Death GripI feel like it would be easier to drown in the bath tub than it would be to leave.
I'm embarrassed that I feel like this. It seems like I'm back at square one. I feel guilty, I wish I hadn't told anyone in real life (even though my confidants were ultra-supportive of me).
Recently I took a solo vacation - my first solo vacation ever. No kids, no refusing husband. As I prepared to head across the country, I wondered if there was a way I could somehow meet up with another ILIASMer. I really just wanted to chat face to face with someone who really, really knew where I was coming from. But alas, I didn't reach out to anyone and there was no such meeting.
I thought time away would help clear my head. It didn't. While I was gone I became completely overwhelmed one day and had to talk myself down. Then when I returned, I found myself wearing my old mask. The one that hides my pain and despair. I had thought it had fallen off and broke - apparently I just momentarily forgot where I had placed it.
I didn't want to allow that cold, deceitful mask to even get near my face again, but somehow I am being smothered by it. Why can't I reclaim my life?
I think of all the insightful stories I have read on this forum. I've even saved them as favourites and reread them from time to time:
"Why Repairing a Sexless Marriage is So Impossible" by neuily
"It's just the sex! Everything else is fine! Is it? A questionnaire..." by rosedl
"Another F*@ckless Fathers Day ," by nonookie
"My Love-Hate Relationship... With my Bed" by Pinkberry
"A Story With Some Twists" by hl42
"Depleted Resources," by golferel
"Are You a Victim?" and many others by enna30
"Choices," "First Post? - What's Ahead?" "You're Going to Pay. Now? Or Later?" "You Pay Now - The Kids Can Pay Later," "Why Are You Writing?" and many more posts by bazzar
There is a plethora of other stories by many other poster that I haven't mentioned... If your name isn't included here, it's not because I don't value your contributions, experience, and advice, it's just a matter of time and space.
So why is it this dysfunctional relationship has such a hold on me? WHY?!?
I wish the death grip would loosen its hold. Where is my alter ego who I introduced in my story "At Knifepoint?" I could really use her now.