The Real Reason Why I Am Still In My 11year Sexless Marriage..

When I was 17 barely 18, I met this guy who I was totally head over heels in love over! He was also much older than me and a player. I was much too naive.. He was my first love and first sex.Any way we had awesome sex all the time, but the relationship was an emotional roller coaster, he made me feel worthless, thats unless I gave him sex..By the time I was 19, I got pregnant. I wanted to be a mom so badly, because I loved this guy like crazy.. Anyway he was like we cant do this, and took me to his friend's medical center to get an abortion.
In my mind getting an abortion was like going to the lowest low, made me feel even worst about my self worth. I made him promise me that this would never happen again, if I even got pregnant again we would keep the baby..
We continued having mindblowing sex after that, until I was 21. He would discourage me to from any career related activities, he was always suspicious even though I was completely loyal to him. I would cook for him take it to his workplace, I was creative in the bed.. But the dynamics of our relationship werent equal..He treated me like I was stupid, he knew everything, called the shots on each and everything about my life, extremely controlling, I couldnt meet any friends I chose to, he tried to create distance between me and my family, he told me what clothes i can wear, which ones i cannot etc. My whole mindset at that time was, if he says it then its right, and what more can I do to please him, my self worth depended on it. after loving him so much, I actually saw his profile on one of the singles website..I was completely torn, hurt, and depressed. My happiness depended on how he treated me! I was upto a breaking point.
I fell really sick..I was admitted to the hospital, I was so weak, physically and emotionally..only to find out I was pregnant again. He again pressurized me to go with him to that same abortion place to get another abortion. But this time I was a zombie.. I just went with him, did whatever he commanded. I was at rock bottom, a worthless piece of nothing..
Everybody tried to tell me he was the wrong guy..in the meanwhile my best friend had decided to take matters in her own hand. She took some pics of me and posted them on one of the singles website. I was getting close to 100 responses a day. I took my profile off that website within a week.
Thats when I met this guy (my husband)..who was a complete contrast to my BF. His family knew my family, everyone was so thrilled. Everybody thought we were in love with each other. When his family saw me first I was still in the hospital, and they were still so impressed with me. What was bizzare was they actually took permission from the doctor to take me to a nearby venue to get me engaged with my husband. this was happening so fast, I told my dad how did u agree to that, and he said well I thought u already loved the guy.( maybe my dad was in a hurry trying to get my controlling BF off my back). Next day I was engaged! my husband dropped me off back at the hospital. our family decided when we were going to get married. and I barely knew the guy.. I just didnt know what was going on with my life, I had absolutely no control.. This is too emotional for me, I will finish the rest of the story later..
But this has something to do with why I am still with my husband. He treated me so well, helped me emerge, gave me a stable life, we had absolutely no fights in the last 11yrs I am married. There is no roller coaster. Just stability, security, respect, affection, encouragement, I finished my education, he finished his, I didnt have to serve anyone anymore, I didnt have to try to please anyone anymore, my life was free, it wasnt controlled. I could do whatever I want, and he still supports me in all my endeavors. My life went from zero to the best person I could be, it was completely turned around to the best life in terms of intellectual, emotional, material fulfillment. There was no time for sex. Just education, getting ahead, hard work, family, love and support, believing in each other, trust.. all that..Now I have everything that most women dream of..All of a sudden after getting where I needed to be, I realized hey all these years we forgot to have sex...In my previous relationship I had nothing except sex. In my marriage I have everything except sex..
uma1980 uma1980
31-35, F
5 Responses Dec 1, 2012

Reads like all the important choices in your life, you have allowed other people to make.

That is NOT a life enhancing strategy. And HERE, is where it has got you.

The time has well arrived for YOU to start making INFORMED choices, based on what is in your best interests.

Tread your own path.

Damn right, Mr B

<p>I was the stronger person because he was the weaker person. I used to wake up 6am in the morning and sleep 11pm in the night. All the time, doing all the chores, working my butt off, had to keep sending almost all my money to my mom who had stage 3 cancer,<br />
<br />
had to put up with his sometimes mean family, wouldnt even buy an apple if I felt like eating one, scrounging for every penny. Working on his self esteem, he would sit their with his books working on his phd, while I was getting ground day in and day out. Even working on his interviews, didnt have the courage to ask him to get a job because I didnt want to take away from his phd experience. And ofcourse no sex. Have died every single day...until God decided to be a little kinder..</p>

OMG you are done. You've repaid your debt now, more than completely.

You've been his maid, cook, bank, and slave for 11 years.

Time to start living. You are DONE!!!

OMG! Just so unreal when I even think about it!! GOD please give me ...I dont even know what should I ask God for?

I think God please come and shake me up.. I need to be free..give me the courage to start a new journey..

"He treated me so well, helped me emerge, gave me a stable life, we had absolutely no fights"

He MUST be getting SOMETHING out of this arrangement. WHY is he doing this?

also, I do NOT think that ambushing someone in the hospital, as he & his family were doing, is "treating someone well". You were AMBUSHED, you were still in shock, WTF???

Your story leaves out HIS motivations. I have a feeling you are maybe a "beard", a cover, for something your H is not willing to admit to?

Yes. You are right, his family did ambush me in a way, because he was getting rejected all the time. He had low self esteem, his family wanted to fix things for him. He was weak. the best thing that had happened to him was Me, but because he worshipped me so much I got that confidence to make it right for him and me. I had to work really hard on building him and myself.That is what made me strong. So I became strong because there was someone weaker than me? possibly..

Actually my own family ambushed me too, because they wanted to get my then BF off my back..

I dont know I was angry with everybody for a while for doing this to me. I was still in shock. But if this wouldnt have happened, then me getting married to my then BF was inevitable. I think back ,and as much as I love my BF, I would have been a depressed, nervous wreck, with no soul left...

I think back ,and as much as I loved my BF (past tense-- not anymore), I would have been a depressed, nervous wreck, with no soul left...

You cannot fix HIM. Sure, you can facilitate things by getting him to a counsellor, etc. But put a timeline on it - you do not owe him your ENTIRE LIFE waiting.

You can remain friends and NOT married and still help him out that way.

There's a third option. Your family could have spirited you away somewhere - rather than "marry you off". Family cottage retreat? Also, you could have snapped out of it on your own at some point!

"could have, would have should have".

I should stop with that. What's done is done, and I understand how everyone felt they were doing their best for you.

The question for you now is, is this how you want to live the rest of your life? You can offer some help to your H, but again, you cannot change him. He helped you out; I'd say equally you helped HIM out and HIS FAMILY out by agreeing to marry him when HE was down!

It's just about paid off now. Time to see if things will change or you will start again...

Oh Wow!! what you are saying is so true.. it just hits home!

I'd say equally you helped HIM out and HIS FAMILY out by agreeing to marry him when HE was down!

It's just about paid off now. Time to see if things will change or you will start again...

Makes a lot of sense! Gosh I need to get out of here, I need to get out of my own family's sight, I need to get out of his family's sight. I just need to be where I can clear all that smoke and think where I want to go..

You cannot fix HIM. Sure, you can facilitate things by getting him to a counsellor, etc. But put a timeline on it - you do not owe him your ENTIRE LIFE waiting.

Yes. This is so right too! 4 more weeks. I will be gone overseas for 6-8months after that. If he can fix himself before then.. if not, I can use the time apart, to think on my own..

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<p>I think this is what I am going to do:</p><p>1) Set him up with a female sex therapist.<br />
2) Set him up to counseling.<br />
3) Take him to the same urologist who had prescribed him the cialis, he said something about low testosterone level. </p><p>No more depressing thoughts........................<br />
I am going to be proactive about this and make him be proactive about it too................

This story made me think a little. It's almost like you've allowed other to push you in a direction that wasn't necessarily what you wanted or needed at the time. You never had the chance to get to know YOU and what you were all about. You eventually came into your own person and became pretty successful in your life. Now you're finally realizing what it is you're missing.

Thanks, this is why its difficult for me to leave my husband, he took me from rock bottom and helped me turn around..And now... what's next?

You've discovered who YOU are. That was a huge step. It sounds like you're discovering your voice. That's another huge step. I also see in one of your replies above about the steps you're going to be making your hubby take to improve. That's also a huge step.

I remember in a different post of yours that you said you were not attracted to him. Is it due to his low self esteem and lack of self confidence or is it a lack of physical attraction?

He just never felt like a man, just neutral.. I dont know ..maybe because of all those things you mentioned..

I am still discovering myself. I feel I have been lost in my circumstances. I dont know what God wants of me. Sometimes I feel I should just be a Buddhist monk and go to the Himalayas. I have tried to be everything for everybody. Just never got a chance to do anything for me..

I can actually relate to the thought of wanting to be a Buddhist monk. Just for a different reason than having to be everything for everybody. In my case, I got tired of having no voice and wanted to be left alone. Instead, I spent five years in therapy to find my voice.

I can understand him not feeling like a man if he has no self confidence and low self esteem. It makes perfect sense to me because as men, we're told we're supposed to be assertive and self confident. I think counseling will help him not only find his self confidence, he'll also find his voice again.

As a woman, it's likely you never found that lack of self confidence attractive to begin with. I think once he gains that back, once he gains his voice, you'll probably find him more attractive.

Yes, I want to be a Buddhist monk because I want to get away from it all! I dont want to be everything for everybody. Just circumstances made me do that! I want to have my own voice and my own peace. I want to start fresh. I want to get away from it all!!

lol.....I've had those days, believe me. I'm actually considering exploring Buddhism now, just for different reasons these days.

I hope your circumstances don't overwhelm you to the point where you really do try to get away from it all. All you can do is take it one day at a time.

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