Seperation / Divorce

PLEASE, do this before taking on a lover, especially if kids are involved. Your kids will never forgive you if you dont.
maninfl maninfl
70+, M
7 Responses Dec 1, 2012

I have two of them...if I'd had an affair whlie sitll "in" my would have changed the course of our relationship. She would have lost some measure of respect for me. I know this...and I didn't. She was angry when I immediately started dating and also tried to make sure I didn't have sex...but she got over herself. She understands.

I have a son who discovered the reason for the divorce because of an overheard conversation...and he actually asked me how do you stay married if you aren't having sex...isn't that kinda the point of being married? Doesn't that make you roommates? He was 16 when he had that little discussion with me. He would have forgiven me in a heartbeat and understood completely.

Kids are all different...situations are different..but here was the crux in my situation

I had spent years with my kids as the center of my universe - I substituted what was missing in my marriage...and I filled the loneliness and sadness by becoming so involved in their lives. They had expectations...and it didn't include being human.

through the divorce - and the ensuing drama - they have both accepted that i am human..and Mom...and so many other things. As I worked on my doormat issues - and they weren't allowed to walk on me anymore either - our relationship changed. It has been massive change.

But everything i did - I did from a place of love and they know that..partially because I tell them all the time....and it wasn't easy. there were many tears - many nights where I felt like I had totally ****** them and everything up - many days shrouded in dread...

But the silver lining to all of it is that you learn life goes on....that the fatalistic thinking that is a by-product of the mindfuck marriage isn't a life-long disease that has to be borne. You learn that "never" and "always" and "forever" are words that have been used against you - to guilt you - to create fear - to keep you in your box. When you let that go...your path gets easier.

OK, here's what an old boss once told me. "A ********* priest can be a great priest. Good at giving sermons, maybe a great fundraiser and community leader, even a great youth leader. But NONE of that matters because he failed at the one critical thing: not diddling the kids."You can be a great spouse. Understanding and forgiving for far too much. Being the 'good guy' all the time. Suffering from a sexually and emotionally distant or an abusive spouse. But if you're a cheater, then you've failed at one pretty critical thing - staying faithful. It's big'un. And in the eyes of children, they don't always see the subtlety. All they know is one parent wronged their other parent in a BIG way. Never mind the excuses. Never mind the back story. Never mind that you haven't had sex for three years. <br />
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Kids often see things in black and white. I still don't really forgive my mom for the way she ended her marriage. She waited until she was with someone else before ending it. She kept stringing my dad along for four years, living separate (thousands of miles apart) but unclear about whether they were separated. And then she was shocked when he was hurt and depressed by being dumped. And my dad was behaviour as a husband and father was pretty crap. He was a drunk and a scary drunk at that.<br />
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And I say this as an unrepentant cheater. Right now I couldn't give a toss if my husband found out. But I don't want my son to find out. But as my husband is unafraid to use my son to emotionally and verbally abuse me without worrying about the consequences to our son, I can't let him find out as he'd try to hurt me with it through my son.

<p>There are far better discussions of the implications of having an affair than this guilt-inducing bad argument. Never, bah! If you think people don't think long & hard about the effect on the kids that all this has, you haven't read much here.</p><p>You also underestimate kids.</p>

Scrub the catastrophic language, and terms like "never" "always" etc etc. Have a bit of faith in the resilience of people to adapt to new circumstances.

Tread your own path.

"Your kids will never forgive you"

Nah. They'll never forgive me if I don't get them a DS for Xmas either.

What they'll never forgive is the FALLOUT from the DISCOVERY of an affair, i'm thinking, if handled improperly...

I agree that it's better to separate first, but kids also have a hard time with "mommy's new boyfriend", no matter what the circumstances. They also have a hard time with "home is always tense and mommy and daddy hate each other". Kids also have a hard time with "mommy and daddy don't live together".

Face it, kids have a hard time with everything. It's how you handle it all that counts.

All I know is...if I happen to meet the right one who can make me feel alive again, the intricacies will have to wait. Kids or no, I deserve to be happy. I have suffered entirely too long for them and for this broken life/farce.

As someone who has left a terrible marriage and did find someone before the divorce i have to agree. Part of me feels guilty but I also realize I put up with way too much for way too long. My son is also almost 18 and that makes a difference too. Is it harder on him? Yes it is but I was also an emotion wreck who wasn't going to wait for the divorce to start looking for someone. It has been complicated but I do not know if I could have made it this far without my new girlfriend.

I'll take it under advisement. Bonus points to whoever knows this line...

Problem is that every situation is different, every child is different. I'm not sure if you've been burned or if you're one of those people trying to scare people into fitting into your moral code. Eh...