The Moral Conundrum And Fears To Venture Out Of A Sexless Marriage..(the One That Is Not Loveless)..

Like a lot of people I have tried everything in the books to create passion, intimacy, attraction,desire, sex etc inside my marriage.
I know its a losing battle.It was never there It will never be.
We have both been moral, affectionate, trustworthy, honest, caring and all that.
But not the same thing.
The intensity of falling and being in love, the ecstacy, the passion, the sex followed with an ****** with the man you love and want to melt away into.

Casual sex is out for me because for me it trivializes everything. I dont want to fall from my own grace.

Trying to find true love while you are still married? Isnt that in itself a moral transgression?
Even if I did that since my husband has already allowed me to seek happiness outside if I had to.

Out of respect it will have to happen discretely because it would be too cruel to tell him about. If I didnt I could possibly be dishonest. Or maybe if I could tell him that, just leaving out the specifics.

Any and every relationship needs work. I have worked very hard to build our lives together. If I left the effects on my husband could be devastating.
On my daughter they could be very hard..

I dont want to go be wandering off from soul to soul to find the one.. It would take away from the current marriage, and it could distract me tremendously from my current goals...
Too much to lose, too much uncertainty..
What am I left with?

uma1980 uma1980
31-35, F
2 Responses Nov 29, 2012

Like brother H, I also note this recurring "moral" them in your posts.

"Morals" or ethics are a very valuable commodity in your life - as long as they are YOUR morals / ethics, and that you have carefully formed these morals / ethics by yourself from your lifes experience.

Your morals / ethics must be YOURS. Not what L Ron Hubbard or some other dude or dudette says they ought to be.

The final arbiter of what is in YOUR best interests is YOU. Not me, not Cardinal Sac, not the news anchor chick, not even the esteemed Sammy7000 !!!!!


Your job is to rigourlessly challenge everything you have heard seen read thought about societal attitudes.

Tread your own path.

Your last sentence is great. I like idea of anyone in a tough situation treading their own path and doing what they need to do.

I've been thinking about your emphasis on morality in your posts and what you're considering. Can I encourage you to take a while to really think about your standards and morals quite carefully before making a call on what you want to do. Reason being is that quite a lot of our patterns and morality are inherited nonsense. And some being an important part of who we are.

It would be a pity if you cut off possibilities that might actually "work" in some sense for all concerned on the basis of some assumed things that had to be a particular way. And who knows, something good might come out of something that would appear unconventional - but who's to judge? If both are in agreement and there's no deception, and some good - where's the moral problem? As far as hypotheticals are concerned, well, life has a way of throwing curveballs at us regardless of our plans.

The other thoughts I had were that the refused sometimes think they are doing their spouses a favor by staying, and their extraordinary efforts to revive a non-existent spark. In fact, it may be prolonging torture for both of them. So you might indeed find the unconventional is better for both.

Finally, a phrase from David Schnarch comes to mind: "Seek to be known rather than validated".

I think this is probably the answer that I was looking for. I think also sometimes kindness to your spouse and yourself is more important then brutal honesty.

You are right, I really love how beautifully you put it.

3)I have decided to open myself to friendship first, just be open to meet new people.
I will be gone for an extended overseas trip for more then 6months. That could be the start of my new life, new air to breathe, newer opportunities to smile..

I wish you safe travels. I can't wait to read about the people you are meeting and the friendships you are forging !! I really like travel and meeting new people.