Finally A Decision --change And Happiness

Okay I know I HAVE to make a change. If I keep doing the same things over and over again, the results will be the same. Unless I do something different I am not going to get a different result..

I am Not happy with my Marriage. This is my Truth. I have tried everything in the books to make it work, everything to make myself believe that I am happy.
Its not working. It is NEVER going to work.I only have so many years on this planet, and I WANT TO BE HAPPY!

All the denial is over. The truth is out. I have accepted it.
I cannot make anybody else happy if I am not happy myself. Thats the truth.
The decision to be Happy is made. To stay, to leave, to have FWB, whatever does not come first. What comes first is my Will to be Happy. Nothing else matters.

When I divorce ,whether I divorce does not matter. It will happen when I am ready. Everything will fall in place once the decision to walk on the path to Happiness is made..

Here's some of the things I will do in order to make myself happy, and to be on the right path,

1) God has sent me this opportunity to stay away from the muck, for 6-8months. I am going to use it. I will go overseas, relax, learn, smell the breeze of the new world, connect with the new people.
Connect Connect Connect. Build a new support system of friends and colleagues. Excellent opportunity to meet new people with the new Me..
Not the same stereotypical We are the perfectly happy couple me! Just Me.

2) Learn what my strenghts are, what makes me complete, without the(my identity is being the other half of this person, me!)
What new things would I like to learn that would make Me happy, without the(this would fit in our marriage plan).

3) Learn what my weaknesses are. Accept them,minimize a few, try to change the ones I can, in order to effectively get where I want to be. (Whether it is relationships, personal or professional.)

4)Try to make myself a better person, the kind of better person I want to be.
objectively for me: a) take that photography class I always wanted to take
b) take that public speaking and leadership class I always wanted to take.
c) Take those standup comic classes I wanted to do for a long time.
d) Or just sign up for the MBA I wanted to do forever.
Any of those. Will expand my horizons, meet people who like similar things, my world will get bigger.. much bigger.
e) Take some lessons on being an attractive woman, that type of stuff, just groom myself to the new world of relationships. Kind of want to be ready when the right guy comes along..
5)Not going to start dating or anything just yet. no casual sex, no trying to fall in love just yet. All this to avoid making bad decisions.

6) Still, the heart tries to wander, so better have a few rules in place before anything at all were to happen: Have a good idea of potential dates, expecially the ones to avoid.
for eg
1) Not try to date a guy who needs a mommy/therapist(like my husband).
2) Not try to date a guy when I need a daddy/therapist(will end up with the wrong guys).
3)Try to be a mature integral complete adult first and then seek out an integral mature complete adult person.
4)Absolutely not date married guys, I dont want to be the second woman in any man's life and cant deal with the emotional drama that would ensue. Besides I am way too self respecting to do that.
5)Dont want to date the first guy who looks down my cleavage.(Dont want it to be like hey my husband never looked at me lustily, this guy does! No, sex is important as I have learnt but being a genuine, honest, gentle, intelligent guy is still important).
6)Dont get desperate for sex, vent my feeling on EP or in the privacy of my single bedroom. So as to avoid getting in bed with the wrong guy.
7)I may be open to a little kiss if I really like the guy..
Again, dont act desperate for sex, and dont be desperate for sex until I can kind know I want, kind of really like someone for other things( the other things are still important).

As far as the husband is concerned, still be connected, these connections are not going to go away easy, while I am still finding my happiness, he has enough time to think of his happiness as well..
Just dont dwelve over it, or be angry, upset or sad over it.
Try to make peace.

About my husband, he is how he is, that is how God made him. So instead of trying to hard to change him, unless he wants to change and needs my help.. dont do it. He not having sex is making me unhappy. 11years, hasnt been able to change me to the person who shouldnt need sex, . Just like I am not going to change from being a sexual person, he is not going to change from being an asexual person. And he has every right to do so. Just like I have every right to be the sexual person, he has every right to be the asexual person. There is no right or wrong here. There is just what it is. The truth. The facts. Accept it and plan My actions accordingly.

Having a real relationship with a real man whom I desire and who desires me is going to make me happy. The man whom I can love and who can love me is going to make me happy. The man I can share, laugh, love, accept, kiss, be intimate with, feel nurtured and be able to nurture, is going to make me happy.
This is the definition of My happiness, and I am starting my Journey towards my happiness Today..
uma1980 uma1980
31-35, F
13 Responses Dec 1, 2012

YEAH!!! Thank you for your words. I am coming to the same conclusions. Thanks for your rules for yourself and for your future. I found them inspiring and I may steal a few :) We can do this!!!

We can absolutely change and be happy, and we need to start Now with concrete time limits is what I am learning. Yes We Can!!

I am Not looking to date anybody just Yet At All. I really Need to find my Inner happiness and peace first. I dont want to bring the sadness of my current relationship to the next. I dont want to come to a new relationship because I am sad. I want to be happy first before I enter into any new relationship. Once I am doing all that I want to do,that makes me happy, and I am kind of over all the smoke and mirrors is when I would look at whats next. If I didnt have sex all these years I dont need to have it for the next couple of years. I am Not looking for casual sex At all.
I am not looking to have a full blown affair right now either. The dating rules are Just in case there is some twist in the tale I want to be sure I dont end up with the wrong guy!
I will try to avoid a parallel relationship for the most part. I would probably then finish one story before I start another. My husband is also a good friend and he will always remain that way.

Good for you Uma, sounds like a healthy way to re-start 'You' !!

Good luck!!

I really need to thank each one of you, who have commented on my stories, Every one of you shared wisdom with me, provoked me to stop and think of those aspects of my life and relationships. I really cant tell you how valuable You are to me. EP is changing my life. Just the decision to be Happy and walk on that path is already making me feel so much better, so much energetic and happy already.. I cant wait to just go and grab the bull by the horns and Just Do all those things..

He is asexual. You are sexual. 11 years of married bliss for him. 11 years of married pain for you. So, you have been the tolerant person that gave in and sacrificed self. Are you really about to erupt ......... metaphorically. Why after these 11 years?. Is there someone else tugging at your hearts strings and so this issue of sexual deprivation has risen as an excuse to get out.
Is there a child in this picture ? If so how old? boy or girl? who looks after, hereafter?
6 months away may help to gauge, how much each is missing the other? Also, left loose at a different older age, your system and experiences will set the borders and boundaries and all sorts of expectations and qualifying factors before the next bond comes about?
Are you decided yet to walk out the front door for not six months but forever? Are you sure you are not at all going to look over your shoulders about the man and the 11 years (for you have mentioned plenty of his doting).
You have done your thinking. You have some plans. Is all this thinking and planning made known to your hubby or it really does not matter, anymore?
You have come through strongly. Expressions here are all logic minus emotional attachment. May all that we say help you, for that final decision is absolutely yours.

Thanks for all the questions, because these do make me think them through.
And the devil is in the details. So I am working on each one of them.
I am going to answer All your questions, because I know a lot of people will be asking me those questions too.
Are you really about to erupt ......... metaphorically. Why after these 11 years?.
I have had the opportunity to "erupt" several times in my marriage.
1) was when I realized that he didnt have a real job, and I would be the sole breadwinner of the family. I really hadnt planned it that way. So all of a sudden I was responsible to put food on the table. Scrounging for every penny, working 6am to 11pm-sometime 2am. I had to erupt every minute of my life.
2)I had to erupt because I didnt have the courage to tell him to get a job since he was working on his Phd, and I didnt want to take away from that experience.
I couldnt just do a regular job, because my mother was going through stage 3 cancer, and I had to send her $40k per year for 2 years. So a regular job at that time wasnt going to cut it. I had do a business. I had no clue what business meant. Only to realize that its nothing but hard work.
3)I had also to do the duties of a wife, so I would do all the chores, cooking cleaning, laundry,dishes, regular job and a business to make ends meet.
With the pressure that if I dont there will be no food on the table, my mom wouldnt be able to make it, my husband wouldnt be able to finish his phd.
4) I had to erupt each time I wrote for his job interviews, he doesnt have great people skills, I knew nothing about engineering and I worked hard to prepare him for his engineering interviews.
5) His parents had a very stronghold on him, he had absolutely no confidence, I had to erupt each and every time to give him that.
6) I had to play breadwinner, maid, cook, mentor, therapist,coach, daughter, business woman, everything at a time when I knew nothing of any of those roles. All at the same time while still maintaining my Dignity, Morals, and Self Respect. And all this time we had No sex ,We have never even Kissed.
7) those major hurdles have passed, never got time to think about sex or about me.
Why now, because he has enough self confidence and he can live without me, he has been turned around as a person too.
After all the years of struggle, I have gained measurable success, I feel empowered now.
I thought being successful is all I needed to be happy. I have everything now that most women dream of.
And guess what? I am still NOT happy!
Is there anybody pulling at my heart strings---Nope. I never allowed anybody into my heart because I knew my obligations to my loved ones fully well.

Everybody is okay now except Me.

Being the person that I have come to be I dont need an excuse for anything.
I am a brutally Honest person. I dont hide or do anything sneakily. I dont cheat.
Everything I do is Known to my DH. I would make sure he is okay first before I do something that would make Only me happy. I am true to all my obligations.
But I am a human being. And I feel every human being deserves a little happiness in their lives. And every human being deserves to experience the Love that God meant for each one of us..

Yes we do have a little girl. If I can do so much for people who really did not make me happy, this is an angel and my only happiness . I really need to work out those things, but there is a lot of things that I have worked out of. I am sure God will give me enough strenght and love and wisdom to make sure that my little angel of happiness is Happy first. But I am not there yet to where those details could be worked out, she will be with me all the time.

Yes. You are right given my age and experience and where I am in life, there would be a Lot of qualifying factors before the next bond comes about.
I am not looking to bond with another person to complete me. I am looking at ways to complete myself. Whether I will or not is not important at this time.

I will always be connected with my DH. Disconnecting with him is not the issue here.. Whats important is for me to go Seek and find my happiness..
And as I evolve and discover myself my path will be clearer..

1 More Response

Wow you've come a long way in a couple days - I am very proud of you!!! And this:

") Take those standup comic classes I wanted to do for a long time."

Oh you'll have plenty of comic fodder from this marriage, once you step away for awhile! There's several forum posts of jokes too, you may want to check out ;)

Best of luck!

Thanks a lot, you know whenever I was away on trips and forgot all the sad stuff, I would connect with people and say funny things, mimic people, and just laugh out Loud with everybody! It would be cool if I can take it to the next level, and just make more people laugh! Spread a happiness along the way! Thanks for shaking me up, I really needed that!!

It's obvious you've been doing some serious thinking and have developed a framework for change. From what I've read of that framework, you'll be doing better than most who are looking to change their situations.

I liked the whole focus on you. You're right when you say you can't make anyone else happy if you're unhappy yourself. I also liked the idea of using EP as a place to vent.

Best of luck in your journey. Your EP friends are all here willing to help if you need them.

I will be posting more details and really trying to work out on the negatives and how I am looking to manage those and all that. Every piece of advice helps.
thanks a lot!

Those are great and sensible revelations. I am very happy for your future self. If you really need to leave him to be happy, go for it. I had made some decisions as well: I will not be yelled at, I will not allow anyone to blame me for what's wrong with them, I will not let anyone define and control me, I will accept myself, I will not associate with anyone that doesn't trust and respect me, I will be peaceful and happy even if I am alone. I am very happy that I left my husband, you and I have very different circumstances and my husband's obsession with me and refusal to move on has caused him to make some deep changes to how he relates to me . I am waiting for this eternity apart to end so that he and I will be together again.

Enjoy the journey and the discovery!

I'll confess to having a soft spot for Tony Robbins, and his description of people who were ostensibly successful and doing well - but were deeply troubled and not getting the life they actually wanted came to mind when you were describing your lives together.

You have the luxury of having some space & money to really find out what you want - use it.

Ostensibly is the apt word. Meaning superficially, on the surface, make belief not on the inside.

You know all the wisdom and comments you have put into this have really helped me think so much. Its amazing what a few days on EP did to me what so many years never did.. I was also probably ready accept that wisdom, this time .

A lot of the time, it's readiness and a willingness to attend to the "little" signals. Perhaps what helped me shift most of all was being more aware of my feelings, not over-riding them with what nominally "should" be done.

Uma, keep in mind, everything you stated above is exactly the plan you should still keep even if for some reason this 6-8 month opportunity falls through... the classes, the new friends, making yourself happy, etc...

Just keep that in mind in case plans change - just like you refuse to have your happiness determined by anyone other than you, don't abandon that for anything, trip or no trip - start today.

Good luck to you!

That's great to hear you have decided what I did decide too that people as much as we try and save our marriage and not upset the apple cart in truth people are different and talking about it with them doesn't change them from asexual to what I thought I was which was oversexed but after reading stories on here I'm not good luck I admire your courage and hope to do the same xoxo jay

See how different your perspective can be when you step away from the credits and debits model of looking at things? This sounds like a good plan for a journey of self discovery and healing. Be well.

Looks like a pretty good plan to me.

Tread your own path.

May you have the strength to stick to your plan!