Post

28 Married To 24 Yr Old Man

When i leave, he begs for me back. Satisfies me physically and emotionally. A month later we are back to reality. I love him so much. I kept my blinders on. I married him. Not even a year later i find myself just figuring this out. I've wondered.... How can a 24 year old man just not want sex? He's cheated several times. Im sure it took tact and time. So why do i get excuses as to why he has no time, no energy, or just no need to make love to me, his wife? I cater to him right down to laying his clothes out the day before and standing there to hand him his towel as he steps out of the shower. He insists he loves me, he cant live without me. I belive I have done this to myself thogh. I've made myself his mother, instead of his lover. I was raised to know that you should cater to your mans every need. However, I did not realize that meant my life would be boring, misserable, lonely, and an endless servitude to an ungreatful partner. I feel used and very much unloved. This being my second mairrage I was sure that it would be different than when i was 16. But I find it strange that I can see the gravity of my own situation, yet I have this feeling of weakness. I dont want to leave. I don't want to go through this again with someone else. I'm a beautiful person inside and out. I just wish there was a way to make my husband see how I feel. But would i dare? Might send me into a sick reality. He doest really care.
whoreallyknowswhy whoreallyknowswhy 26-30 12 Responses Dec 2, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

I had this exact problem. I even read books, therapy, meds. Finally I had to face the fact that this was my life and I would have to do something or stop complaining because if I did nothing then that was my fault. I told him I was leaving and started sleeping in the guest room. Its funny but I felt better and he missed me. I am now back in our bed and though things arent perfect theyre better and better each day. What ever you do, I wish you the best. Its very hard when you ;love someone and feel they dont love you.

You could do a really deep analysis of his interesting and unamusing mental maladies and possibly come up with a definitive "why" he is a jerk. Then you'd have to scrub him.

Alternatively, you could just look at the behaviour, conclude that he behaves like a jerk, and scrub him.

Depends on how much more time you feel like wasting really.

Tread your own path.

-----"I belive I have done this to myself thogh. "

Yes you have and you certainly are complicit in this codependent and unhealthy dynamic.

I recommend you get yourself into indivdual counselling to figure out WHY you continue to cater to his every whim to your and the relationship's detriment.

You do not want a repeat in your next relationship.

madonna/***** syndrome for him, perhaps? Lovely co-dependancy for you? Check it out, might ring a bell.

I would love to *** over and help you out

" How can a 24 year old man just not want sex?" Could be hormonal... Could be anything... Do you want 50 years of sexless marriage?

He is emotionally underdeveloped and careless, indifferent. He can't emotionally focus and keep in focus what actually might matter to him. And as you realise yourself, you are his mother, as good a reason as any to not want to see you go. It would be too bad if he saw himself as a much older sibling to your son, rather than a true father figure.

What keeps you there is the the realisation, the real fear that you are incapable of ever getting your choices in such matters right. That's tough, there is little doubt about it.

I just wanted to add something I forgot to mention in my story. He is only 24, but after a year of trying to concieve he found out he is not cappable of fathering a biological child. We have been together since my son was 7 months old. He is every bit of a wonderful father. He is Daddy to our little boy. Adoption was complete by the time he was 3. He wont tell most people (childhood friends he hasnt seen in years). He leads everyone to belive that he is his biological son. That's not a real issue for me. It just makes my mind wander sometimes, if im being used for that reason also. He has always dated women older than him. His flings however are with mostly 18 year olds (barely) but the one consistancy is that every woman he has had any involvement with were pregnant or had children.

Well, I think you're just practicing to get it right 3rd time around!

This guy is a dud, where you are concerned. He's proven it time and again. Is this the person you want to grow old with? How long are you willing to play this game? He's not going to change. Do you enjoy the make-up sessions so much you're willing to sacrifice the rest of your life to this?

"I've made myself his mother, instead of his lover. I was raised to know that you should cater to your mans every need..." sad to say but so many of us were raised this way. Your future holds the hope of recovery from codependant behaviors passed down to us from well-meaning mothers, aunts and grandmas. You'll need to get to know yourself and chill with the need to be attached to someone other than yourself.

You're fighting something that is biologically sound; The desire of a male to dominate. In the many relationships I have seen and been through I find it is almost always true that a woman subconsciously wants to be "taken" and a man wants to be the in the role of "taker." Yes, I understand there are many people who live outside of this paradigm.

That being said, that which does not need to be taken in anyway shape or form, seems to cause a disinterest in males. Why? Because in general, men like to conquer things. They like challenges and rising to that challenge.

I am not in any way encouraging manipulation of your husband or tricks to renew his interest in you. What I would suggest is that you DROP the hand holding. He hasn't EARNED the care you're giving him. It is not a biproduct of the love you SHARE. It is your patterned behavior to take care of him.

Every time you take care of him in a way that is undeserved, and you know what I mean, you are perpetuating a cycle of your own unhappiness.

You are 28, he is 24. Again you are fighting a natural imbalance. Men, most typically desire to mate with women who are younger. But, let's look at something here. Why? Subconsciously youth is related to a successful birth; that is the strongest factor that's tugging at his psyche, whether he knows it or not.

But, an age difference of four years is obviously not going to determine the success of this marriage. What WILL determine the success of the marriage is both parties involved. You seem as though you are a person who will not be able to walk away from this union unless you feel as though you've done everything you can. But I ask you...

When was the last time you looked in the mirror and said, "I'm ******* awesome."

"I'm a person focused on my inner peace, my goals, my beliefs, my dreams."

You sound as though you are losing your confidence and we all know that NOTHING attracts as powerfully as confidence. A great body helps, but being that it is physical it is a temporary attraction and WILL wear off. So it is confidence in who you are and the woman you can be that will ultimately lead YOU to a place of happiness. And if your man wants to step up and join you on your path, then and only then will he be honoring you as the godess you are. All women deserve to be loved, respected, honored and cherished.

You deserve to be loved, respected, honored and cherished.

Yep, sounds like he sees you as a mother or perhaps some kind of "sister servant" - my guess is he has major problems with sexual intimacy. He's ok with the sex (hence the affair sex) and he's ok with the intimacy (hence being happy to accept that dry towel when stepping out of the shower) - but sexual intimacy may well be beyond him. You need to break free of 'catering to your man's every need' - and learn how to be a woman who balances the priorities of your husband's needs, the needs of your marriage, and your own emotional and physical needs. It's fine to prioritise your husband's needs in a loving partnership - but that means that he needs to prioritise YOUR needs as well. It doesn't sound like he's doing that.