Patterns... Around And Around We GoThanks to wise friends, I find myself in a much better fr
I exercised a lot today in between mountains of paper work for my job. I ended the day with a killer cardio boxing class. In the middle of the class, a thought hit me -- whenever I am working out and taking care of myself, I realize how unhappy I am in my marriage. That gets uncomfy, so I stop -- and revert to that woman who has this life with this man. But I don't LIKE that life... so I go back to working out and taking care of myself and doing things I love... and again... I notice the marriage doesn't fit what I really want in life.
year after year after year!
In fact, I know for sure I shared this same revelation back in January. I was working out, eating healthy and living life all through March. It was in January that I moved into the guest room and we were so close to divorce. Then we get back together, decide to work things out --- and then--- bam........... didn't work out this summer......... tried to, but just didn't have it in me. Watched tv with husband, found myself complaining more, angry more......
Then in the fall I had enough again. Joined a gym, working out with awesome happy and healthy people. A month into it and here I am again........... looking at the marriage like a cancer in my life.....
Is it just me? Or is it him? Or what is it?
A trainer I once had said to me something I will never forget.....
"Sometimes a person cannot better herself because the problem isn't her in the first place, she is just surrounded by a$$holes." (that's a quote from somewhere but that was the first time I had heard it)
I need to be strong enough to be the person I want to be no matter who I am with or what is going on. But when you LIVE with someone and you are SHARING a life with someone who is not remotely into the same things you are in life it does feel like an anchor. Like you are DRAGGED DOWN. Like the life is SUCKED out of you.
I do not think I am almighty or perfect - it's just how I feel and it hurts to say that. It doesn't feel good to say in anyway.
I don't want to revert backwards again, so help me. I LOVE being active. I LOVE doing things. I LOVE traveling. I LOVE people and getting involved in friends' lives and volunteering and exploring topics, places and new ideas. My husband plays in a band (which is cool and I always support him with) but other than that he plays video games and watches TV and COMPLAINS all the time.
The touches we had were fake --- I could tell he was just trying to please me to sustain me, but he doesn't LIKE the kind of touches I like. Now those have stopped 100%. Again.
Wait -- aren't I in a better place? I thought I was.
Well, I decided it's okay for me to be where I am. I have to build myself back up again...... trust myself again......... keep awareness up again.... but I don't have to do anything right this second. I am choosing that and owning it (Wisi) and that is okay. For now.
Phew --- okay. Thanks........