Ouch This Hurts

5 yrs together never had much of a sex life. He's my best friend and one of the coolest individual walking the earth. I love him. I believe he loves me. We married in June. I like an idiot thought that he would feel more comfortable with sex when I was his wife. I was wrong. Can't remember the last time. Hugs kisses pretty much gone. I'm really struggling with overwhelming rejection. He's not gay he just has zero desire. Breaks my heart to even imagine life without him. Divorce is not an option. I'm think he would prob be ok with me going outside our relationship but that seems so demoralizing to me as a women. Can't give myself permission for such a thing although temptation surrounds me. I just want my husband to want me. Help. :(
Fateru34 Fateru34
36-40, F
11 Responses Dec 1, 2012

So many new members come into this forum believing that 'everything is great except for the sex' and they maintain that their refusing spouse is their 'soul mate' or 'best friend'. Have a read of 'A Simple Thought' and the comments in that thread. I think it will help present a different perspective.

Yes, but it is like enna says,that when a marriage is OK, except for the sex, it takes awhile for reality to be visible. And because, as a couple you seem to relate so well on so many other issues, you really do believe it has to be fixable..
If your in a home that is basically tranquil, safe, your idea is to somehow salvage things. But, it is a huge slap in the face when you hit this wall of sexual resistance.
And then as you start really looking at the realtionship, you see all the of the other cracks that are there. And they are no easier to repair than the sexlessness.

And also 'All that glitters'

So eye opening. Prior to doing a search on sexless marriage I had no idea. I'm so naive. I had no idea some how that this issue resonates with so many. I honestly believed that sex was a natural instinct and it would work it's way out. At 39 yrs old I guess I some how dated men who where aggressive sexually which was great and had down sides too. Generally infidelity

Geez it's all coming together for me. I obviously choose him because he was the opposite of what had hurt me. Wow what a mess i created. Now to correct what's been done and not repeat. Reading my own posts as well as others responses and own situations has been awesomely therapeutic. Thank you all for being so open, so honest and respectful even when to you I must read as a babbling idiot. Lifts my heart to know people like you all exist.

No babbling idiots that I've run into in this situation. You are just like most of us who have no 'obvious' reason for the sexless/affectionless marriage. We just don't 'get it' that it is possible someone who we love and seem fairly sure love us just don't want to seem to have any physical intimacy with us at all. I get why some people want to cling to the idea of an 'open relationship', but that is a totally different concept from what is being discussed. An 'open relationship' means not RESTRICTING each other to their partner. When you WANT to have physical intimacy with your partner it doesn't make it 'okay' emotionally for you to have that with someone else because you STILL aren't getting what you really want. It becomes a very poor substitute and honestly I think just 'baits the trap' for if you continue having sex with other people at some point things are going to 'click' with one of them and then your marriage is done anyway. Just my two cents on the matter of course.

Shoreboy - Prisioner Number Year6_NoLove, paroled on August 17th, 2012. Free yourself and leave a dysfunctional relationship. Can't be 'fixed' unless BOTH parties want to fix it. If they did you wouldn't be here. Sad but true.

If you are a Babbling Idiot, then join with the rest of us who would also fit that classification! I too chose a man who represented all the things my first husband did not. My second husband is a great guy in many ways - and a thousand percent improvement on Husband No. One! - but he is unable to be an intimate partner. This was sad for us both - but eventually I realised the only way forward was for us to part. It isn't all bad though - you can remain on good terms and be friends, provided both parties want that. . . .

Help! you said.

I wish we could. I wish I could tell you "Do xyz and it will fix your marriage." Sadly there is NO magic bullet. READ widely on this forum and educate yourself as to the possible options for your future.

Dysfunctional relationships **** with your head, get you thinking weird ****, get you making uninformed choices.

Your story is another testimony to this fact.

Somehow, you figured that an intimately mismatched dude would become matched if you were married.

That didn't happen, so you move on to somehow, figuring that this monogamous relationship could handle you going outside it and survive, in some perverse sort of "open marriage".

Somehow you have concluded that a divorce is not possible.

Reckon you need to tear this back to basics. It is done already. Whether you get divorced or not ain't that important. It is done. It never got off the ground. You are not keen to formalise that fact legally, fair enough, but it won't make it any less done.

Tread your own path.

Too true. Whether you like it or not, whether you agree or not, your marriage never had a chance. You can choose to stay in it for a year, or two or five or ten or fifty. . . . But you will NEVER have the connection, intimacy and passion you need with this partner.

Why? Because you cannot put back into a relationship something that was never there. Even those who started with great sex and wonderful passion rarely have success in turning these situations around. Where there has never been this level of connection, it is a step too far to hope it will mysteriously manifest "somehow". Sorry.

I lived the situation Enna explains (and a fair number of these folks 'know' me and my story) and even when it starts off excellent once the door 'slams shut' on physical intimacy (and it isn't just intercourse... it's everything else that matters even more) it's gone and unless both parties want it back immediately and wholeheartedly it isn't coming back.

I feel your pain. It's been about two years since I first posted and said divorce is not an option. Now I'm finally starting to think that it is. I'm not even 40 yet. I'm not ready to be celibate and feel unloved the rest of my life. I used to think that I'd wait until the kids went to college, but I don't think I can put up with another 10+ years of rejection. Starting to do more research, maybe I'll have the guts to talk to a lawyer soon.

Do it now. I waited until my boys were 5 years old and I could explain that it was something completely between Mommy and Daddy being a husband and wife and had nothing to do with them and certainly wasn't their fault. Once I was sure they could 'internalize' that concept I left. I knew I didn't want to be 'that guy' looking back 13 years from now when my boys graduate high school and thinking how miserable I really was that whole time.

Just finished our discussion and we are giving it 30 days. IfI do everything correctly he will have sex with me but not tonight. Lmao. Felt for the first time that not being with him may be an option. So frustrating to pour your heart out and hear that EVERYTHING is me. Grrrrr hoping for the best. Gonna cry myself to sleep while he drinks himself into oblivion. Starving for intimacy. So frustrated!!! Thanks for the replys. Appreciate knowing I'm not alone.

"IfI do everything correctly he will have sex with me "

Read that a few times....

Are those the words of someone who loves you? Someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Someone who you'd trust with your innermost thoughts, feelings, and your vulnerabilities?

He's really NOT so cool. He's kind of an a$$hole, IMHO.

That's exactly how I feel right now. It's disappointing how quickly defensive and mean he is when the sex conversation comes up. Agreed.

Everything is certainly NOT "you". That is his way of displacing his problems onto you. Quite apart from the sex aspect, a partner who blames his (or her) spouse for their own failings is NOT a great partner.

Ughhh - I've heard similar. Just plain rubbish.

You don't want sex... if you wanted sex it would be very easy to have sex. You want intimacy and you won't get that even if he has sex with you... so... what's the point? Just get it over with. I know it sounds somewhat harsh, but I just did and I tell you what... yes, I'm lonely sometimes especially when I don't have my boys, BUT it is far better than constanly feeling rejected. Constantly. Everytime you think maybe if you hug them they will honestly return the hug. Or if maybe you give them a smile and a kiss they won't stiffen up and act like you are the 'creepy cousin' at the family reunion. They don't... and they do... it sucks. You will not believe the relief you feel when it finally sinks in you CANNOT be rejected anymore. It took about two weeks after separating and then it was like a took my first big deep cleansing breath in years and really had a restful night's sleep. Wonderful to close that 'sad and painful' chapter in my book of life and open the new one with vigor and hope... for a change!

If i do everything correctly.....

This is 100% control. This is passive agressive control. This is a threat. This gives him control of the status quo he has enforced and is a technique to pull your strings. ' oh... Its MY fault because i didnt (insert here)' this will keep you trapped and mess with your belief system and values. It fill fry your brains. You are being trained.

Sorry.... Its just the truth.
Read a website called 'outofthefog' and look at passive aggressive and some other kinds of crazy on there. you will see him somewhere. NOBODY says if you do xyz i will jump your bones. Look inside you and follow your gut, its telling you the truth.

Go with the 30 day thing but get a plan b. In your head give it a little longer to see if he flips back on day 40. And remember and record somewhere things that just dont sit right so you can look back in a few weeks and go 'a ha.... Thats what was going on...'

Good luck

3 More Responses

It is just so sad that our spouses do not desire us. I just wonder if they use the lack of sexual desire as a control mechanism. I also wonder if they know how this effects us and makes us feel. Do they care? Why don't they care? We all Want to be wanted by our spouses. I do not know what the answer is. I really do not.

"Divorce is not an option."

If I had a nickel for every newbie on here who wrote this sentence... and then figured out it WAS an option... boy I wouldn't have to worry financially ever again!

Zsu, promise to share! There should be more than enough to go around . . . !!!

Yes, it's a pot as big as QE.

Indeed.

Well...really just over $1500 - assuming everybody said it - and most have. Including me. Financial worries wouldn't be over, but we could have a really nice open bar for a while ;-)

Sorry...I'm a math pedant.

LMAO elk

Shucks Elk! Spoilsport! Now that the US$ is below the A$ I wouldn't get much at all . . . Nah!! You keep it Zsu!! ROFL.

Wow... I thought I was bad! At least you didn't work up a spreadsheet to try and calculate compound interest based on all of our 'start dates' here in EP land! *wink*

ROFL!! - I don't know if compound interest would apply - much easiier to assign a proportionate distribution of said nickle based on time in IILIASM and apply it to the money coming in.

Ahh... so another player in the insanely 'speculative' nature of investment! You forgot to mention looking for offsetting ways to declare said 'nickels' as presumptive tax deferred or even tax exempt 'health care spending' for mental health services! *grin*

:-) I like that!

8 More Responses

Sally so sorry dear. I feel your pain along with my own. Doesn't make since to me since my life has been spent beating men off with a stick. I think I felt safe knowing he is not with me because he's trying to get laid but where's the passion and intimacy? There's got to be better for us. Thanks for sharing.

Knowing something and doing it are so different. I appreciate your feedback! I'm getting to the point where something has to give. I don't want to be posting here for the rest of my life. I have read the posts others have made and it has been eye opening. I have just read and cried this last hour. So many people taking the words right out of my mouth. This is helpful. Thank you.

Ironic. You are coming to the place I did much more quickly that I did. I posted and 'listened' and 'talked' here for months before reaching that same conclusion. I had to get to the crossroads and 'make the call'. I dropped off EP for about 2 or 3 months to just 'do it'.

I hate to be that bearer of bad news but nothing is going to change. Divorce this man and let him be your PLATONIC best friend because obviously that is all he can be and find a man who will love you, be in love with you and that will give you the sexual intimacy you deserve. I am speaking from experience.