The Logic Of A Time Warp?

Maybe I'm really slow. No, I must be. It takes me too long to dissect BS.
The releases this week are that it is my fault he doesn't care and it is my fault he lies to be mean,

++No. 1 quote "What can I do to make you happy? That's all I've ever tried to do was make you happy. So when your not happy, I just get so angry, so upset. That's why I call you _____ , or accuse you of ____, or whatever!"

++No. 2 quote "You know, you brought this on yourself when you said I didn't care about you. You said it so many times, well, that's what you get."

Two months ago when he said both of these, it just became so apparent that when I didn't yell or argue, he continued on to tell me that I make everything complicated. I chuckled. "Not me", I said, "And I can prove it." After waiting for his "How?" I repeated back what I understood he said. "If someone you profess to love says they don't feel you care about them, that is the justification for not caring? If you say you want to make me happy & I complain about something you do or don't do, then that is reason to attack me?"
He then got really mean. I asked him why? What was the purpose? Did he have a goal here?

He threatens to kill himself. "I should just kill myself!" or "I wish I had a gun so I could swallow a bullet as the ultimate **** you!" then, "To get along!" he quietly adds.
"Why do you lie?" I ask
"I don't." he declares.

Then there is the nonsense, me repeating a half dozen recent lies, my favorite - "You don't do ****", is always recent.
"I just say that 'cause I'm mad." or "because you hurt my feelings.". Then the irony that is his cheerful "Good night, I'll see you in the morning." as he goes to 'his' room.
I slough off the fury in my soul & ask "Would you just think about it? Think about why you would say these things, Why? What did you want to happen?"

It doesn't translate well - that 99 times he gets the same knee jerk reaction out of me & this 100th time it is completely different - his intention was to get me upset so that he could continue to the next 'comments': "You're insane." "You're lucky I'm not a violent man" &/or "I can see why your father beat you."** finishing with "This is abuse."   But this time was different - it didn't go that far.  This time I didn't let go of the starting point losing all sense of intention or sense..
Usually, he says A, I say B - then he claims to have said A because I said B. I call it the time warp.

**& other things i shared with him privately/my secrets/shame.
NoWife NoWife
56-60, F
4 Responses Nov 30, 2012

Wow. Time warp. I get that too. Revisionist historian is what I call it. She's got a lot of guts doing it to me, though. I have a photographic memory.
The not-caring comment though... I recommend examining this one internally. My wife uses that accusation to try to control me because she knows I have a lot of self-worth tied up in how much I care. The other day we were giving some parental guidance, and I made a statement to my daughter designed to show her I relate to her trouble. My wife threw me an eye-dagger and said "this is about her. Not you," a very short battle ensued, I didn't want it so I fled to the kitchen to cool down and get some dishes done. She loudly told my dautger "we could finish the discussion if your father comes back but I guess he DOESN'T CARE."
When she makes that remark it makes me want to just skin myself alive. she's dragging me back into an abusive situation when I'm trying to make a peaceful retreat.
I'm not saying your situation Is the same. I'm just pointing out that this is a very hurtful comment to throw. I recommend not throwing it at him but trying to draw him into a mature discussion about this feeling. I get the sense though your marriage has already passed the point where this is possible. I'm so sorry you are feeling this pain.

I appreciate all that you've said. My comment wasn't 'thrown' at him, though I know what you mean. No, it was a long time ago when it was starting to dawn on me that maybe he wasn't in love with me... It was a very careful conversation, where I said that some of these things he did made me feel like he didn't care about me. He is the one who brings it up constantly as his reason for not caring - because I said it 1st & that's what made him stop caring. There is no such thing as a serious mature discussion here with him.
And yes, it is past the point. I just need to step up to that - but I am scared all the same.

does he drink by any chance ? he sounds like a practicing alcoholic

...He does, doesn't he?
Though some people can be this crappy without resorting to substances...they are just super-special...*barf*

Nope, he doesn't drink at all.

That IS abuse-he's abusing you.<br />
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<br />
He's not hitting you, but he might as well be.<br />
Also noting he's financially abusive.

OMFG. Just read two articles in that link. I gotta get the hell outta here.

Dysfunctional marriages **** with your head, get you thinking weird ****, get you making uninformed choices.

Here, it appears, all your focus is on Mr Nutso and his various issues and behaviours. About which you can do precisely NOTHING.

None of your focus seems to be on you, your aspirations, your future, indeed whether you future would include him in any way.

Incidently, next time he plays the self harm card, call your local emergency services there and then. He can do the explaining when they turn up. It will stop that bullshit dead in its tracks. And, in the unlikely event that he is being truthful, you'll have done him a favour.

Meantime, it would appear a good idea to focus your attention on YOU.

Tread your own path.

Thanks. Last time I did tell him that I would call the police. That toned it down. For the record he is "the nicest guy in the world" ask anyone who knows him. I am &amp; have been in serious trouble about me. I don't even know how to start thinking about me anymore. Lame as it sounds, this is what I am doing for me - getting it out.

Yeah, narcissists make efforts to appear to be good people. They are all about bright shiny surfaces...

dont tell him, just do it