I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Seperation / Divorce

By: maninfl

Written on December 1st, 2012

PLEASE, do this before taking on a lover, especially if kids are involved. Your kids will never forgive you if you dont.

By: maninfl

Age: 70+ , Male

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15 responses

LadyAnalyzer

I have two kids...one of them...if I'd had an affair whlie sitll "in" my marriage...it would have changed the course of our relationship. She would have lost some measure of respect for me. I know this...and I didn't. She was angry when I immediately started dating and also tried to make sure I didn't have sex...but she got over herself. She understands.
I have a son who discovered the reason for the divorce because of an overheard conversation...and he actually asked me how do you stay married if you aren't having sex...isn't that kinda the point of being married? Doesn't that make you roommates? He was 16 when he had that little discussion with me. He would have forgiven me in a heartbeat and understood completely.
Kids are all different...situations are different..but here was the crux in my situation
I had spent years with my kids as the center of my universe - I substituted what was missing in my marriage...and I filled the loneliness and sadness by becoming so involved in their lives. They had expectations...and it didn't include being human.
through the divorce - and the ensuing drama - they have both accepted that i am human..and Mom...and so many other things. As I worked on my doormat issues - and they weren't allowed to walk on me anymore either - our relationship changed. It has been massive change.
But everything i did - I did from a place of love and they know that..partially because I tell them all the time....and it wasn't easy. there were many tears - many nights where I felt like I had totally ****** them and everything up - many days shrouded in dread...
But the silver lining to all of it is that you learn life goes on....that the fatalistic thinking that is a by-product of the mindfuck marriage isn't a life-long disease that has to be borne. You learn that "never" and "always" and "forever" are words that have been used against you - to guilt you - to create fear - to keep you in your box. When you let that go...your path gets easier.

Dec 2, 2012
2 likes
elkclan

OK, here's what an old boss once told me. "A ********* priest can be a great priest. Good at giving sermons, maybe a great fundraiser and community leader, even a great youth leader. But NONE of that matters because he failed at the one critical thing: not diddling the kids."You can be a great spouse. Understanding and forgiving for far too much. Being the 'good guy' all the time. Suffering from a sexually and emotionally distant or an abusive spouse. But if you're a cheater, then you've failed at one pretty critical thing - staying faithful. It's big'un. And in the eyes of children, they don't always see the subtlety. All they know is one parent wronged their other parent in a BIG way. Never mind the excuses. Never mind the back story. Never mind that you haven't had sex for three years.

Kids often see things in black and white. I still don't really forgive my mom for the way she ended her marriage. She waited until she was with someone else before ending it. She kept stringing my dad along for four years, living separate (thousands of miles apart) but unclear about whether they were separated. And then she was shocked when he was hurt and depressed by being dumped. And my dad was behaviour as a husband and father was pretty crap. He was a drunk and a scary drunk at that.

And I say this as an unrepentant cheater. Right now I couldn't give a toss if my husband found out. But I don't want my son to find out. But as my husband is unafraid to use my son to emotionally and verbally abuse me without worrying about the consequences to our son, I can't let him find out as he'd try to hurt me with it through my son.

Dec 2, 2012
1 like
hl42

There are far better discussions of the implications of having an affair than this guilt-inducing bad argument. Never, bah! If you think people don't think long & hard about the effect on the kids that all this has, you haven't read much here.
You also underestimate kids.

Dec 2, 2012
2 likes
bazzar

Scrub the catastrophic language, and terms like "never" "always" etc etc. Have a bit of faith in the resilience of people to adapt to new circumstances.
Tread your own path.

Dec 2, 2012
4 likes
- Awakeforthedance
  Okay, you said what I couldn't find the words to say. :)
  
  Dec 2, 2012
  1 like
zsuzsilowinger

"Your kids will never forgive you"
Nah. They'll never forgive me if I don't get them a DS for Xmas either.
What they'll never forgive is the FALLOUT from the DISCOVERY of an affair, i'm thinking, if handled improperly...
I agree that it's better to separate first, but kids also have a hard time with "mommy's new boyfriend", no matter what the circumstances. They also have a hard time with "home is always tense and mommy and daddy hate each other". Kids also have a hard time with "mommy and daddy don't live together".
Face it, kids have a hard time with everything. It's how you handle it all that counts.

Dec 1, 2012
3 likes
- Awakeforthedance
  I have a hard time with "mommy's new boyfriend" and I am almost 40.. lol.
  I agree -- it's all in how it is handled -- from ALL parties involved. Even the "cheated on" spouse.
  
  Dec 2, 2012
  1 like
Earthwalker4

All I know is...if I happen to meet the right one who can make me feel alive again, the intricacies will have to wait. Kids or no, I deserve to be happy. I have suffered entirely too long for them and for this broken life/farce.

Dec 1, 2012
1 like
- OmyTVC15
  As someone who has left a terrible marriage and did find someone before the divorce i have to agree. Part of me feels guilty but I also realize I put up with way too much for way too long. My son is also almost 18 and that makes a difference too. Is it harder on him? Yes it is but I was also an emotion wreck who wasn't going to wait for the divorce to start looking for someone. It has been complicated but I do not know if I could have made it this far without my new girlfriend.
  
  Dec 1, 2012
  1 like
iamalsokolya

I'll take it under advisement. Bonus points to whoever knows this line...
Problem is that every situation is different, every child is different. I'm not sure if you've been burned or if you're one of those people trying to scare people into fitting into your moral code. Eh...

Dec 1, 2012
3 likes
Awakeforthedance

If someone chooses to "never forgive" me or anyone else - that's on them not me. No matter what the "crime."

Dec 1, 2012
3 likes
- littleone7733
  Dear Awake,
  I understand your comment and agree, as it relates to adults. However, 6 yr olds, 8 yr olds, 9 yr olds are simply not able to comprehend that type of sentiment.
  To say it's on an 8 yr old and not you does not hold water. If I were to "never forgive" you, yes that would be on me.
  Then when someone so young is put in the middle of what their mother and father are doing, it further complicates things. Children don't understand, don't want to choose.
  When my ex and I were going through our divorce, she took our 3 children with her on weekends to her "lovers" house out of state. I thought they were returning back to our previous city so she could visit with friends for "help".
  Your'e right, it's on me that I haven't forgiven her for this, but one should include their children in something like this.
  Lastly, she doesn't understand many of the difficulties that still exist to this day, more than six years later, due to her choices that affected the children.
  Children's minds have not yet fully formed at such a young age (our children were 8, 6 & 4 as we went through our divorce). Children are not always able to "choose" things with their thoughts.
  
  Dec 1, 2012
  1 like
- OmyTVC15
  Little one,
  I will never forget the email I got from one of my wife's friends telling me what a mistake I made telling the "children" some detail about the divorce. My wife told me she never talked to any of her friends about anything. This of course makes no sense if one of her friends made this criticism. It also ignores the fact that the "children (17 and 21 at the time), had been begging me for years to "do something about mom". I did not speak ill about my wife. I did not need to. they know exactly how she behaves and why I need to divorce her. I only mentioned the amount of support she was asking for to explain why the divorce was taking so long. The facts are the facts and my younger son, who still lives with me might as well understand the situation as it effects how much money we have to live on.
  
  Dec 1, 2012
  1 like
- littleone7733
  Each circumstance is different. 21 is a full grown adult and 17 is obviously just a tad shy of 18 & basically ready to move out of the house. Mine were 8, 6 & 4 as we were going through our divorce.
  I'm not trying to judge anyone. Mostly what I didn't care for was the statement from Awake above that if someone chooses not to forgive them, it is on them.
  I don't like absolutes (always, never etc...). I don't feel a blanket statement can be made about it always being on the other person instead of the person who does something or makes certain comments.
  Again, each situation is unique. There is no one size fits all. The comment further above by Awake struck me as being a one size fits all comment and I disagree with those out of principle.
  
  Dec 1, 2012
  1 like
- OmyTVC15
  I wasn't really disagreeing with you it just triggered a memory that kind of proves you point, every situation is different. If my children were that young i would never tell them anything but with one who lives with me and is almost an adult it is very very different. I was very saddened by my wife's friend's interpretation of the situation. It was a very pat answer to a very complicated situation.
  
  Dec 2, 2012
  1 like
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