Still Struggling But Worth It

Have you noticed we share things on here that we would never share with our "real world" friends? Sometimes these things can be so intense and we are scared to see the judgement in another's eyes. Here we can only read and interpret what u say without the expectation that u are harshly judging. It's a relief. I haven't told anyone about my stepfather like I have on here. I hinted to my husband thinking he understood the words I didn't say. He didn't until he read my confession. I didn't understand all about him until I read his. This is a place to grow. I have said it before that I thought EP was good for my marriage. That is true.

I have made some friends on here that I love talking to. Others just want sexual stories. That is fine, I've done it. Contrary to what my husband may think that is not my favorite part. I think my favorite part is that he and I talk about what is going on on here. What our friends are up to, etc. He was off for 10 days, I worked 9 of them. He and I had lunch/dinner most of those days. We talked during them! There were times when I wondered why he even said yes when I asked him to have lunch with me. We would sit down with our food and he would look everywhere but at me. Now, I am not a messy eater to be avoided if you're thinking that. ;-). If I asked a question, he would answer. That's it. Some days I would wish I had just brought a book and ate by myself. EP changed that. We are even talking about other stuff. It's been so great.

I know some think we are the same person. I am pretty sure our writing styles are different. I'm sorry I have no idea of the purpose of me writing this, I guess I just want to write down what I am thinking. Although last time I did that, I got some major back lash. It was weird. I read some stories by one of them. They wanted sex too. I now think they were jealous because he and I are working through things. And yes we have been having great sex regularly! We are reconnecting in ways we haven't in years. It's a good thing.

Do we have issues? Yes! He still doesn't trust me. I try to understand that since I broke it originally. I still sometimes feel that he has to get turned on for me by someone else. (now a story he's read or written here). I am sometimes afraid that what he is mad at me for is what he wants to do. So I get the backlash of that--like the guilty pushing the blame elsewhere. Does that make sense?

What I do know is that I love him. I have since I was 20. I don't want to loose him. I will keep trying to be supportive. I will keep trying to prove I love him to him. I can see us with our grandchildren over while their parents go out. (not too soon mind you, my kids! Lol) I don't picture myself with anyone but him. Have I done that? Yes. I have pictured me and the kids alone. I was ready to make that happen. I don't want that now. I never really did. I just didn't feel like I was getting through to him. I felt like I was there and he didn't really care either way. I was convenient I guess.

For those of you still in sexless marriages, I don't envy you. I was there for so many years. It was so hard to keep my head up. Why don't they want us? What is wrong with us? He seems to enjoy it when we make love, so why not more often? I asked those questions to myself so many nights!

Part of my answers were that he doesn't really like to be touched since he was abused. I felt like I was only loved if I was being touched. Talk about opposites attracting! We are working on it. He actually holds my hand now. He even reaches for it first sometimes!

For those who got...angry? Jealous?... At my last story, all I can say is, if you love him/her keep trying. Don't cheat. Don't lie. Just keep telling them that you love them. Maybe go to counseling. (that would have helped us years sooner if our insurance covered it :-() I recommend both of you get on here. That way you can talk to people feeling what you are--you both will have some same and some different interest groups. Don't judge each other for them. Set up rules first. Are you going to read each others PMs? Are you going to know the others password? Are you going to give out another private email address? Think of all the things that you want to address and cover those. It doesn't matter what you decide versus what someone else decides, just do what's right for you two. Ex. you all know he has my password, I dont have his. That works for us right now. Will that change? Maybe, maybe not. That's up to us, please don't judge. I won't judge your choices.

I wish you all luck and success in your relationships. I hope you do the same for me. It is a struggle, but after 21 years I still know he is, no I know, we are worth it.

To those of you who read this, I hope I make sense. Teeny tiny phone screen so not going back to check the flow. My English teachers may be disappointed. Hope they're not on here knowing this is me! Lol

💋 Red
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5 Responses Nov 29, 2012

Very nice to hear , I have had the same this year . 27 years together 20 married
no sex for over ten year I was ready to quit , and started chatting on line date site. I never have cheated before but he lost his lust for me it sucked alone for so long , but I did not know much about computer . So he saw my history of where I had been chatting. He did not like my body after child birth so he turn away.

I tryed for years to stay happy for what I had , but I was so alone so I chatted and get busted . He was hurt hie goody shoes wife felt that way . But 6month later we have sex daily sometimes more . I 'm learn so much on EP ne don't know about EP but I do tell him about literotica .com stories and we are learnIng what we need . I hope you find all the love and passion we both need !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish you luck and success....and that my marriage has the same luck and success that your may have!

Good for you Red! While we still carry on as housemates with a child it's great to read stories about rebuilding that physical connection..yes, even the hand holding.

Best of luck to you both xx

nice honest confessions definitely makes us grow stronger and more aware! I am pretty sure you feel more relaxed and more understanding about your own situation than before! this is my experience!

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