Toxic Rejection = Self-blame?

from the female perspective in a sexless marriage it is so difficult to hear constant chatter about men LOVING sex. "men dont turn it down" or "men are ALWAYS interested". well not my MAN. i know there are usually underlying issues. he has ED and avoids most physical contact, saying why try just to be disappointed. he also refuses to follow through with medication; makes excuses that the Rx is too expensive. so as hard as i try not to blame myself and/or feel bad, it has certainly taken its toll on my already low self-esteem. it may be crass but i ask myself... "am i unf*ckable"?

what sense do you make out of the total rejection and resulting dejection?
WhiteSoxGal WhiteSoxGal
41-45, F
13 Responses Nov 29, 2012

<p>&nbsp;<p>I have PTSD - following a lifetime of trauma including rape, childhood emotional neglect & male abandonment issues. I have been with my husband 16 years - 15 of which we had an active sex life. During the past year we have only been intimate twice, not even birthday or anniversary sex. I don't have any reason to think he is cheating. I have dealt with many of the issues from my past affecting my anxiety through therapy, medication and EMDR but for the past 3 months the nightmares and insomnia have become unbearable. Trazadone and ambien don't stop me from waking up all night and Prazosin doesn't help my nightmares. I have tried EMDR which worked for the insomnia in the past with no result.<br />
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I have landed a rewarding new job to reduce stress, our 2 oldest daughters have moved out and now we only have our son who is easy-going and very well behaved. I cannot help but to think the only issue remaining which is the major stressor in my life is my sexless marriage. <br />
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We used to watch **** on occasion but with my history I finally told him how much it bothered me. It was the only time he would carry on with foreplay and thought it was the movies turning me on, even thought I didn't actually watch them during the event - when the **** stopped, so did the sex.<br />
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I feel lonely, scared and that I must be disgusting if he won't touch me anymore. I have gained 35 lbs since beginning my medication regimen but have since tapered off most meds and my dr is now sending me to an endocrinlogist for a Cushing's Syndrome workup due to my sypmtoms and history of chronic high stress. On a side note, he has also gained about 30 lbs over the past year after he quit smoking. <br />
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My husband says not to worry, he loves me. This is like a bandaid on a broken bone. Sure, he loves me but he still can't bring himself to touch me. Or he loves me, just "not like that". It is dehumanizing to me. <br />
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My therapist says the fact that i have such anxiety in my bed and intense feelings of being unwanted could certainly be contributing to my anxiety & insomnia and that maybe my husband has a physical reason for abstaining. The two times we have been intimate there was no mechanical problem. If it were low testosterone, there is medication for that and you would think he would look into it knowing the effect this is having on me. Those low-T commercials come on TV and he has commented on the long list of side-effects - they should run a commercial about the side effects of a sexless marriage, including infidelity and divorce. I just don't know what to do. <br />
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I couldn't even think of having an affair as have so many women in the posts I read. I could only imagine the additional anxiety it would cause. Plus, I truly love him. I don't want to leave but can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. <br />
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Any suggestions are welcomed as I am at the end of the proverbial rope.</p><p></p>

i am SO sorry for not responding earlier. wow, you have a lot on your proverbial plate (as do i). i sincerely sympathize with ur situation. for now i will simply say, i know it doesnt fix everything, to concentrate on urself. ur needs, ur life. if he refuses to participate and/or work with u on this then i believe putting the energy inward will ONLY help you. i will write you privately :o)

I am in this place of dejection too. As I read the stories all I can do is cry - it really is hopeless isn't it? I have no excuse for not moving on, just an extreme paralysis of ego.
He moved into his own room in 2008 for which I was frankly relieved. At least now I can take care of myself.

My spouse was not a bad person, just a physically unloving person. Someone very miss matched for me.I now understand that and accept that and forgive that part of the problem.What I do not forgive, or accept, is his unwillingness to discuss it, deal with it, and at least allow him and I to leave the marriage, and have a life matching our needs and expectation of a "normal marriage".This avoidance of the problem, this avoiding the elephant in the room, left me with a damaged soul, broken heart, and a lot of self blame. I assumed for a must be me..i am not pretty enough, desiarable, etc, etc,and tried all kinds of things to be the woman he could finally love. It wasn't until ending up here, and really listening, and thinking and understanding, that I was able to really grasp. i would never be that way to him..and if I wanted that kind of a realtionship, equally matched, equally desired, well it had to be with someone else, not with the spouse.

Yes, exactly. I resent having had my desire (need?) for a loving, intimate relationship used to control and manipulate me, to undermine me and keep me hanging on.

Can't love me or don't find me attractive - that's fine, let me go, I'll be sad, but I'll get over it. But the continued dishonesty and controlling behaviour to keep me trapped, while I'm clearly in distress, that I find hard to forgive.

I know, and my spouse too became very controlling and manipulative. i think he did so, because i was being different. I was pulling away, I was avoiding him, and he was panicky.

There are two surprising things that I have discovered on ILIASM. One is that there are practically as many women as men that aren't getting enough, in spite of the stereotype that men always want it and women turn off the tap with the first mouthful of wedding cake. The other is that BOTH genders seem to respond in the same way to the lack of atttention, with minor differences.

You are correct in the numbers being 2:1, men to women here. Most men, however, don't seem to post anything which suggests that they are just mildly disgruntled. Posts from women seem to outnumber posts from men and ALL (most) of the people that do post seem to be severely affected by their lack. I still remain surprised by the number of women represented here...

How is it that some people are just not wired for sex. I just dont get it, i cant get enough yet my partner just does not need it. And yes we question ourselfs, because our wants and wishes no longer match anybody elses. Thatis until you read the stories and experiances on EP. Good luck

As incomprehensible as you find a person not needing sex, please be aware that a person who doesn't need sex finds it incomprehensible that sex can take up so much space in some people's hearts and minds. Both ways of being are equally valid, despite the value judgments voiced in this forum.

Some people's "wants and needs" include sex, and other people's wants and needs include just about anything but that. It's a huge incompatibility, and it's sad when marriage and kids are involved, but you have to accept that people without a libido do exist, whether you "get it" or not. It's no use pounding your head against a brick wall and asking "how is it that such people exist?"

I am a man (the last time I checked) and I am equally mystifyed as to why some guys don't like sex... or ask for it; two different things, I guess. The only thing that has stopped me initiating sex is the ho-hum response that I get on the now rare occasions that I do initiate. The slightest bit of enthusiasm attracts plenty of attention from me and NO, I am not particulary ugly, I DO bathe every day whether I need it or not and use deoderant, and I am up on all foreplay techniques. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make her drink. :(

I like your comment! If water doesn't work have you tried chocolate milk...LOL

:) Have tried about everything and now I am over it. Some people are just not wired to want to enjoy sex :(

yes Walabby about ur astute observation... dont EVEN get me started lol

Dealt with it for DECADES. Finally woke up. Sadly I am in part to blame..for my inertia. Now I must break both our hearts and lives b/c I now know the answer.

What is the answer?

DIVORCE. MOVING ON. :( Not really sad face I guess...but hope for the future...while there is still LIFE in this body there is still HOPE.

I wish I knew the real reason my husband refuses to have any physical contact with me. Even when I try to hug him I get the brush off. He always seems to have plenty of energy for his friends and family but never any for me. I believed it was my fault for a long time but now I am starting to think that he's just an imature jerk. I am sick of killing myself trying to make him happy and trying to make myself available and desireable to him but I also constantly think that I should just keep trying to work things out with him. We live like roommates. He never compliments me or offers me any praise or interest. He never notices the things I do or asks about my day or my thoughts/feelings. He comes home late every night from work, eats the dinner I prepare (without ever offering a compliment), then spends the rest of the night playing trivia on his computer and watching TV until midnight when he comes to bed. He leaves early for work everyday and on the weekends he sits at his computer from the time he wakes until he goes to bed. When I try to interact with him or beg him to go out with me to do something or go somewhere he is always too tired or not "in the mood" or he simply ignores me. He has even stopped talking to me during meals, except to complain about his job. I feel like a failure. I also feel so alone. I hate my life but I don't know what to do to make my relationship better. I have begged him to get counseling but he says "There's nothing wrong".

You just described my husband until the end part. He went to counseling with me. He even did some hypnosis to get to the root of some childhood abuse. We went on a couples retreat. So he constantly gives me the impression that he REALLY tries. That he really cares. That he really wants to fix this. But I'm realizing through this forum, that he only does all these things when his back is against the wall...when he thinks I'm leaving. He fixes things up, like patchwork...maybe even some reset sex (although we haven't have even that in about a year.) In fact....looking over the entire marriage....we have NEVER had make-up sex, fun sex, birthday sex, quickie sex, experimental sex, loving's only been RESET sex....and it started on the night of the wedding.

leave him. He's not worth it.

GibbySan- I stopped asking 5 years ago.

Yeah, we all felt like that. It's what repeated rejection does to you. If it's of any interest, it's just as bad on the male side of the fence ("can't keep your wife happy?", it keeps us from talking about this stuff or even reading about it - for years). It's bullsh1t. Normal people enjoy having sex. Really. You're not going to be rational about this at the moment - none of us were at this stage of the game - realise this, and build from it.

I would bet that you are not unfuckable. Your husband however has fuc..ked with your mind leading you to believe you are unfuckable.<br />
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Your husband is giving you loud and clear signals about just how much he cares about the relationship in general and your feelings. Those signals are not very encouraging. He refuses to take his medication and than complains that it is too expensive. <br />
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Thus as i read it he has taken a fuc...k you approach to the problem and wont do anything to rectify it. He also clearly demostrates that he is a tight with money another quality that doesnt rate high on the appealing list.<br />
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The question now is have you had enough? Are you at your breaking point? If not thats ok but perhaps at some point you will reach that breaking point so best to gain legal advice from now and prepare an exit plan as your insurance policy.<br />
Stay Strong & Good Luck

you aren't unfu**able. its just a stage in sexless marriage that everyone goes through. Just wait until you get to the stage where you no longer blaim yourself and you know its NOT you thats the problem.

awesome, trust me.

my dance instructor said (well before kidz anyways) I was sexy. wow. who knew?

pamper yourself. don't expect compliments. but cherish the feeling of taking better care of yourself. make yourself pretty because YOU like it

ha yeah. one time I got sooo horny from just this guys cologne (cab driver, and hubby never wears colognes that I like). omg it was crazye.

my hubby has neglected me so bad the dentists fingers in my mouth felt erotic

and your ob/gyn?????? :)

hell no! i HATE pelvic exams. ughhh!

If you come onto this board, you are best served to bring a blank sheet of paper.

Stuff that your parents told you, your religious leader sermoned you on, what you saw on tv, what you read in a glossy magazine need to all be up for searching questioning.

Your job is to find YOUR truth. Not to conduct your life on what someone else says is "the" truth.

Tread your own path.

Good point but the constant bombardment just makes the pain that much more unbearable. For the 1st 2 years of my marriage, I ate lunch with a bunch of female coworkers who were 10-15 years into their marriages. Let me tell you, their incredible sex lives with their husbands were often the topic of conversation. I would stay silent and feel hurt, anger and confusion. The pain was so new at the time....his rejection of me was so new that I had no perspective. They would often throw comments at me and say things like....oh you're a newlywed....your sex life must be so freakin hot. I would play along but inside I was fighting the confusion. I was also in the phase where I thought something was wrong with me. That I had somehow caused it to happen. Mix that with tv, friends, etc.....yes finding your own personal truth is essential but the societal pressure does not help at ALL!!!

And all that time anguishing over "what other people (claim) to be doing" achieved - - - what ??

I'm not saying it achieved anything. I was merely pointing out that depending on where a person is on this journey....listening to it all around you makes your pain feel worse. Maybe you forgot how you once felt early on. Before you knew others experienced your pain? Before you knew you weren't the only one going through it? When my experience began over a decade ago, I tried to find an on-line forum and some lady told me...hey if you aren't get any, take care of it yourself. I didn't reach out through the internet again until a few months ago. Not having people to talk to is a lonely place. No one gets it out there. So add all the other crap and it really hurts.

I have asked myself that question many nights. Many mornings. Many lonely afternoons. Asking it now, in fact. Thing is, many men could line up and tell me how wonderful I am, but none of them matter. The fact that the man I married and love is not among them destroys me. your words are just like mine!!!! The pain is unreal.