What Will I Do When My Kids No Longer Limit My Actions?

So much of what I do is in some way to benefit my kids (boy/12 and girl/10). Either to provide for them, give them a proper education, raise them, shepherd them and otherwise care for them. These are all positives. But they also hold me back, and in more rational moments I realize that's a good thing and as it should be. But I have made a lot decisions over the years that I regret, and here I am again, thinking about looking for sexual affirmation outside of my marriage. And I wonder what I would do if I didn't worry about how these choices would effect my kids. My kids without their knowledge hold me back, and that's good, but I just wonder out loud what would I do and be doing if that limit, governor, speed bump wasn't there.

I think I might make some reckless decisions and fulfill some fantasies.

Does this make sense?
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5 Responses Nov 29, 2012

I read your story's title and the hind view of a 747 thundering away beyond the clouds flashes briefly in my mind.

I know exactly how you feel. I have two (2) daughters that are 19 (in college) and 16 (11th grade in high school) and have stayed married mostly because of them. My wife is a good woman but we haven't had sex in years. Perhaps when my younger one is in college, I will end our marriage....I don't know yet....but I am starving for sexual intimacy.

I find your choice of words very interesting. You want to compartmentalise intimacy - well sex in your case, and have a ready scapegoat for any consequences (your kids) and you see people as parts of your plan (ie. looking for a replacement confidante or potential sex partner).

So, what do you think you and your estranged wife are modelling for your kids as far as marital dynamics are concerned? The "lets pretend all is well" model or the "Marriage is for life - you need to suck it up because you made an unalterable decision" model. There is a saying - better to come from a broken home, than to live in one.

What will be the impact on your kids if and when your infidelity is discovered by your spouse? How will they see you or yoour spouse then? What if your online flirtations are discovered by your kids - either your phone or computer? What then?

Your kids are not holding you back mate. You are ascribing the responsibility for your decision to stay on them. Then you are following that up with making them wear the responsibility for any potential outsourcing you might do because after all, you are staying just for them. Pretty soon, you'll feel resentment towards them for your martyring your freedom. Put the responsibility where it belongs - solely with you.

I am strongly of the opinion that staying in a dysfunctional marriage is unhealthy for the kids and it also increases the probability they will carry this into their own relationships. If you want to leave, you can make parenting your kids work. You can be a positive and consistent influence in their lives whether you are divorced or not.

Chances are that you would find other roadblocks.

We are very good at constructing our own roadblocks when confronted by choice.

It is way easier to adopt a position where we think we are not choosing, and thus giving ourselves an exemption, a pass.

Unfortunately in life there are no exemptions, no passes on the obligation of choice.

Tread your own path.