She Wasn't Ready For That

Tonight my previously non communicative wife wanted to talk. So we talked and everything was wonderful, not quite. We chatted for a while about some very basic things and I informed her I wasn't ready for her to ask me "how are you doing?". The conversation was precipitated by her recognition that I am not as talkative as I used to be. I asked her what the time frame for this assessment was and it was recent but also noting a 12 month trend. Recently I also told her that if there is tension between us or some such thing it would be her responsibility to get the conversation started as I was being the one to try to patch it up.

We've been married for 13 years now and she never really was communicative and in years past it was awful and she made no attempt to change. Now, she wants to start trying to open up to me and for us to have a good relationship and I told her that I have adapted to the environment she created. She acknowledged this but it's difficult for her to accept now that the tables have turned. Our evening ritual is for her to watch stupid TV programing while I go work in my home office after the kids go to bed.

She went to bed 30 min or so ago and she is steamed, welcome to my town wifey. How's it feel here. If you want things to change, you fix it, work for it for the first time in your life. See you in the morning dear.
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7 Responses Dec 1, 2012

Same thing I said to my husband 6 months ago: If you really still care for me and you want to work it out, you're gonna have to work for it. I'm bitter and I'm hurt and I'm angry. You're going to have to push through all that and keep trying. Trying consisted of a single act of physical affection, to which my response was to tense up and sternly ask him what was he doing? And while I do want to have sex again, we have to emotionally get to a place where we CAN have sex again. It's been so long since there was any physical contact that it feels foreign and awkward and uncomfortable now. And he still says he wants to work it out, but nothing has changed. He's been sleeping on the couch for 3 years.

Funny, I thought it was just me. Though my wife falls asleep on the couch watching the stupid t.v. while I work on the laptop, sip some wine and head up to bed by 10 p.m. Another empty night to add to the many, many, many before it.

It's a decades old ritual.

I used to make my own wine years ago. I might start that little hobby back up though the garage gets too cold in the winter. In the interim, I'll continue to write, read and walk... plenty of walking.

Reads like you have adopted a position of "counter refuser".

That ought hasten this on to its' final destination. If you are expecting that final destination to be her having an epiphany and joining you in a joint effort to remedy your dysfunctional marriage, you are in for a big let down.

Tread your own path.

Bazzar did not miss any nuance at all. And what if your wife does not take up the challenge?

Making lasting changes to one's self does create a change in the family system. In my marriage, the exact moment after I stop caring about something, H suddenly finds a way to do it, or another item that is meaningful to me. This dynamic tells me that he is unresponsive to my actual needs. Three days after I move into the guest bedroom, he at long last decides he has the energy to start working out, even though he's felt physically crappy for years, we have been paying for a gym membership for two years, I've offered to go with him, etc. etc. It's very much a "screw you" dynamic on his part. He would deny it, but it is so consistent it could be nothing else.

"How have you been?" How have I been?
You'd understand only if you were me.
So I'll stick to "I am fine", with the lame hope
that this entitles me to a little more of you.

" If you want things to change, you fix it, work for it for the first time in your life. "

Yeah, I've been trying that for about a year. Hope you have more luck than I! All I've got out of it was carpal tunnel from losing myself in the computer every night, like he does...

I dont think letting her go to bed mad was a good thing. But I hope she really got the point. are you making breakfast?

Emotional counter-refusal. Yeah...I recognize it...
You finally get what you've been absolutely aching for...and it just makes you angry.