I Took A Big Step Today

I found a DR. in the area who does M counseling and is also a sex therapist. I called to get an appointment but she wants to see us both first. I was kinda hoping to tell my story and then both of us go in but it does not work that way there. Now I have two weeks to figure out how to bring this up to the wife. I have a feeling their will be shock and anger and tears but something has got to happen now. If she won't go I will go by myself damn it.
OK After some thought, I will make this appointment for only me. Maybe I can work on me first and then us.
epiphone epiphone
46-50, M
6 Responses Nov 30, 2012

Agree 100% with those who say this is currently a step too far. First, see an individual therapist for yourself. Tell your wife you need to go as you have been feeling depressed lately. (I have no doubt this is the TRUTH!)

Once you have worked through your own "stuff", discuss with your therapist the wisdom (or otherwise) of seeking marital and / or sex therapy. I'm thinking you might find your answers do NOT include this final step . . . .

If she loves you she will go with you. But we think you should tie her up, blindfold her and just let her feel. Don't make is sexual, just caress and touch and love her body, everywhere except the places you long to touch. You will have to be very in tune to her. Take it slow and watch her. If she is getting turned on you will know. There is something about losing control and not being responsible to what is happening that can be very freeing. It might be worth a try. She will probably be pissed at first, so try to listen, but gently reassure her that you would NEVER hurt her, that you love her and that you cherish all of her.

OMG! You two have absolutely NO idea of the dynamics of sexless marriage. I hope no-one ever lets either of you loose in a munitions factory either!!

1hotcouple, I thought you were kidding when I started reading your post. Then I realized you honestly thought this is a viable strategy. I do not think there needs to be any more confused emotions brought into a sexless marriage than already exist. You two are on a totally different path than any of the ILIASM members.

Wow! Reading your post gave me an erection!

Enna - 1st let me make the point that my wife is the one who posted that comment, with my support. It is noteworthy that she is the one in our marriage that I suppose would be referred to as " The Refuser" ( I don't care for that term, but it's one that most here will understand )

It is wrong for you to assume we know nothing about the dynamics of a sexless marriage as we lived in one for many, many years.

I know what it's like to be the one wondering what was wrong. I felt the confusion. The pain. The loneliness. The depression. The anger. I have been the guy that laid awake in bed sobbing because I was afraid to even touch my wife for fear of rejection. I have experienced the sadness after our twice annual sex because I knew it would be months and months of waiting until I could feel that closeness again.

So, to some, our suggestion may have seemed like it came from people who couldn't relate to you, but it's only because we can relate so well, that we feel qualified to make such a suggestion. Does our suggestion seem outlandish? Perhaps, but it is no more outlandish than than giving up completely, and throwing away a love that many people only dream of. 1 that has so many wonderful dimensions, sex only being one of them.

My wife has written a story about what she experienced as the one who had no sexual desire, and some of the things that she experienced that helped re-awaken her sexual desires ( which includes surrendering some control sexually ). ( For some reason the story isn't posting !!! )

I will also be writing about my journey through our relationship. How I coped. Why I coped. Some of the things i am doing now to to foster a consistently satisfying sex life for both of us. We both had and continue to have roles to play in making this work.

So....at the end of the day, because we have made it through a sexless marriage and achieved the results almost everyone in this group is wanting/needing to achieve, I don't think our suggestions should be so quickly dismissed.

We don't have all the answers, and everyone's relationship is different. For some here, there is no hope, but others CAN turn it around. The odds may not be great, but if we can help one couple experience what we're experiencing....it's well woth it.

To Kelki, I don't know that it's possible for emotions to be any more confused than they already are in a sexless marriage. In fact, following our suggestion ( or some variation of it ), may just clarify things. We can't know until we try...and what's the alternative?

Ray - our comment did not come from a fictional place. This is our REALITY.

Petrushka - I have no idea what your referencing.

And to Epiphone, so sorry. We didn't mean to hijack your thread or give you an unwanted erection.


1 More Response

Yea baz has it right. You need to take care of yourself in a big way. She needs to do the same. At some point marriage counseling then. Just hope you don't have the dirty job that I have!

Personally, I still reckon individual therapy for YOU is the way to go, based on this, and your other, story.

It seems highly likely that your future is going to involve a whole heap of things that don't include your present missus.

Tread your own path.

You gotta do what you gotta do. All the best to you.

Best of luck to you!