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A Practical Question For The Group

OK - people reading my posts know that progress is being made. That makes me happier than I've been in a long time.  Our working together promises to yield long-term rewards.  But there is one element that makes me sad.

Since getting back from a trip, my wife has not been a denier - she has been open and enjoys our sexual intimacy.  The catch, except for her very indirect hints, I am the one to initiate sex and determine its pace and activity.  She professes enjoyment and likes that I always see to her satisfaction, but is otherwise passive.  I've discussed this, but she says that it is just who she is, that she expects the man to take the lead.

Am I being selfish to hope that she would be a more active sexual partner?  Is this the best it is going to get?  Some of my needs are being met, but is this just a matter of optional desires on my part?

I want to keep positive, but even with improvement I feel sad and depressed and don't know what is wrong with me.
GTR1400 GTR1400 61-65, M 11 Responses Dec 2, 2012

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Have little to say in regards to this. My ex rarely initiated sex. Sounds like your wife except he did like like intimacy with me. The feeling of always having to initiate ie feeling like i "forced" him did not sit well with me either...A sign of worsening things....Do you think this is temporary, the whole thing? Cause she is not going to willingly participate or initiate cause she doesn't want or have to....Sorry. Just sayin....

It's a good minimising tactic this one.
Compared to a functional marriages it reduces the requests for sex by 50% straight off.
And, with only the "requester" generating the request, a bit of an air of being "put upon" will sharply reduce those requests too, say by at least another half. These two things alone (not requesting) and (responding unenthusiasticlly) will have you down to 25% of "normal" in no time flat.

Unimaginative "I have a headache" or imaginative "I was abducted by aliens" excuses will kill most of that remaining 25% in pretty short order too.

Baz. There are few in this forum I even remember..But you are certainly one...I am out after 30 years. Lots of hassles and arguments and excuses....You know this...Christ. We all do. And police involvement. But I am happy. Takes some of us a long, long time....I think as women we tend to try everything under the sun and the moon and in between even if to no avail. So I can say I did and move on....Your posting was accurate and valid. Thank you, Baz.

I'd suggest that you are on the cusp of realising that the sex is merely a symptom of underlying disconnect. That everything was / is NOT great bar the sex.

That is a very unpleasant realisation when it hits.

Tread your own path.

One of the things to be wary of, especially after years of repeated refusal - if you really want your marriage to work, is to not shoot yourslf in the foot. This is where you need to be brutally honest with yourself and ask if you have been trying because you really wsnted to fix it or if trying had become a habit. Self - sabotage is a very real possibility. You can probably find any excuse now (much like a refuser) as to why things won't work even though your spouse has stepped up to the plate.

Yes. It can be devastating to discover that what you THOUGHT you really wanted all this time (i.e. the resumption of your sex life) has now come about too late to really save the marriage . . . .

Once you havethoroughly learnt the lesson of "not desiring sex with her", it may NOT be possible to turn it back on.

Sometimes we need to be grateful for each baby step we take, especially when the step is in the direction we want to go! Enjoy what you have and don't worry about moving forward too fast. If you push too hard you make end up going backwards.

I could only suggest that you might be grateful for what there is considering where you most recently come from. Maybe, just maybe, it needs more time. Or maybe it describes just how close to the edge you still teeter. What is better, do you suppose, half a candy, or none at all?

I get the notion that the idea of your partner initiating is the ultimate expression to you of them being into you, and if she does not show that, maybe she isn't really that much into you.

On the other hand, some sexual partners express a wish to either be sexually dominant or sexually submissive. As a stark expression, neither hold much appeal to me. On top of which submissive is not the same as passive although in practice the distinction might be a subtle one.

Was she always submissive or passive, or is this a more recent dynamic?

Personally, I think it is always a regret that anyone can pass up an opportunity to develop psychologically and emotionally as a character, as a person, if an obvious, easy and accommodating opportunity is offered. It is a blessing on a plate that should not be turned down. However, an awful lot of people are just not up to going with the flow, even if it appears to others to be manna from heaven.

Maybe, just maybe, she is just not that confident enough in herself, either inside the bedroom or outside it? Are you the dominant partner in the relationship, outside the relationship? Does she look up to you to be the decision-maker on non-sexual matters?

If you have considered or covered this issue before, I apologise.

lucky you, keep tuning that engine...

I'm a sex person...switchy...so keep that in mind...

If you want her to be more assertive your best bet is to see if you can drive her to it. For me- I'm feeling way more dommy when we've been playful and flirty and there is build up...maybe hours..maybe a few days...but if I get to thinking about it and it starts rolling around in my head...I'm much more assertive.

Of course...you could take the lead in many ways you know...if she's in agreement to take direction...you could have significant fun playing with that...

I myself have difficulty initiating. Being rejected hurts. I don't like to run the risk of being shot down. On the other hand, I have always been this way. Different things work for different men. Tell her. Example.... It would be so sexy if you would....use your imagination. If you arrive home to find her waiting (even if nervous and reluctant) to fulfill your 'fantasy' she surely is trying more than you could have realized

This is tough. I love the thrill of being the pursuer and getting a response (which I haven't felt in years-I've lost track.) However, being wanted....oh that is just divine. Someone doing the pursuing is just, if not more amazing. Sounds to me like you've made progress but that might be the extent of what she can give. You will have to decide if you can handle it.

There may be more ways to be sexually incompatible than just frequency?

If she's really making positive steps...then I think you should be happy for the time being. I think you also need to accept the indirect hints as a form of initiation. To her they may not feel that indirect.