I Thought I Was Alone...

I never realized how far too common a sexless relationship was until I married and began searching the web for answers. Apparently it's as common as 1 in 3 marriages who suffer from this. I would have normally blamed society, life, kids, work, stress, but that is not the case with my marriage. I've been married for 3 years now but been with him for 4 years. I just found out that my husband lacks the desire, passion, the need and want for sex. I am quite the opposite. I would not mind having it morning, noon and night. Let's be honest here, we are not living in the 40s. It is very much okay for a woman to want sex. And yes, to even want sex more often than a man. Doesn't sound too crazy, right? It's not like I am spreading myself around. I only want my husband...but he doesn't want me. There is no medical reason for his libido to be this low. I don't want to cheat. We are currently dealing with a lot of other issues but even thru all that I am still willing to drop my panties for him. I don't know what to do anymore. And yes, I have expressed myself over and over again to him about this. About how I feel. About what I need and want. I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. Does anyone have any advise?
MyOwnAmericanHorrorStory MyOwnAmericanHorrorStory
26-30, F
3 Responses Nov 29, 2012

The journey you face is difficult. My one piece of advice to you would be DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN.. Assuming you have not already done so...<br />
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The choices you make about your future are yours alone. They are not easy, there will be pain and consequences to you and your families either way you go. You are solely responsible for your happiness and life is long. Your in your 4th year of marriage, I'm in my 28th and my SM began the day we exchanged vows. Knowing what I know now, I would have made many different choices early in my life.<br />
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Life is not fair and bring a sweater...

I cannot "like" this comment enough. Especially the following!

"DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN" (I would add: with this man!) (Unless you completely resolve the issues you face and can be assured of LONG TERM recovery. Sadly this is extremely unlikely to occur.

I am with you. I only want my husband, well that is until just recently. Two years ago I started to find myself a little repulsed by him, but this only happened after years and years of flat-out rejection. The last time he refused me, I cried all night and I guess I made a pact with myself, "never again." He doesn't seem to miss the advances by me. If this is what marriage is about, I want none of it.

Well, why not blame " society, life, kids, work, stress" or anything else you like. The net result is that your spouse is intimacy averse to you.

That's it, that is the bottom line. He is intimacy averse to you. And even if you knew "why" it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference. Whatever his "why" might be, it is only he who can attempt to fix it. And, given that he has had 4 years to willingly make that attempt - and hasn't - gives you a very clear picture.

My advice is to have a really searching look at your situation - not 'what it could be', not 'what it should be', but rather 'what it IS'. You will really need to challenge your thinking on this.

Once you have done that, and have a clear picture in your head of what your marriage IS, then ask yourself this question -
- "is this a dealbreaker for me ?"

Your answer will provide the next step forward to an enhanced life, or a step back into what you already have.

Tread your own path.

Bazzar, your posts are making me cry.

Yeah, dear Baz, making the girls cry...

In the beginning, his advice would upset me a lot.
Now I know it's not because he made me feel hopeless. It's because so many of our situations ARE hopeless. IF we stay put.

Sometimes, the truth hurts. But only for a while. After a period of time crying and being in denial, I began to feel more empowered to effect positive changes in my life.

So grieve the death of what you imagined life COULD have been with your h. Then, focus more on yourself, your own life, dreams and hopes. I've spent years focussing my energy on my h, great way to avoid being proactive in my own life and offering the world the best ME possible.

Thank you redwaterlady. I will believe you and take what you said to heart.