No one can make you, only you can make yourself.

I don't know if this was of any help but I wish you the best regardless of what you choose to do.

dont leave if you love your husband,make the most of your marriage,but try and find a male friend in the same situation,he may help you just by chatting,anyway im here if you want a natter

I havent left, I've been close but I havent had the couraage yet. I ask myself a lot if I am just over thinking this or overreacting. I have of many reasons to stay and many to go. Many days I wish he would just leave me so I wouldnt have to make the decision. i know how hard it is to decide. I see its been a few months since you wrote this, I hope things have gotten better or you found the answers you were looking for.

I have not found any answers except I can't continue this way. Today this has come to a point of no return. Too much stress from work, family and he is of no help, no support, no attention, nothing at all. Some days I wish I would have taken a different path 36 years ago.

I have been 7 years married I feel we could be headed down the same path. It's a struggle to even get a reaction sometimes. There are times that I am alone in a marriage and I do force the talks sometimes I use the scare tactic of leaving and he starts talking but now it's a lot more of how I am selfish and taking advantage of him

I know what you are saying. I am there now.

I hope we both make it though on the other side with some part of ourselves intact.

We will made it to the other side.

It's miserable isn't it. You see other people laughing. Birthdays, Xmas, Valentines day, so empty. But it's the normal days, people shopping together, shared jokes, socialising, and wherever you are there's just no connection. The person you wanted isn't the person you've got. And every day a dozen little reminders that you are alone. Every effort is wasted & then you give up & then you try again & more wasted effort. You aren't alone. And I know it doesn't help, but fear traps us all.
If you could speak to yourself 5 years ago, what would you say? If you could speak to yourself in 5 years time, what would you say? Be true to who YOU are, there is nothing wrong with being a coward, there is nothing wrong with being brave, or foolhardy, or whatever you decide. Just be true to yourself. This is your life, you will judge you, and that is the only judgement that counts. XXX

Thank you for your kind words and support. So much to decide and so many people who will be impacted by my decision.

If only that was true in my life. I have so many people to be responsible for and they all judge me.

Is this all about your inability to live in a physically/sexually unresponsive relationship? Is there a third party who you are considering either having a relationship/affair/leaving for? Are you concerned what others think? Is your staying based on need? Reality is, you either find a reason to stay, or go, and learn to live with your decision. No one else can decide, or live with the consequences of your decision. And that's the point, it's your life. If you really can't decide, flip a coin, heads you stay, tails you go. See what happens, let fate decide, and see how happy you are with fates decision. If you need to flip the coin again, then keep flipping until the coin comes up with what you really want to do. There is nothing wrong with living in a loveless marriage, there is nothing wrong with leaving a loveless marriage. It is wrong to hate someone you don't want to be with, and it is wrong to deny yourself a life. Also remember, if you stay, and you don't nurture and care for the person you stay with, you are stopping their emotional growth and preventing them from the freedom to find their perfect partner. Maybe what might seem selfish to others, might end up positive in the long run! But you have to be prepared to live with all consequences. Be true to yourself, yours in the only face you see in the mirror.

I'm another one who shares your circumstances. I've become desperate at times and reached out to women who have given me comfort. It helps for a short time but that's it. I think I'm looking for someone who I could leave my wife for...so far that hasn't happened so I go on, hoping something can change at home....Not a great life.

At least you have found someone even if for a short period of time to find comfort. I have no one

Would you like to meet for coffee some day? You need someone to give you some attention.

What did u have in mind?

I am also in this type of relationship....I have been married for about 25 yrs with the last 10 sexless....I have, up to this point, remained in this relationship.....I have no advice for you...I am sorry about that....I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.....

If you stay you will be lonely. If you leave you only might be lonely.

I have no answer but I do understand what you are going through

The sad thing is I do nothing but think about this- and still come up with one thing, I want my husband to love me and treat me like he does and everyday I am sadly disappointed. Do I want to walk out and give up all hope? Am I stupid for thinking things will change? Do I want to live in this house and be alone or do I want to be single and be alone? A lot of people say that I might not be alone, but I know I will. If the one person, outside my parents and brothers, who has been with me most of my life doesn't want me than why should I believe someone else will?

As some have said, find something to do- exercise, find a hobby... I have done these things and nothing has changed, except these are just more things I do by myself.

Just my two cents - seldom will you find that people in this forum challenge your decision. What does get challenged are the processes you employ for decision-making. Stay and work on the marriage or just hope, stay and outsource, or leave, those are your choices. How you get to a choice, your thoughts or beliefs - those do get challenged with alternate perspectives - and this is a good thing because in the end, your decision and your reasons would hopefully resonate with you deeply.

lonlywife, we feel your pain. there isn't a line or signal or sign we can point to you. it is different for each of us. it's only what is right for *you* in your own circumstances which should guide your choices. a little advice. sit awhile & think about what YOU want. what you need. what you like. what you don't like. what you love. what you hate. your "can't live without"s and your "can't/won't live with"s. design what the beginning of YOUR life would look and feel like. most importantly? you must, in order to be truly happy, learn to forgive, like, and *love* yourself. and yes, you must also learn to forgive your spouse and "let go." start small, if you haven't already. re claim parts of you. read. exercise. sew. cook. take a class. cut your hair. color your hair. get a mani or a pedi or both. or a massage. do things for yourself. one success (feeling good about something) leads to another. it builds momentum. you will change. but this time you should be changing because you want to, because its something you're doing for yourself. once you start to re claim pieces of yourself, more of your answers start to become clear and so on.... best to you. xoxo

We all support you here. We all understand how hard it is to contemplate to leave, how hard it is to contemplate to stay and every awful devastating emotion and thought process it takes to bounce between the 2 thoughts.

Some here have left, they have great advice on how to do that.

Some have stayed, and for the most part they are not happy.

Some ...a few...have had MIRACLES...and have stayed, turned their marriage around. BUT...it took both partners to do that.

Only he can answer if he has it in him to be that partner. I would have never dreamed my refuser would make the turnaround 30 years later but he did.

Although I must state, I believe in my circumstances I am the exception not the rule.

Yep, it's a very hard decision. One I'm struggling with myself. No one will attack you here though. They just give their 2 cents. Only you know your whole situation and only you can make your choice. Good luck to you. We're here if you need to vent...all 33 something thousand of us.

"I know I will probably get attacked here and told that I need to leave"

Nobody will attack you here, but they WILL tell you what THEY think about your situation. In the end, it is YOUR life and decision. Base it on what YOU know.

Excellent point Zsu. Posters who see their position being challenged and think it is "attacking" miss the point of this forum. It is our role IMO to be honest and forthright. That we say things you (as a poster) might not want to hear does NOT mean you are being attacked. It simply means you are receiving the benefit of someone else's hard won knowledge. And that is passed on to HELP, not to criticise or attack.

Many people wait way too long, until the pain outweighs the fear. This maximises the pain and the wasted time; and is hardly "giving up too easily". I don't think people will attack you at all, mostly people are keen to help you accelerate whatever it is you need to do, to achieve understanding asap, and make the choices that are right for you. And of course, highlight that the prospects, by the time you reach here, are not great. Except they are, because it may help you to redefine what success means.

Can I encourage you to frame your mindset in another way: you know what is important to you, what you want in a loving intimate relationship; and you are making your partner a loving offer to join you in that. If he is not willing or able to join you in that dance, you have some hard decisions to make. My experience is that your wonderful mind will bring you to making those decisions whether you will (consciously) or not. In the end, we have to look after ourselves, prevent ourselves from coming to serious harm.

These choices are yours, and yours alone, to make.

What you need is information. Information that you can utilise in making INFORMED choices.

The guy has been a dud intimate partner for you for years. It is reasonable to deduce from that that if he wanted to and was capable of change he'd have done that long ago. So I'd suggest you can scrub the option of him becoming an engaged intimate partner for you. There is just no evidence to support that happening.

Do you keep pushing him to be an intimate and engaged partner ? Only if you want to distract yourself from the real hard call. It would be a waste of your effort to flog that dead horse any further I'd suggest.

Will you be alone (if you stay) if you left. Yes. Most definitely YES. You will be for a period of time. That is a good thing. Free of the toxic environment, and by yourself you will recover from this self esteem crushing situation way quicker than if you try to work it out whilst still there.

Will you stay alone ? That, sister lonlywife, is a question that you, and only you will provide the answer to.

Last bit. "Am I giving up too easily ?"
Again, YOU provide your own evaluation of that. From where I see it, the answer is "No" but my opinion about that is worth precisely jack ****. What do YOU say ?

Tread your own path.