Patterns... Around And Around We Go

Avoidance is coping while trying to minimize the amount of hurt you are going to get for doing the opposite...engaging.Avoidance is what I have been practicing for so long that I have avoided all the possible outgoing paths, and avoided my way into the place I am and will be until change presents the next opportunity to stop avoiding and simply turn onto a new path. It is natural to avoid that which hurts, that which damages....but somewhere in the processing of this we become so good at evasion that we are even evading ourselves. I came here looking to see if I was alone in feeling avoided. I found that I was indeed not alone in this experience. I posted often as I made my way through discovery of the meaning of this SM, my own contribution to it, and finding that which I can not change. I ranted here...I questioned here. Knowing all along that not doing either of these in relation to the spouse was avoiding the creation of more chaos and hurt. I have come to realize that engaging was not going to result in change...unless that engagement was the initialization of change for myself. I now stand in an odd place (odd to me anyway) - I am no longer feeling the need to theorize on a solution. The solution is fully evident. I feel no need to further rant as the anger is expended. I am simply standing and working at making sure that the next opportunity to effect change will allow for more than choosing fight or avoid. That there will be a viable and doable third choice of doing something else.....exiting. Done with why, done with placing blame or accepting blame I do not deserve, done with any hope doing something that will return us to a co-walked path. And as a result - done with visiting here every night to express and release the tension, or chase a why, or look for an answer as to what can be done. I know all these things, I know the possible choices. I know the cost of each choice, and I know what cost is acceptable to me. Seeking a different answer than that provided by plain truth is avoidance of the truth, and that cannot provide impetus to making a choice. Therein lies the circle you describe. We accept an untruth that fits our avoidance strategy....and we live with it until it is undeniable that it is not working. Then we go back and look for another answer to try, instead of stepping off the un-merry-go-round at the point where the truth comes closest to its arc of travel. That truth point may be different for all; simply accepting it as it is, and no longer chasing something better is a real option (a pole at one point in the arc )- so is finding it to be unacceptable and intractable and accepting that the only option (the pole 360 degrees from the first one) is leaving - anything between these to poles of thought is a suitable jumping off point. What should not be done is avoiding the next time we pass the pole closest to our own truth and self.....and choosing to step off there.

Awake, just reading your comments about your spouse and you, I was struck with some random thoughts. Firstly, there is little chance that you and he can engage at a deeply intimate level (you know this). You and your spouse do not exchange information (thoughts and feelings) at the same depth. Secondly, his motivations, like yours, are fear-based and I reckon he fears your absence in his life as much as you do. Its not about building on love, its about avoiding the pain. You are both clinging to this descending spiral. His level of dissonance however, because he is less engaged, gets righted very quickly after you pass a crisis point and he reverts back to type. I doubt that will change. It may well be that if you leave, once past the pain, he will recover much faster than you, given the lower level of emotional engagement.

I am so critical of my own words -- as I read what I wrote I imagined someone connecting my not working out with him losing interest in me. But, it actually happens in reverse order. He stops affection and touching and then I slip into some funk. Basic thing is - you can't fix what never existed in the first place. He is not an affectionate, intimate, sexual being who loves life. So how can he bring that aspect to our marriage? IMPOSSIBLE.

Ok, this is easy. If you don't have kids
together get out, as you are not going to suddenly grow together. People hold their own or grow apart as I see it.

Key here is "owning" what you are feeling.

That is not necessarily all warm and fuzzy, in fact it can be bloody intimidating if you don't like what you "own".

However, if you "own" it, you can do something about it - at a time appropriate for you.

If you don't / won't / can't "own" how you are feeling then you can NOT do anything about it. You remain in victim mode.

There's a Dr Philism, to the effect that you can't change what you don't acknowledge. It is a pretty sound statement I reckon.

Have a breather sister A. "Owning" stuff can be ******* hard work.

Tread your own path.

Awakeforthedance, There is a basic compatibility mismatch between you and your husband. What he wants you find horrible. What you want he finds horrible. There is no common ground. If you do what he wants you will never feel RIGHT about it. When he touches you like you want he will never feel RIGHT about it. That's not fair to either of you. It's also neither of your fault. It just is.

Happy Birthday!

Don't know where else to plop this --- tomorrow is my bday - no big deal, I am not one to announce it or remind others of it. Didn't talk about it once. Tonight H says to me, "I didn't do anything for your birthday, cuz that would be stupid." I know he meant "financially stupid" as we are in a tough spot with finances. But -- did he have to announce it like that? It made me feel unloved. He must have noticed because he said, "You didn't do anything for mine...." to which he got a look of total bewilderment and shock from me ... and then said, "Did you? I don't remember." So - he doesn't remember the dinner out - the card - the small present that didn't cost much but at least said, "hey, I know it's your birthday and I wanted you to know I remembered it and wanted you to feel good." No matter - I don't want or need anything - it's just -- another moment in this marriage.

Awake, my story today"Old habits die hard" shows how DIFFICULT it is for us to (a) recognise and (b) act on those old habits that circumvent our becoming the person we want to be! There used to be an ad.for British Paints (here in Australia) that said "Keeps on keeping on". I think this is a good motto for us! We need to "keep on keeping on" challenging our thinking and growing as people.Little by little and step by step we move forward. Sometimes it is two steps forward, then one back . . . but don't let stop you "keeping on keeping on"! You are once more on the track to becoming your authentic self and having your real needs met. That is a life goal worth pursuing. {{{hugs}}}

I realize now that I'm out...I am better off alone than with her.
...and that I don't have to be alone if I don't want to be.

...I think you're seeing really clear evidence of the same.