Holidays Make Me Feel DesperateI think about my ideal holiday family time. To me there should be playfulness and laughter, love and happiness. In my house it's stressful with a lot of expectations on me but very few things I get to expect of him for me.
I used to find the holidays quite romantic. It was cold outside and a good time for holding hands and getting close to each other. Now when we walk there seems to be a gap 3 feet wide between us. If our son is between us we walk closer to each other (even with him in the middle) than if there's just air.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't see how I can get out with a young child still at home and I only work part time. He is a great provider and there are good things about him, but we are just parenting partners and pay bills together at this point. I can not remember the last time we had a conversation that was not bills-daycare-soccer-school-work. Something about my thoughts, my beliefs. I bring things up that I would like to talk about and he stares off like I am boring.
Having my husband act like I am boring all the time is doing a number on me. Sometimes I get so angry I don't know if any of this is worth it. I don't know how to get out and provide for my son. I don't want this anymore. Sometimes I wonder if disappearing or death would make things better. My husband would take good care of our son and I wouldn't be unhappily asking him for more all the time. If it were not for my son I surely would have left the marriage. If it were not for my son I possibly would have killed myself. Concern for my son at this point keeps me in between and stuck here.
The holidays coming are making me depressed. I just needed to vent.