The Night Time Is Definitely Not The Right Time When You Are In A Sm

I'll share with you a story.. When my sexuality was reawakening I was a little afraid of driving. I would have fantasies of me sticking my head out of the window and asking guys if they had an hour or so... So go ahead and enjoy looking at that guy!! It means you are normal:)

I would think it would be torture to keep going to that fitness instructor.It is awesome that you are getting in phenomenal shape and that in itself is worth the torture of a fitness instructor that turns you on and you can't do anything about it.
I am in agreement with others on the adultery issues.Adultery ruins peoples souls,it affects most people for years and years.I always say it best to move on and then do what you want than to stay and do those things but it isn't my life and I am not the one that has to deal w/him day after day,night after night.
I wish you the best.

I have been receiving a lot of advise not to have an affair both up front and behind the scenes (unwanted emails). The most recent one below warns me not to "commit adultery."



I have been thinking on that one -- I won't commit adultery because I don't believe in it. I don't believe there is such a thing as a "mortal sin" such as adultery. At least, not in the way most portray it.



I believe sin is anything we do that goes against who we really are. Or, that takes away from being our "authentic selves." So in that way -- yes... committing adultery might be a sin to me. But not because I think I will go to hell. My "hell" will be what I create from my choices.. here on earth.



Ill transgressions I impose on another I am really imposing on myself because we are all connected. But, intentions matter.. matters of the heart.. that unseen force that drives us, and this is where things get complicated. It's when doing the wrong thing might not be wrong at all.........



That's how I see things anyway. It's okay if you don't. I am sure I will receive a lot of religious dogma speech from this. But, I have studied this stuff far and wide and have come to my own conclusions.



I may not be "committing adultery" but my husband is committing a few of the deadlies himself... "sloth".. "gluttony".... "covetting"......... so are you saying one is worse than the other??

He's a "good bloke". How do you leave a "good bloke ? It ain't as if he mentally manipulates me.

Next spouse - "He's an ok guy. He mentally manipulates me, but he is an ok guy. And he isn't verbally abusive. How do you leave an ok guy ?"

Next spouse - "He's a good provider. He is only verbally abusive some of the time, and in overall terms he is not a bad person. How do you leave a not a bad person ? At least he doesn't belt me."

Next spouse - "He only belts me when I have done something wrong and I deserve it. How can I leave someone who cares enough about me to help me think right ?"

Next spouse - " he only threatens to kill me and the kids when he is stressed. How can I leave someone who is always so stressed ?"

Sister AFTD. I am reading that by your judgement, he hasn't yet been a big enough arsehole to provoke you into leaving. So I'll pose the question - what does he need to do (or not do) to convince you this is going nowhere ?

Tread your own path.

Yet again, another woman writing my words. I just celebrated my birthday last week. He gave me one of those grandma kisses in the morning....really??? That was the extent. He gave me concert tickets as a gift to something that I'm really excited about. I thought. wow an actual date night but then he went on to tell me that I am taking our daughter to it. I was mad at first, but now I am just relieved. I won't have to pretend to be excited to be with him. This I am declaring now....that was my last birthday spent with him. Next year will be different. I am 2 years now from the big milestone and I too have BIG plans....a long awaited cruise with my best friend.

For 3 weeks leading up to my birthday, I cried myself to sleep every night. I kept thinking, I've wasted all these years...these good years while I have an incredible sex drive, while I feel pretty, while I feel adventurous and he has never joined me in that. Lost in my own fantasies and dreams of what could have been. Lost in the reality that soon I will be facing 40 and I haven't enjoyed my sexuality with my love....he has not embraced my sensuality.

Good lord, I feel for you... I know what that's like to be feeling so lonely, while they sleep, tossing and turning until I rip myself out of bed, so frustrated, pissed, hurt, etc... It's so very hard to stand.

This site, and all the advice, gave me the strength to lay it all out a few days ago, and this time, be completely honest about what lies at the end of this road. I let her know 'this is NOT love'... I don't know what it is, but I'm not happy, haven't been happy for quite a while and the end of this road we're traveling is divorce. I didn't whine, I decided I'm not going to ask (yet again) for her to express her love if she felt it....etc. The line was drawn, and this time I meant it (and she knew it).

I don't know if this will work out, but I know I've declared my independence if it doesn't.

Not sure if you've done this, but I think if it ever will 'work out', I think it's absolutely necessary.

Good luck, hon!

I almost never suggest a dvorce but if he can't see the pain your in then maybe you should look into it before you commit adultery

Am I correct in remembering that this was a "milestone" birthday for you? If so, double fail on his part and (hug) I am sorry you had to go through this.

Last year was a milestone birthday for me. He made breakfast infor me in the morning. Then, he made hot dogs (his favorite brand) for dinner instead of the lobster I had been promised, because he assumed I'd be too full from breakfast to want a nice dinner. He bought me a small cake, which had gotten mushed, and which I didn't bother to eat alone because he fell asleep in the recliner. I kept a picture of the mushed cake to remind me of the sorrow I felt.

This is a common refuser pattern...

A similar birthday to this made me leave - it took awhile, but it was what set the ball rolling. Think about your options - life's too short xx

"-everything is about making HIM comfortable and I don't feel any effort to reach my needs...
Wow, thanks for the moment of clarity! When we any sort of sexual relationship it was always about what she wouldn't do, wouldn't permit, didn't like...never about what I needed, wanted, desired. It has always been about her, her comfort...very interesting insight.
DB2

Happy Birthday, Awake.

I definitely can relate. The chiropractor who touches my back? The yoga instructor? The college professor who asks about my kids? The man in the subway who gives up his seat?

Everyone of them have been fantasized over ad nauseum. None acted on, because yea, middle aged crazy lady taking people's every day gestures as passionate exchanges!

In the light of the day --- Wow, what a long night. Longest night since last winter when I was going through these same emotions. It was like a battle of my soul. So many emotions.



You all know this has nothing to do with my birthday, right?



It's not about the gift (and I am not just a woman "saying" that.. lol). I found myself explaining like this to a friend -- Subway dinner cuddled up on the couch watching a movie -- GOLDEN. But ours was Subway dinner, separate chairs, watching tv. Add in the weird shoulder pet with the sentiment "happy birthday" in the morning (like you pet a dog) and the announcement nothing would be done -- it's just a bunch of little things that add up to the fact there is NO intimacy in this marriage. I did things for his birthday -- over the years, shall I compile the list? Little things that say, "hey -- I appreciate you and I know this is your day --" from grand parties to little home made parties with the two of us. I tried to bring some intimacy into some of those celebratiosn as well, I dont't have to tell you how those went, do i? (fail)



Anyway, this is just one little example. It's not even about expectations. It's just lack of connection. Lack of trust. Last night I didn't feel safe enough to do the one thing I most wanted to do - hold someone. And he was laying right there. I have been trained not to do it -- it's not something I am making up in my head. He shrugs me away in his sleep. In the morning he says he doens't remember doing that. And maybe it's true -- he's just not a night cuddler... groovy!! But I am. And as things sit ---everything is about making HIM comfortable and I don't feel any effort to reach my needs..........



I will just stop, or I will end up going around in circles........Through this all, I don't feel depressed or hopeless, just sharing out loud. In the morning light I have found my strength. I will carry on with my day. but I will NOT let myself be lulled into faking that this is right or okay for either of us, because it is not. Phew....... okay........ thanks again..........

"Funnily" enough, at the end, I got to a place where I came to view every day as special - the old Carpe Diem thing.

The good thing about this is that it kind-of got me over the hump of acting, gave me an urgency. I knew that it could not, would not continue, and the notion of the precious nature of time gave me the impetus so that it would happen not just in my lifetime but soon, with not a moment to waste.

The other good thing is that that is quite a nice way to live more generally.

It's a hard place to be in, AFTD. Just the idea of having to bargain with what would be just barely good enough to be passable on a birthday--who wants to have to feel that way? The reality is that any kind of token or action can carry the fullness of emotion that says,"I'm glad you were born and you are here to be my spouse!"

I remember all those birthdays that H could not do anything about because it feel during his beloved professional conference. Couldn't be bothered to create an alternate one to replace actually being present on said birthday. The occasional presents he picked up in the conference hotel which he clearly spent all of 5 minutes finding and purchasing on the fly, things that had nothing to do with what I might or might not like, bringing back like a hang-dog boy who might get in trouble with his mother if he didn't pick up his dirty laundry

We all deserve something on our birthdays that reinforces our connection to life, not the other way around.

Oh bummer. I am so sorry.

It usually gets me in the morning, waking up and feeling alone .....

{{{hugs}}}

I know that touch starved feeling. It's an even deeper starvation than sex starved. Messes with your mind, like sleep deprivation.

I felt like I was serving a life sentence, myself.

Your happiness is no less important than his.

You worry about his happiness...he doesn't seem to worry much about yours.