There's Talk And There's The Talk

So, my wife and I have talked about our lack of sex in the past, but we have not had The Talk. You know the one where you lay it on the line, you really express your total frustration and hurt.

I have read many of the stories, felt many others hurt. I have been reluctant to really share as the pain and the realization that sharing my story is admitting that I too am really in this boat. So I really don't have the right to ask, but I will anyway.

Those of you who have had The Talk, how did it go? What did you do that made it go well? How do you do it without just ripping into your spouse, which my hurt wants me to do.

Most if all, for some it was a productive process, what made it successful. It's easy to do it wrong, how can it, if it can, go well?
Nodifferent Nodifferent
46-50, M
6 Responses Nov 29, 2012

For me the most difficult park of having "the talk" is that my husband never follows through with what he says he will do. I feel that talking is not going to work but I am also unable to let my husband go and start over. Each time that I try to discuss our problems my husband either ignores me, denies the problem, blames the problem on me, his job stress, his allergies or some other issue that deflects the problem and makes me feel more and more abandoned, afraid and hopeless. I am tired of talking but I can start over. For now I am just stuck financially and physically to a man that doesn't love me enough to honestly discuss our problems and work towards solutions.

With all due respect, do YOU follow through with your consequences that you outline in "The Talk" ??

So sorry, it sounds like you feel trapped , are you?

My talk, if you can call it that, amounted to "We are awful in bed. I will put a stop to this misery. I will not be taking any questions".

It went really badly (I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't know sexless marriages were a common problem or that this group existed until after I'd left my W). Lot's of tears, begging me to stay, promises to get professional help, hints at dark things in the past. All triggered the compassion switch in my head (let's face it, we're suckers for this stuff). Of course nothing is actually done, I got a shag or two (literally), but a year later I'm back at the same place. Do this a few times and you realise you're being a mug.

So, I'd advise that you don't do it like I did. Be disciplined, be clear on what you want, the timelines and the decision points. They'll likely be screaming while you say this stuff; these folks hate clear explicit discussion of these matters, (the 'daylight' burns them?).

They'll likely be screaming while you say this stuff; these folks hate clear explicit discussion of these matters, (the 'daylight' burns them

gypsy...> i love this ^ ^

Personal opinion only.

"The Talk" is not a mechanism by which you are going to 'fix' anything. It is a method where you state your position, and outline the consequences (what you are going to do) if the unsatisfactory nature of the relationship continues. Naturally, you have to have to have these consequences all planned out and in do-able status and be absolutely prepared to do it - if it comes to that - BEFORE you even open your yap.

And the chances are almost certain that you WILL have to do that. "The Talk" in actuality is usually just a signpost, a ticked box, an inevitable part of the process as you head for the exit.

You might do well to read "mvcmvc"s 'penultimate talk' example. (I reproduced it in a story I wrote called "Rocking The Boat"), and she has put it out there a lot in various comments.

I'm not reading in your story that you are up for this just yet. I am reading that you still harbour hope of a fix, and that you do NOT have a do-able exit strategy to back up "The Talk". Until and unless you DO have a do-able exit strategy in your pocket and the resolve to do it if need be, I would counsel against attempting "The Talk".

"The Talk" must not be a bluff. That is a road to no-where. If you bluff, and your missus calls you on it, and you back down, all you have achieved is to trash your credibility, and put yourself backwards by months, possibly years.

Tread your own path.

This helped me. I am trying to plan how to approach my husband. I will see a lawyer, what could it hurt, we both have invested interest in this house and kids and I do not want to give him the upper hand. He would take it and run with it at the first sign of any dissonance in our happy little life.

I'll reply in more detail on your recent story Sister S. But in your situation I reckon your plan is going to need to be extremely covert.

In my experience the talk is never really embraced seriously by the refusive spouse.

Dont get me wrong the talk is needed and if you are planning to have it i would suggest you do it once and only once. Give some serious thought on what you will say and consequences which you should be prepared to follow on if she doesnt change her ways.

Now keep in mind that there is the distinct possibillity that she will not take well to the talk and other than you keeping a calm firm tone their is not much you can do regarding her reaction.

Be calm but firm lay it on the line and make it abundently clear of the consequences to the marriage if she will not step up and meet you half way.

Stay Strong &Good Luck

May I suggest you read my story called "The Talk - an ILIASM Staple". Hopefully it will give you a starting point. There are other good stories on here about "the Talk" - search for it in the Stories section.