Any Clever Responses?

Yesterday the H and I had a nice lunch date. Afterward, it was time to get the children from school. We sat in the car talking while waiting on school to let out. As we're talking, he begins to rub the inside of my thigh even inching toward "home plate". I thought, "Seriously? He can't be doing this when he is not going to follow through." I considered smacking his hand away and saying, "Don't do that unless you mean it!" The children were coming then, so I bit my tongue. Is this PA that I hear people talking about? There have been some other comments/incidents that I shared with some privately including him asking me how was he supposed to get turned on when he never sees me naked. So I obliged one morning while getting dressed.....NOT!

Anyway, does anybody have any clever comebacks or responses if he tries something like this again?
pamelamc pamelamc
41-45, F
6 Responses Nov 30, 2012

How about... You know, you're looking for something YOU can do, but this likely isn't your problem.

How about trying to "continue", "remain", "Abide"... maybe on your part all you CAN do is love him, be available to him, be vulnerable to him (trust God to work through the issue, and continue to put yourself out there...), and pray for him?

For us, the turnover happened when my wife randomly came to me and said "I've decided to sleep naked every night. That doesn't mean we're going to have sex, or that you have to do anything. It just means that I'm going to sleep naked, and that I'm going to be sexually available to you in that way." For us, that was the beginning of our recovery.

Just lean over towards him and give him a sexy kiss and tell him that you love him like crazy! Then ask him if he can continue later in the evening when you won't have any interruptions and specify the time. :>)

So lack of romance. Where is your leading skill at time like this ! a low moan and and say: " nooooo, don't make my thing wet for nothing". It's the same saying, but is a turn on. He will "get" you for that.

He may have ED so test him with some C i a l i s 5mg or 10 mg

Perhaps consider saying something BEFORE this happens again? Something like:

"You and I both know you have NO intention of making love to me. And we both know that this is the cause of great pain for me. Making suggestive movements as you did in the car is very cruel. You pretend you are going to initiate sex, but you do it at a time when sex would be impossible. And we both know it will not take place when the time IS right. I am not sure why you feel this need to hurt and humiliate me, but it does not reflect well on you as a person."

Pammy, I could give you 000's of smart arse remarks to make, drawn from my own experience. There were some absolute show stoppers I came out with from time to time.

They succeeded brilliantly - in driving the relationship further into the ditch, and for the last 6 years of my dysfunctional marriage I desisted from this useless (although sometimes hilairiously funny) practice.

Best not to engage in these games, at all.

Reclaim your sexual autonomy. Adopt a position that recognises that as far as your need for sexual expression goes, he has made himself redundant.

And that deadline you gave him to get his head out of his arse is now only 30 days away.

Tread your own path.

Here's the thing 16. My responses were rarely ever "blurted out". Rather, they were calculated and constructed to inflict reprisal hurt. And, I demeaned myself by so doing. I ain't going back there.

Well, just one then !!
Scenario - I have been counter refusing for a while. One night, she comes to my bed and stands there naked. She makes an imperceptible inclination of her head toward her groin. The invitation is unmistakable.
"Thought that would have healed over from dis-use by now" I say cleverly, and roll over to go to sleep.

Oh Bazz, That was a doozie, I know my deadline is coming up, and I think I'm beginning to chicken out Arrrgh! I was messaging with a nice lady who left her SM. She said she knew it was over when she no longer wanted him to touch her and would have become the refuser had he initiated. I'm not to that point. We're talking therapy now.

88, you crack me up!!! ROFL!

I have to say, 88, that's an absolutely brilliant and eloquent warning to Pam... It's hard NOT to concur with that passionate and, unfortunately, generally very accurate portrayal or a "refuser."

2 More Responses

Often, "Refusers" do this to keep people like you (and me) emotionally dependent, hoping, hanging on. They KNOW they won't have to follow through, but they also KNOW that you are so hungry for their touch, for intimacy, that just that little bit will keep you going for weeks, maybe months more. At the same time, it will so mess with your head that you will be "off-balance" mentally and emotionally -- and they will have "the upper hand" in any relational discussions, conflicts or issues.

As far as "comebacks," the only one I've ever found to be of any use is the blunt, "don't do that unless you intend to see it through when we get home," or something to that effect. Without fail, that ALWAYS has STOPPED my "Refuser" cold, and sometimes it has angered her. Not because she wanted to be intimate with me (hardly EVER did it even occur to her to even make that claim) but because she she knew she couldn't MANIPULATE me. Other times, she just shrugged, and stopped. Either way, you free yourself from the emotional manipulation.....

One other thing -- I don't remember in well over a decade that my "Refuser" EVER kept going and DID "see it through" later. Not under the type of circumstances you describe. You just have to determine in your own heart and mind you're not going to be emotionally manipulated anymore.

I sure didn't let it manipulare me. I knew he wouldn't follow through later. Thanks.