My Sexless Marriage Makes Me Sad

I've been a member for just a few days and reading the posts makes me know I'm not alone. It's so good to know that I'm not the only one. My husband is not interested in me physically at all. It's weird and extremely hurtful and makes no sense. I work hard at staying WHP and I know I dress nicely and for the most part look good. My girlfriends get tired of sex and when I've stated that we never ever do, the first question they ask is if he's gay. Nope, just no sex drive whatsoever. If he were gay, it would be so much easier to understand. It doesn't sound like anything I'm saying is new to any of you. We're all living it. Thanks to all of you for sharing.
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9 Responses Nov 30, 2012

Just joined and read your post and I could have written it myself. I know no one who is experiencing this in their marriage. I hope to get some support here maybe.

i totally understand as well. i have been married for 26 yrs and the sex has gotten fewer and farther between over the yrs. we made love 3 times in the last 9 yrs. recently our marriage was threatened (no infidelity) but it made him realize what his life would be w/out me. in 2 months we've made love over a dozen times! will it last? i dont know, but i explained that the tenderness and affection when it comes to love making validates me and makes me feel loved, like a woman (not a mom), wanted and attractive. i hope he will remember those long talks we had about my feelings and wont change back to his old ways.

Welcome, Sally...we're sorry you have to be here. Even if you say things that many of us have heard before, we still encourage you to say them...because you need to. We know it's a process and are here to help you through it, as others were here for us when we first arrived. Read and participate; you will get as much out of being here as you put into it...

Welcome go the group. The simple answer that most of us face is that our partner isn't "in love" with us any more. They may still want you or need you, but the passion is gone. Sleeping with you loses its interest, So they do the bare minimum go appease you. Unfortunately, the odds of turning this condition around are slim. Read the other stories here. There is much wisdom in the collection of experiences.

"If he were gay, it would be so much easier to understand"

I gather that what you mean by this is really - "if I knew there was no hope of things changing then my choice would be way clearer"

Read on. You will find in theses pages that whatever the "why" might be for an intimacy averse spouse (gayness, or other reason of your choice) there is no hope of any sustainable change.

In reality, you choice is a simple as it would be if he was gay.

Tread your own path.

I so badly want to find out that DH is gay...but I have no evidence or reason to think this except for 17 years without having intercourse with him. Though, he does love to watch Glee...

You know it's either a physical issue or mental.

Take a look at his fam. Are they dysfunctional, drugs, alcohol , abuse?

Moms and dads cause a lot of issues not knowing.

My wife's parents did not display healthy intimacy in front of the girls. They think they know what love is because we say it every opportunity that they have . How ever when mom hugs the daughter there is this don't hug me so tight, or embrace me, of all things just a ever so slight peck on the lips for a kiss.

These a are just a few examples of what is missing in affection.

My ex wife's fam just punch each other and say what up *****! Absolutely no affection.

Why does the spouse show it at first? Well it's new and exciting and it is a Prozac for their problems, years roll by and then the Prozac wears off and rather than learning why they have issues they just withdraw from the problem because it is the easiest thing for them .

They have us where they want us

If you take the time to get into therapy yourself and try and influence your H to do the same you both will come to a point where you both will recognize the problem.

Will it get you laid? Well just maybe.

It is not working for me so well, other than some damage control sex.

Once you get your answers it will give you the right tools to make choices.

In my case I divorced my first wife to only end up in another dysfunctional relationship. Why?

In therapy I learned that I am co dependent. That's why I am here in this relationship. As I work on my self I become more aware of the wrong that is going on here. It won't last much longer. And of al things I will not make another bad pic!

If you have children, you really need to get to work. They will repeat all you both set examples of.

Good luck, you are in a good place here!

The both of you were drawn together for some reason.

Most likely from childhood experience.

Know yourself and prevent a future of more of the same.

Sorry to hear but it's not all about where we came from, that's just good info to get our future going in the direction that we wish.

Welcome to the group.
Same boat here. I have asked myself if my husb could have gay feelings and due to religion and the way he was raised he cant accept it... I even asked that to him once and he got very mad... I guess we need to stop trying to understand them and start understanding our selfs and why we stay...I've come to the conclusion there is no fix. Just need the courage...

Take care my friend.

I welcome you to the Forum that no-one wants to belong to! There are many of us here who understand exactly what you are going through. I encourage you to read widely here and participate fully. That will helpyou learn much about the condition of Sexless Marriage. And you can then make informed decisions about your own future.

Have tried looking for it outside marriage?

Sally, don't rush into an outside relationship without considering the consequences. I have NO moral point here - just practical ones! Please read my story "Outsourcing your needs" if you are seriously considering this option.