"what A Dump!"

"I'll admit I may have seen better days, but I'm still not to be had for the price of a cocktail, like a salted peanut." -Bette Davis in "All About Eve".

No, I haven't found my path on EP but have been reminded of my own minimum requirements. I have recovered a valuable certainty as to which directions are unacceptable in my yet unknown journey.

I will not fish for validation on EP to support a decision to start another relationship before ending the one I'm in.

I will not be turning away from the reality that rejection is a two-way street. I accept I will always own a piece of my relationship failure.

I will not panic and accept crumbs of physical affection from a position of desperation rather than one of desire and appreciation.

I refuse to reduce myself to a member in a genitalia relationship.

I will not use others as living-breathing ************ aids to validate myself.

I reject days, weeks, months, years of continued emptied numbness.

I refuse to continue rewriting my role in his self imposed guilt saga where only selfish people expect or desire sex.

I will not listen to another round of tears and excuses as to why it's not his fault.

Finally, no more apologies because frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
PocoSostenuto7 PocoSostenuto7
56-60, F
5 Responses Dec 1, 2012

Ok, so you're done.

Yes. Have been for a while. Full ego assault in progress for the past 3 months. Weekly non-emotional discussion of his abuse and perverted lifestyle choices and its affect. His every tender spot and weakness I've observed over the past 22 years repeatedly reviewed at random. No escape permitted. Stripping him to the bone.

He is in full panic/dissonance mode. Started therapy again. Is going to start testosterone supplements. Reminds me that the problem is between his ears. I remind him it's nothing a bullet can't resolve. He mentions that he's almost 60 and hasn't a lot of time left. I suggest he please hurry up and die so I can get a living husband without sexual hangups.

He crawled into my bed today. Unlike previous attempts at reset sex he did not once whine or complain about how unfair I was being to him (and used none of his standard repertoire of why it's my fault.). Had over 3 hours of very nice sex.

Well, does sound like the guy's putting some effort in there...

I reject days, weeks, months, years of continued emptied numbness

gypsy... how have you been proactive in not feeling rejected?

There isn't a one-to-one replacement for a healthy physical relationship. What helped tremendously in getting my 'groove' back was taking up the piano and also getting back into shape. Filling your life with something you've always loved but have never before been able to include is almost like finding a lover. Now it doesn't matter so much when his affection is withheld because my music is always available.

They are as good a set of principles to conduct yourself by in a dysfunctional marriage as I have seen articulated in many a day.

Rated UP !!

Tread your own path.

Owning your own stuff is invaluable. Seeking to do things your own way is healthy and pro-active. Be kind to yourself and others as you take this journey - and you cannot go wrong!! Good luck!!

Thanks! I must admit these aren't the original reasons I started reading these pages. I wanted to find strength to step outside myself and misbehave. Instead I've found strength in who I am.

how is rejection a 2-way street? you can't control his actions. HE rejected you and who really wants to have to rape their husbands to get a lil lovin? you shouldn't have to coerce something that should be given freely.

so I don't see how you being rejected is ALSO your fault. just don't get it.

Yes, you are absolutely correct.

What I'm referencing is ownership over a percentage of responsibility for this relationship from its inception. I can't honestly look back and say that there weren't red flags. Early on I knew we were very likely physically incompatible. It was entirely my choice to ignore the obvious. It was partly my arrogance to imagine we could find a solution.

It was and is entirely his choice to remain sexless. He gets to keep one that all for himself.

This reply makes a lot of sense to me. I fully admit that I allowed certain behaviours in my guy, begrudgingly, but i still tolerated them earlier in our relationship. I, in someways, helped create my monster. I appreciate your story! Good luck to you!

okay, I see what you're saying. I think I did the same but I didn't really "know" exactly cuz it was my first real relationship ever and I didn't have any female friends or maternal figures or older sisters to tell me these things