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Why Did I Join Ep?

I just posted most of this to Unjust in a group, and realized I should have put it here as my story.

My username says a lot of where I am, and have been most of my life - and, yes, it is from an Alanis Morissette song - I've always longed for, desired someone to REALLY get me, to really connect, to really understand.

I've been married 17 years, have 4 great kids, but my marriage has always had sexual problems - as close to sexless as possible without me being able to say truly sexless. Going six months or longer is common for us. I am SO tired of it, so angry and hurt and frustrated. I want the emotional intimacy, the physical contact, the physical release, pleasing a woman, having fun. We've had trouble our entire marriage, been through counselors, books, marriage programs... nothing helps, but perhaps for a very short time.

I am SOOO tired of it. But I love and enjoy my kids dearly. I don't want to have divorce be a part of their lives. My wife and I actually get along and work well together as parents - just not as a romantic couple.

I think often of finding someone for casual sex... but when it comes right down to it, honestly, my greatest fear is my wife finding out, because I'm not sure our marriage would survive, which brings me back around to not wanting to lose my kids, or have to limit my time with them, or put them through a divorce.

I am angry about my "sexless" marriage. I'm hurt, rejected, frustrated. I just want to forget about it, resign myself to no sex, convince myself I don't care, focus on what is good. I can do that for a day, or a week. Then I'm back in the pit of anger and dispair and bitterness.

In all other aspects - I really am a great guy. Smart, funny.. (really)... friendly, giving. I'll admit, part of the reason I joined EP is the hope of finding a woman to connect with, to talk, to be open and honest, to find some of that emotional and intellectual connection I'm missing - even if that relationship is also sexless. At least my expectations and desires aren't in the way and getting shattered.

Other than that - I'm good! I'm ready for and excited about other topics here...

catchthisdrift (male, 47)
catchthisdrift catchthisdrift 46-50, M 6 Responses Nov 30, 2012

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Hi bud, you have a lot of good advice here, but there is some I do not think would be good for you. Cheating is not an avenue you should approach. Reading your posts, guilt would eat you up, and the conflict of wanting to be one place and needing to be somewhere else would emotionally tear you apart. My first marriage before kids, was like a dream, very close, very sexual, very open and fun loving, after the first kid, it was different, but I could accept it, kids take time and require attention. The second child was like the turning off of a light switch, it was a nightmare. I tried to get us into counselling and was told straight up, I will kill you if you do that. I backed off thinking we could work it out. I was wrong, we were married 13 years when the divorce occurred. I could not stand the soul wrenching of cheating again, but I could no longer stand being with her and the emptiness I felt. I could not stand the idea of being without my kids, but, I was even more afraid of taking action on the thoughts I was having.
I spent 2 years in counselling after the divorce, I learned a lot about me, just as important, I learned how to evaluate my emotions, a new look at my childhood and how it was impacting me as an adult and how those feelings were impacting my life and actions.
It may have helped had I sought counseling on my own, but, it is something that has passed long ago and it is pointless looking back, was it salvageable, I don't know, I had gotten to the point of seriously thinking of killing her to ease my loneliness and hurt of rejection. I was such a mess then, she filed for divorce on me, I just needed to get out and I did. There was no support then like now, I could not bring myself to talk to anyone and I was starting to do things I was ashamed of again. The divorce was really a bad time, but in retrospect, there could be no other solution, the path ended best for all, I still feel it was one of the great failures in my life even 30 years later, but it was needed.
After 10 years I met the woman I am with now, we have known each other 24 years, and have been married 22 this year, kids are out of the house, she wanted to pursue her career and she is. We have been living apart of the last 18 months due to her job, and it might be hard to understand, but even only seeing each other once a month, I don't feel lonely, I don't feel as alone as I did in that first marriage.
I found out later what caused the change, after the first kid, she found out she didn't want them, so she lied about not being able to have anymore. Then she got pregnant with the second. I had always joked I wanted a dozen. The second was born with issues and took some serious effort to help him along. I was doing all the night feedings, and when I caught her shoving a wash cloth down the daughters throat, I was always the one to get up with them, I just took it as her being overly tired. Then things continued to get worse, she thought the sons birth issues were a punishment from god for lying. We made it another 6 years after this before I had to leave.

I gotta agree with Baz. If you've already done the rigamarole of counseling and other forms of "marriage therapy" but still find yourself stuck in a SM, then your choices are before you.

1. Stay and endure.
2. Stay and cheat.
3. Leave.

I know it seems cut and dry, and when I first got here, I was a little taken aback by the suggestions being presented so cavalierly. I'm on the last legs of "stay and try to fix" and well on my way toward the more robust remedies.

Good luck on a tough journey!

Based on the level of work you put in via counselling and all - with no improvement in the dynamic - it is reasonable to assume your marriage is ****** as a marriage.

That of course does NOT mean you have to part ways.

It would do you no harm at all to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction simply to find out how a divorce would shake out for you, theoretically. See, whether you choose tomorrow to stay (like you have chosen today) or to leave (which you may choose at a future time) you need to make a completely INFORMED choice. And to do that, you need information.

You don't have to research living in a dysfunctional marriage because you have a wealth of experience in that situation - indeed you are IN that situation. But you haven't, yet, fully researched the alternative. And you need to do that, otherwise you are choosing to stay on an UNINFORMED basis.

If you could wear the likely financial and co-parenting issues - in other words staying as an involved and loving co-parent, not living in destitution, but living your own authentic life, would you consider it ? It may be far more a realistic option than you might today think. Get informed.

Tread your own path.

I take it marriage counselor only?

I am a believer in know yourself better through individual therapy and spouse as well.

I am co dependent and my wife is highly passive aggressive.

Google passive aggressive wife and co dependent husband relationship and there is a very interesting read done by warrior poet on the EP link.

In therapy I learn who I am and the wife does also and then I searched the above mentioned and it has been downhill since. I need out and I see more of the dysfunctional crap going on by the minute!

We learned this dysfunctional personalities from our parents.

Have you thought about what you both are teaching your children indirectly?

Take a look at fam. Are they dysfunctional , drugs, alcohol, abuse? How do they interact?

My ex and her fam just hit each other and called each other names when they greeted each other.

No affection at all.

What about that solid hug and embrace when greeting family.

Kids tell the difference and mimic what they know.

You could try what I am thinking about. For a x mas gift I think I am going to ask my wife for a Fleshlight and tell her I want to be the last one to open my gift after she and her fam opens there's!

Good luck man this **** it hard. I am sure you can find some good friends on here to vent and share this life with..

Welcome to the group. I understand, and so does everyone else here. This is a journey - and it needs sign posts if you are to end up in a good place. There are many "sign posts" here - hard won knowledge that is reflected in the stories and forum posts.

Read widely, contribute yourself, and learn as much as you can about Sexless Marriage. That way you can make informed choices about your own future.

Hi, Catch. I am new here as well. Have you been reading before you joined and posted? I was hopeless a couple days ago, but now I feel hope. Not for my marriage, but for me, anyway. Stick around. Thanks for sharing with us. You are not alone.