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My Truths

I guess this is somewhat of an update. I just need to ramble or rant or whatever.  I apologize if it seems scattered. 


I don't feel any differently.  I still want to separate even though he has been getting testosterone injections, stopped his narcotic pain meds, and is more engaged in what's going on. 


He doesn't think it's fair that I feel this way because he didn't realize how unhappy I was.  He was in his own world, just waiting for his next dose of pain medication.  He says I have no idea what very low testosterone does to a person, how it made him feel.  He said he was blindsided when I told him last year I wanted a separation.  I told him I still feel the same way. 


I told him that I shouldn't have to remind my husband that not having sex and intimacy with your wife is a bad thing and will make her very unhappy.  I expressed how I unraveled and was just barely keeping my head above water trying to take care of the household, the kids, becoming severely depressed. I told him how I got to the point that I was hoping one of us would die, and I knew it was time for me to get help.  He does not understand how ridiculous it is that I had to tell him I want to leave for him to get help/help himself.  How could someone not know that not screwing your spouse for years will make them quite unhappy?   


He does not understand how all of this changed how I feel about him.  I told him that I am very happy that he's off most of his meds and that he gets along much better with the kids now.


I am pretty sure he has his libido back, but I just cannot bring myself to be sexual with him. 


No, I haven't seen a lawyer yet.  I am not finished with school, and I'm not working.  I have already mourned the loss of my marriage.  I still feel stuck because of guilt.   
MissLee MissLee 46-50, F 16 Responses Dec 2, 2012

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All of these people who get married and then don't want to have sex with their spouse...................wtf? First of all, IF you cleared it with your spouse before you got married, then fine, different strokes for different folks. However, if you did NOT tell your spouse before the 2 of you tied the knot "Oh, by the way, I don't plan on to have any/very little sex with you after our wedding ceremony" then you have NO right to do that to your S.O. I sympathize with you Miss Lee, let the guilt go if you are able, it is not your fault that your husband decided to stop having sex in your marriage. I am pulling for you.

That not being able to be sexual with him, I totally get that. It is like Enna once said, that over time we are sort of trained not to want our intimacy-averse spouses. Speaking as someone who wishes otherwise, it is awfully difficult to undo.

I told my husband 1.5 years ago that I no longer had sexual feelings for him because of his prescription drug use and subsequent *******-ish behavior, emotional withdrawal from me and the kids, and complete lack of sex. Now that he's off his meds and is less moody and more sociable and is getting testosterone shots, I still am not sexually attracted/attuned to him. He doesn't initiate, though, so I don't outright refuse. But if he were to proposition me about sex, I really don't know what I'd do.

I go along, hoping to eventually recover some kind of desire. Has not happened yet, but who's to say it won't. It is not like I hate having sex with him, but I am able to zone out a bit and think of something else to get myself mentally there.

Hi,I read a few of your posts and totally understand your position. I’m in a similar position myself. More on that later. You mention he may have his libido back. Sounds like the med injection have help. Between all the injections and blue pills – I wonder if it’s the partner that doesn’t do it for him. Company excluded. Seems like your sex drive is right on target.

For all these younger men ( I guess 40+) that now rely on blue pills, if a naked 22 year old drop dead beauty walked up to them…would they need a pill. Just a thought and not directed at you. Any thoughts ?

oh miss lee....so much of what you say resonates. VB says it best: some people feel guilty about nothing; some feel guilt about everything (paraphrased).

think you've done enough talking and telling and supporting and helping.

guess what?

it's past time so support and help YOU.

xo

I am in a very similar situation. Reading your post I was shocked to see someone that felt the same way as I do; Why do I have to tell you that not having sex is a BAD thing? How can you not know this? How on earth can you believe this is normal??? How can you expect me not to react without anger??? What planet are you on?

Yup. When he says, "You never told me (how unhappy you are)." I just want to scream.

If you don't want to fix this with him; you are within your right to "call time" on the marriage. He lived his life the way he wanted (as evidenced by his addiction) and now it's time for you to live how you want to live. As has been said in a number of different stories and posts this week, you just have to be willilng to be the "bad guy" and disregard what people think about your leaving. I know it's easier said than done, but this seems to be the pattern and the price of freedom.

If you stay in the marriage much longer, it is likely that he'll wear you down by chipping away at you, comment by comment, and the guilt will grow. My own situation is an example of why there is no perfect time to go and waiting usually makes it more difficult to go later. Had I not given DH 4 months to fix things, I would have been out the door before his illness was diagnosed. I have recently spoken to an EPeep and member of this forum who is possibly now in a similar situation.

You're relying on his for support while you finish school...there is no reason why that couldn't be made part of a divorce agreement; this is something that is done all of the time...

MissLee, hang in there until you have finished your education. I think this is what has kept you there?? Then find employment and, regardless of how you feel in the guilt department, LEAVE. Once you are out, things will be much much clearer, I promise you.

Not LadyA's response below. Being AWAY from the mind bending stuff helps clear your head and let you see things more clearly. You can always tell him it is a "temporary separation" so you can clear up your thoughts one way or the other. LOTS of us have done this. Very VERY few ever went back!!

Wow. This is how I feel about my husband (but his was years of depression and weight gain which caused diabetes). We are going to begin counseling soon, but I don't know that I will ever love him again. Even when things are 'good,' I don't like him all that much.

He doesn't feel guilty - and he never will. You do, because you're a good, caring person. I'm afraid you'll have to suck it up - but don't worry, cos right behind that comes the anger - and that cures the guilt. You'll see xx

Oh, I already have/had the anger. :)

Oh that's good - enjoy it before it turns to indifference, lol xx

I've been through indifference, too. LOL That's why I think I have mourned the loss of my marriage. I've been through all the stages of grief, but I still hold onto guilt.

I stayed because of guilt (and fear)...and I felt guilty for not loving him the way i was suppose to..and so i then did this total mindfucked thing where I picked apart everything he did and said as "proof" of whatever was rolling around in my head.

I knew everything I needed to know. I had communicated with him for years. His late show at the party wasn't my doing. He chose to be ignorant. Again...not my fault. He played the victim. His choice. He played the "I'm a good guy...how could you do this to me? How could you do this to our family" card.

Here's the thing...we are 2+ years out and we are both doing so much better. He has a great relationship - just got a new job with a steady income (first time in 8+ years) - he's reaching out more to our son and getting more involved - as a person - he is doing better.

Keeping us tied together was a mistake for so many, many reasons. It wasn't fair to either one of us...

I agree with VB..totally and wholeheartedly...I'll be cheering you on as you bide your time and work your plan. Take care of yourself MissLee....

I so understand. Took a while to get past the guilt part (still rears its ugly head sometimes), now working in the getting out part. Be strong, take care.

Of course he doesn't understand. Addicts never do. I'm guilty of that myself when it comes to my nicotine addiction. Intellectually I understand, but emotionally my fix is more important. I don't want to be like this.

That guilt thing - it just tears at you. I still feel it. And he still knows how to use it - I will post another story soon - he just used it AGAIN the other day "I had no idea, why, she's the only one who wants to split up, I get sick and then she leaves...." blah blah blah....

He won't ever hear you. He doesn't even hear himself. And please convince yourself - as I am trying to do - that he is NOT your responsibility any longer!

I could argue a very convincing case as to why you shouldn't feel guilty sister Lee, but that would be disrespectful to you, and would be minimising what you feel. Guilty.

If that's what you feel, then that's what you feel.

Will it be enough to continue to hold you in the shithole ??

It may well be. Comes a time however, when you figure out that leaving IS going to involve carrying a bit of guilt with you anyway. Comes with the territory. Comes as part of the consequence of the choice. It's managable.

Tread your own path.

Yes it is difficult. Sounds much like an addiction rather than a functional relationship.
You have grown and he is but another child trying to guilt you in to staying. If you buckle you may never get free or find happiness.
As for myself I am a husband dealing with a wife that in many ways is the female parallel of your husband. I have not gone as far as you YET but I have a deep sense it isn't far off. I have the right to have a partner and need not be an emotionally starved care taker.

Guilt about what exactly?

When it's over it's over.

It is always amazing to me how we think that it's the sex but when that opportunity avails itself again we realise that we are just done, that ship has sailed.

You have light at the end of your tunnel - always a fabulous thing. Just keep focused on that.