Post

Why Does He Stay?

Today my head is swimming thoughts about why HE stays. I have spent a lot of time wondering why I stay, why I put up with it. But WHY does he stay. If he sees my pain, knows I'm hurting, can't or won't fix it why doesn't he let me go? Why doesn't he do the most loving thing....release me so that I can move on. Why do I have to be the one to leave and end this??? He can't ENJOY seeing me pain....can he?
nutmeg99 nutmeg99 36-40, F 14 Responses Dec 1, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

I would love to have this question answered. Especially after hearing how mad she is at me for being so negative and cynical! I asked the question directly and I'm still waiting...

When I once put to my husband the perception that he would rather drift far enough away to be ripe for an affair rather than tell me he missed me in the evening, he balked and could not believe that I would think he would ever stray. He said, "I LOVE my commitment to you!" So for my situation, there you have it. He loves the idea of being married and monogamous. I can trust that. What he doesn't exactly love is me.

I don't think they realise it. But yes, I think they enjoy our pain a bit.

In the end, does this 'why' really matter? It works for your refuser and it does not for you.

True. Thank you.

There are many many reasons we can find not to do what needs to be done.

Transmitting the responsibility onto the errant spouse is but one of them.

Put on your big girl panties if you want to put an end to this - because he ain't gonna.

Tread your own path.

I know. I am. My plan is in place. There is no turning back. I still have feelings to vent and anger to hold but believe me....this place, this safe haven of EP has helped me more in the last week than all 13 years of my marriage. The void is starting to close and I have all of you to thank. It is a long, bumpy road and I have a lot to do but I am done. I am moving on. Thank you.

They also don't consider your pain to be legitimate. It's not a real problem, you just need to stop being a pervert and get over it already.

LOL. He has used some of those words....not exact but close.

Because they care more about themselves than the partner they vowed to love, honour and support for the rest of their lives. They will doall the optics things to make the rest of the world think they are doing and contributing to the marriage...........but they will sit (or lie) idle as you weep at night, unwilling to put someone else before them.
Their refusing has no affect on them, because they chose it. The affect it has on us is immaterial.It doesn't affect them, so why would they make a change to their lives.

Ask yourself this...why would he NOT want to be married to you?
Stop looking at these dynamics through your eyes and see them through his...he has no incentive to depart an obvious comfortable life.

Your pain? He does not see it...the only thing that will get his attention is for his comfort level to be disturbed.

Thank you!!! Great point...I really appreciate the thoughts. I feel stronger each day.

I wonder the same thing about my husband DAILY. I think I have it mostly figured out: In my case, he is partially disabled (don't feel sorry for him, he can still do everything a normal person can he just has to do it at his own pace, Dr. said so) and lazy and I am a convenient live-in, (arguably cute) maid, cook, babysitter and sounding board. I'm bloody sick of it is all, where is the lover I married? Gone to never return it seems, replaced by Jabba the Hutt or consumed by him one...

When I figure that part out, I'll share with the class.

OMG nutmeg you are so reading my thoughts. Why not just let me go?

Nutmeg, Zsu is 100% correct. He stays because, for him, the relationship works. All the things you bring to the table (love, companionship, housework, money, etc.) are valued and appreciated by him. The only 'fly in the ointment' (from his viewpoint) is that you want sex as well. Well, he can control that annoying factor - he doesn't participate!

The point you make about seeing you in pain and not being compassionate is at the root of the matter IMO. On ILIASM we often hear newbies say "Everything in the marriage is perfect but the sex". But in each and every case, the spouse (male or female) is doing exactly what your spouse is doing. Ignoring the fact that their behaviour inflicts pain and suffering on their spouse. Calmly watching the person they supposedly love most in the world in distress without raising a finger (or anything else - ahem!) to do anything about that pain.

And it is impossible to look at such hard hearted, selfish, un-empathic behaviour without realising that THIS is a serious problem in the marriage too. With-holding sex when you KNOW your partner suffers as a result AND refusing to do anything about that suffering is why these marriages are dysfunctional and (almost always) irrepairable.

My husband I have realized stays because I am his therapist and his self esteem,he thinks everything is normal so long as I am here with him, and he needs the happily married status..

I've asked my husband this exact question. He rationalizes away my pain because "he's hurting too."

Only he's not hurting for the same reason. His pain is caused by panic over a possible loss of control. A strangling fear that his carefully balanced house of cards is crashing down around the fairy-tale. His manhood being ******** away with the loss of his "happily married" status among friends and family.

His pain = infinitely greater importance than your pain. Never forget that truth.

Because he is getting what he wants out of the relationship, that's why.