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A Useless Creation

I didn't know her only real interest in my body was as a source of what she needed to produce the baby she wanted so much. Looking back, I probably should have known, but I was very inexperienced in relationships.

I don't think she conciously chose to have that attitude about a husband. Her beliefs about marriage may have been shaped mostly by the circumstances of her life.

Still, I found myself with a wife who had no interest in sex, no interest in me. I pushed her and she sought help for a time. Eventually she declared that she was unwilling to try anything more. Time went on and it became ever more difficult for me to pretend she was getting anything out of sex. I felt I was just using her. So I stopped asking for it. The end.

Should I hate my body now? Should I hate my sexuality? They are the cause of my misery. They are useless. They have always been useless, except for that very brief time of giving her what she wanted. No woman could ever want them. And they probably keep me from doing more with my life, maybe even doing more good for others.
amdac amdac 46-50, M 12 Responses Nov 29, 2012

Your Response


I am sorry it didn't work out with this woman. Why are you still with her if she's clearly said she's not into you? You deserve to be loved and to have someone who truly loves you and is physically/emotionally/mentally attracted to you.

"No woman could ever want them." ONE woman? and that's it? What should I do? Hang myself after first divorce? There are plenty of fish in the sea... Try at least... 20... then come back here... with updated views...

Well, if you have to reach in and fish out 20 to get one that's not rotten (according to you), that's a pretty damning statement on the institution of marriage, if not all humanity.

"stay off of Plenty of Fish..." There are good and bad people everywhere... The same on the internet...
"if you have to reach in and fish out 20 to get one that's not rotten (according to you)" It is not what I meant... It is your own interpretation... I only mean if you do not have enough experience,if you do not actually meet, talk, have relationship your judgements are rather theoretical... If you only tasted bread, water and carrot,how you can discuss the taste of champagne, caviar and melon?

"There are good and bad people everywhere, but the barrier to Plenty Of Fish doesn't exist because it's free and everyone on there is looking for something."
I agree partially... Generally if it is free it attracts more freaky people... Though I heard about some good stories from my friends...
Lol... Aren't we all looking for something?

Dear amdac, I have walked that path practically to the end. The journey is not pretty, but there is a definite destination that isn't too bad in the end, if you can avoid falling into depression. Others will disagree, but 1. I find male sexuality is indeed expendable; the sooner biologists put together artificial ***** the better; 2. the animal world is not about gender parity (some female spiders eat the male after copulation); perhaps males are expendable; 3. any engineer would lose their diploma for designing human sexuality --- pregnancy hormones (and menopause) that ravage the female body, glands that are essentially malignancy time bombs, a strange mixup of excretion and procreation, the list goes on. Do check out my stories.

"The transformation of quantity into quality was already known to the Megaran Greeks..." Same advice to you...

Glad to read you are in therapy because you have given away all your power.

You do not want a repeat of this in your next relationship...and yes there will be another relstionship when you kick this one to the curb.

"No woman could ever want them. (my body; my sexuality)
Sorry to go all Dr. Phil-ish on you, but "Where is the evidence for that?"

ONE woman has expressed this opinion. . . she does not get to vote for "all women"!!!!
My partner and I both come from SMs - our previous spouses did not want us - but we passionately desire and want each other.

Choosing to allow your Refuser spouse to define what is "wrong" with you is not at all helpful. Read widely here on this forum and you will discover much to support that it is HER problem - not your's.

I feel you. I have been where you are. I'm pretty sure it's not true.How do I know that? I'm out...It's not you, it's her.<br />
<br />
The fact that you hate your body and hate your sexuality? These are clear signals that you probably can't be happy with her.I am honestly not happy unless I have sex about once a week or so...well, with another person!*blush* Wanking gets old. <br />
<br />
I tried to make it enough; it just wasn't. I can't be happy in a monogamous relationship with an asexual...and I suspect that yours is an asexual.<br />
I liken it to a marriage between a gay person and a straight person....not good for either.<br />
I am going to guess she's happy. <br />
Your happiness is no less important than hers.<br />
You're not happy.

Quoting you here - "Looking back, I probably should have known".

You only know what you know at a given moment in time. So to some extent, you get a "pass" on making a dumb choice back when you were dumb.

That pass has long lapsed however, because NOW, you DO know more and your choices need to reflect that fact.

You know now that your marriage is a shithole.

You choose to stay in it, at this point.

You might choose differently tomorrow.

Tread your own path.

I know how you feel. I have thought about castration for myself. I hate that two organs down there make my life miserable. I know I could focus and get more done in my life without sexual desire.

You're thinking in terms of self-harm. Stop it.

Tthetree is absolutely correct. Do not wish yourself a "lesser person" because ONE person does not appreciate / desire you as you would wish. The fact that you are married to this "one person" increases the pain and the difficulty of finding a resolution, but it will NEVER be helped by indulging in self harm.

And it IS self harm to wish to castrate yourself - even if it remains as a wish only. You are a complete human being - cherish that and incrporate your sexuality as part of the complete "you".

Brother amdac your soul and body are not useless granted they are useless to the current spouse but if you free up your thinking away from the poor me approach you will realise that your body & soul has a lot to offer to someone that will appreciate it.

Dont hate yourself instead hate and change the fact that you have stayed for so long & not offered up any consequences. Your say that wife has declared thats it she is not doing anything to fix the sexless issue.

In reality it reads like this. She has taken a you approach to your problem and has taken a take it or leave it attitude towards you.

When you think about it what she is offering is a shi...t sandwich without even the trimmings of mayonaise.

When you got married i'm sure it wasnt to sign up to a life of celebacy. If you wanted that you would of become a monk in a monestry.

Perhaps you should have a good long think about the situation here and what you are going to offer her in return.

Do your support her finacially emotionally whatever? If so why considering she is not working with you as a wife and has taken on the decision making for the relationship without consultation with yourself.

At best you are currently in a Roomate scenario and roomates share expenses equally.

Just something to ponder.

Stay Strong & good Luck

you sound like a soul who feels used and discarded. you deserve better, not only for your life and but that of your child's as well. keep working on those steps to rebuild ur broken spirit.

If the feelings you express are genuine, unadjusted for hyperbole, I think you ought to seek professional help, sooner rather than later. That level of self-loathing is not only not right it is way out there abnormal, irrespective of the circumstances that have brought you to it. At least get an independent assessment.

Thank you. I do have a very good therapist.

Just because your wife doesnt want you or your body doesnt mean that all women would reject you.

SM messes with our mental and emotional wellness. Makes us doubt ourselves, confidence is ripped away and all self worth is annihilated...but that is a haze that is over us. Its not reality..its only the one we know.

You need to decide what you want in life and find the resolution to this situation. Get a different perspective of yourself.

There is support here for you.