I Don't Know What To Do Anymore, I'm Miserable

Before we got married sex was 2-3 times a day 6 days a week. ********, not including foreplay, was once a week. My sex life was awesome. The 8 months after marriage the sex was 3 times a week, which was okay since we both worked alot.

When we wanted to have kids the sex picked up again. It was after our second child that she decided not to have anymore kids. I was okay with that since we have one of each sex. But something happened after the second child, our sex life started to die little by little.

It's been 6 yrs and we only have sex once every 9 days and that's because by then it's almost unbearable that i'm literally begging her for it. I hate that she makes me feel like she's doing me a favor.

I'm a good looking 29 yr old guy, well endowed and make over $150,000. I try and buy her what ever she wants. She complained that i don't help around the house, so i started helping as much as i can. Nothing changed in our sex life. I struggle trying to figure out what happeded.

I realized that women only have room in their life for five major priorities and the rest get tossed aside. I call it the five finger rule. Basically the five priorities our the House, the Son(s), the Daughter(s), her Career and you. The worst part is that because you're now a low priority that anything more important can come along and knowck you right off. When you fall off of the priority list it's hard to get back on. Leaving you a closed fist to ********** with.

I told myself that if it ever came down to cheating on my wife that i would divorce her. But after two kids i realize that it's not that easy. I love my kids so much that i would stay miserable for them to be happy.

She didn't work today, but the kids were sick and stayed home. So when i came from work i cleaned up the living room, helped put the kids to bed, started a fire in the fire place and put on our favorite show. I started tickling her leg, something she loves. After the show i hinted at going up stairs into bed and she said she'll be up there as soon as the fire dies down. 4 hours later i woke up to her climbing into bed like nothing was wrong.

I feel like i have only two options, stay miserable and continue stopping at the local bar after work to take a shot of jameson and a corona to make it bearable or find a women in the same situation and meet up every now and then for some animalistic sex. The sex we use to have where all five senses are involved and every thrust sends shock waves thru out your body. I miss that sex and i can't remember the last time i felt anything but a temporary relief.

I live in southjersey, with nothing around. I use to be in the navy, sail across the world. One month i'm skinny dipping in hawaii flirting with these two girls, the next i'm in Australia partying it up. What a life i had, i can't believe i'm only 29 years old and so freakin bored.

I'm going to secretly schedule an appointment with a marriage therapist next week. I want to sit down with someone and just talk about all this that's been bundling up inside me. Sad that i can't even talk to my wife, the one forever person, about this.

I read a post from here that kind of opened my mind to the possiblity that she doesn't love me like that anymore. That she loves my like a love you have for a sibling or a good friend. If this was true i wish she would hurry up and divorce me so that i can move on.

There's nothing else i can do

Bored and sexually frustrated in southjersey
Eastandunderstand Eastandunderstand
26-30, M
2 Responses Nov 30, 2012

I actually feel a lot of hope for your situation. I think going to a marriage counselor on your own is a great idea. You guys are still having sex, but it's a bit same-y and not as often as you'd like. If anything I think she probably needs to move herself UP her own priority list. You have to have fun to be fun. Young kids are draining and it sounds like she's working as well.

That's not to say this isn't a serious situation. But I don't believe you've passed the point of no return. Maybe after you've been to marriage counselling for a bit, you guys can start to go together. There's no point in mutual defensiveness if you both want to be happily married. And you do need to listen to her needs as well with an open heart. "You don't help around enough the house" is code for something else (as well as actually helping out around the house). And "We don't have sex enough" is also coded, too. Yes - you're not having sex enough but it also sounds like you want to be closer, more intimate and having more fun together.

I love her so much, there was a time where we would go out dancing all night long. Now she doesn't even bother going out to have fun. The sex is not the i want you so bad that I'm wet sex, the sex is the oh man he wants it again, okay here you go. The difference between the two is the level of satisfaction.

Hmm...fun's important.
Date night?
Get a sitter and all that jazz?

I dunno if this suggestion is do-able...
But if someone I was married to said "I will engage a maid if you have sex with me at least 4 times a week," I'd go for that.

Then again I like sex a lot and despise housework a lot...
But anyway...
Eventually you are going to have to tell her that the relative lack of sex is a BIG issue for you. I think the sooner you figure out how to have that conversation in a way that might actually get her to work on it...then the less resentment you will have accumulated when you do have it.
You're gonna have it...and better sooner than later. Please talk to the marriage counselor about how to do this.

Yeah talking to her doesn't work, I tried to bring it up a couple of times in a normal conversing way and she got all defensive saying I don't help around the house. I can't talk to her anymore about it, I don't think she cares I feel sexually frustrated. I'm almost tempted to say if we can't work this out don't be surprises if you find out I'm cheating on you. But I'm a nuclear engineer and not that stupid.

H, Yes that would be great. Except most of the time they shift the goal posts at that point and then there's something else you aren't doing right and some other reason. Or no reason but they pick fights and say "you can't expect me to have sex after THAT". Something isn't right inside her and inside your marriage. If she won't talk about it and she doesn't see it as a problem, nothing will change. In that case, the why does not matter. You could have a live-in housekeeper and a live-in nanny and there would be no sex. Try it for a few months if you can afford it. The lack of change to the status quo will speak volumes about these shifting goals posts.

You're absolutely right. One time I tried to clean everything for a week and not pressure her for sex. Nothing came out of it. I can't remember the last time she called me or text me to tell me how much she wanted me. Probably because she doesn't feel that way anymore

:(
Couple's counseling? would she go for it?
...I know I tried everything, mainly because I knew I'd feel less guilty if I did have to end it...
I feel guilty anyway, so that didn't work.
My therapist and my bestie keep reminding me I tried really, really fricken' hard, and my wife was having none of it.
What I did do was define what I needed to be happily married-minimum standards, basically.
I then started trying for one of two things: Improvement towards getting what I needed to be happy...or a clear indicator that I could never be happy with her.
...So I finally figured out that she's pretty-much asexual by asking her this question:
"Have you ever, in your entire life, lusted after someone's body? That is, desired to be physically sexual with them?"
She said no...at best she just got aroused randomly.
So I married the wrong person ten years ago. Just that simple.

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