1st Steps - Meeting and Moving In.

I want to tell my story. Really. I haven't talked to anyone about this & when I've tried a sort of insanity sets in. An overwhelming need to purge this toxicity is an enormous task. So I'll try baby-steps.

I'm glad to have found this place. Other sites seemed extremely harsh and attacking. I get attacked enough - please, thank you.

Sometimes I'm torn between trying to talk about it or going to a psychic - so it's kinda funny that there is advertising for them here... lol.

We met in Feb of 1997 & it seemed great. We were both twice divorced with kids. My daughter was grown, his were 6 & 10 living with his ex. We seemed to want the same things, had similar interests. Sex was great & I was upfront that it was an important part of my life. We moved in together after dating exactly 1 year. That was a huge step for me because I ran a business from home. My clients were all men (manufacturing) which now felt awkward.

It got complicated fast. He had no money, it all went to CS. My best friend had a stroke & died in April. My father got sick & died on May 20, his father died suddenly just before midnight on June 20th. Then his best friend died in July. He's yelling at me why haven't I unpacked everything yet - but there was nowhere for me to put it & he was too busy to help.

Then his sister fawned all over me, "thank god! finally!" eventually I understood that she was no longer planning on babysitting his kids. Yep. Every other weekend & no end of drama with the ex. My business was suffering. I pretty much gave up sleep. Then the really weird stuff, he started going through my papers. He lost one of my checks. He made huge messes & said "pfft, you're home all day." After I told him that no magnets could be near my computer I returned home from a meeting to find a 4' level magnetically attached to the side of my pc.

He started mumbling, complaining that I'd taken over. He complained about sex, "Do we have to have sex every night? Can't we just sleep?" I laughed, "Yes, we do. You should tell your friends? Awh, poor you, having to have sex every night." He fought with me about painting, then told everyone it was his idea. He made plans without checking with me. He joked "what's mine is mine, what's your's is mine." Then he decides, with his new influx of money - me, to finish the attic. He hired a framer who showed up alone & all day long "could you hand me, hold this....." My work suffered more. But that day, the day he scheduled the attic - he left a pair of dirty underwear hanging at the front door entrance. When I complained that the guy was interfering with my job - he said "Don't help him. Maybe you should get a real job?" I'd say that was our 1st major fight. I'd run this business since 1991 & it was real. But it haunted me. His saying that. Now he is saying it every week at least.

He complained, and complained. About money, about his ex, about his life. Somehow I felt it was me. Like either I made it worse or I could fix it? We took little getaways and they were romantic and he was the guy I met & fell in love with. But when we returned home he became this morose whining slug. He'd play games, watch TV, sleep if he wasn't working, which he worked a lot. He is a teacher & a musician. So he was always gone on weekends & most holidays.

Backing up to when my dad died. I bought the tickets & booked the hotel room & rented the car. My dad died while we were in flight. My sister had driven up to our house & traveled with us. My dad lived in a remote area, 6 hours by car from the nearest airport. The experience was bad enough, but me & my siblings had the additional shock that our stepmother had had everything converted to her name before dad died. We get nothing. The 5 of us just shouldered the shock & insult. We went to pick out the casket & tend to all the details of burial, which was all new to all of us. The day before the funeral he calls his kids & his ex demands that he return because it is his weekend. He reminds her that she had denied him visitation this weekend & that he was in another state attending a funeral. He left. My relatives drove him in the middle of the night & I paid the penalty fee for changing the flight. More shock, more insult. But he loves me & I love him. ?

When his dad died he knew everything to do, since he had just gone through that part. His family thought he was a hero.

(A few months later, my daughter got married. He didn't even want to go. His kids, you see. "You gotta understand!" he said. The birth of my 1st grandson - alone. 2 years later, when my baby brother died - nada. Alone.2nd & 3rd grandchild - same. Alone. By that time it was just a given that he did not participate in any personal aspects of my life.)



NoWife NoWife
56-60, F
5 Responses Nov 30, 2012

It's only the 1st steps, only the beginning of how I became enmeshed. I think it's important to someone - to me. By understanding the tangles, maybe I can unmesh. i am asking for some patience. Please? I am not quick, but I try to be accurate & thoughtful. Thank you all. I know you are trying to help.
jeez, they were right, maybe I really am a strange bird?

Having read the responses so far it brings me to ask: What is keeping you in this relationship?
You have your own business, you have your own links to your own children, you have your own home (not clear on that)? What do you need that you can't find elsewhere?
OR: Are you just afraid of admitting that after 3 tries this marriage has failed too?
(NO... I'm not trying to be hard on you... I just want you to think about it).
In my career I've seen many people continually 'pick' the wrong partner due to their upbringing - it's something weird about human psychology ... they pick a mate that matches the qualities of their opposite gender parent: You intimated that you were physically abused as a child.... think about this more.... go to someone to explore the possible (subconsciously) hidden impact this has on you.
There's no doubt in my mind that you are a very intelligent, communicative and able person.... you are just living in a place (your own mind) where you are denying your own potential.

i don't think you're being hard. I just never finished the story. Which was about his kids & how they ended up moving in with us having only been married only 4 months. That was the catch, that's my achilles. She threw them out, the boy was only 9. I wanted to leave, but the therapists (mine, the kids), the doctors, & now the kids themselves tell me I saved their lives.
I have been in therapy for years. I worked very hard to get myself to a great place. i used to take myself to the theatre, I was a volunteer for helplessness. I was happy within myself, confident, etc. But I was lonely & HE was me shooting myself in the ? soul.

<p>You are effectively crippled by this emotionally abusive relationship - to echo what Zsu and Hylie have said. I believe you will need the support of a professional third party (a Counsellor) to help you move past the accumulated effects of the last fifteen years of abuse.</p><p>He doesn't love YOU - he might love what you do for him, but he does not love you as a person. And I think any real love you had for him has long ago been suffocated out of you.</p><p>You are obviously well able to earn a good living for yourself. All the children are now adults. The binds that keep many people chained in such awful situations (kids, money) are not as important in your case.</p><p>Time NOW to set a goal for leaving and having a real LIFE for yourself. {{{hugs}}}</p>

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Now you have a better understanding of how it traps people.

You are also smart, self-sufficient, educated - all the things that contradict why you would be in this type of situation.

It is time to stat telling yourself the truth. It is time to get yourself some help. Look after YOURSELF. He WON'T and you know that. You WILL be getting to that stage of life where you need MOST support. He won't be there.

Do you want your kids coming to your funeral, and HE has changed evertyhing to HIS name? That WILL happen, and worse.

There is still time to get help, get out, restart. It can only go better if you do that.

Here is a list of support for abused individuals: http://help.experienceproject.com/customer/portal/articles/391568-what-if-another-member-or-myself-is-in-crisis-

This was very helpful, thanks

You have conclusively made the case that he is a neurotic parasite.

Now what ?

The burden of choice resides with you. Not him.

Tread your own path.

Interesting perspective, but that was in 97 &amp; I'm still with him. What does that say about me? I'm - shattered. I didn't see that at the time.
This is my 1st &amp; only attempt at telling the story &amp; this is only the beginning not how it became sexless, not why I stayed... not what it cost me, not in money. What it cost ME. I know I made the wrong decision. I know. But I am trying to use this as a catharsis. A catalyst. To write it down &amp; get it out in some fresh air - &amp; out of me.

They do that. It's the way they treat you like you're not important. It's the verbal abuse....It erodes you very effectively to be treated like that. Over time it cripples.