What I Have Felt, Thought And Heard Through The Years.

Early Years:

I felt: alone, rejected, confused, sad, angry, desperate.

I thought: What have I done wrong? Am I not attractive enough? What did I do to turn him off? Why won't he kiss me? Why aren't we having sex very often? Why doesn't he see that I am hurting?

He said when confronted: It's not you. I'm just tired. Work is stressing me out. I miss my family. We don't have enough money and it worries me. My back hurts.


Middle Years:

I felt: alone, rejected, confused, sad, pissed, angry, desperate, creative, willing to try, rejuvinated because we can work through this together.

I thought: I know it's not me, so now I can help you fix your problems. I know I'm pretty enough but it sure would be nice if you could tell me once in a while. Oh don't worry that you don't want sex, I'm kind of tired anyway-the baby is exhausting me. I don't think about it that much anymore, we are just at that stage of our marriage now, right? Oh good, you will come to see a therapist with me-so you agree something is wrong? I can be patient while you figure this out. Couldn't you just say that you are gay, or having an affair-it would make so much more sense and I won't be hurt-I promise. It would at least explain everything. Why do I still lay down every night feeling dejected, hurt and alone. What the ****** won't you **** me? Isn't that what every husband wants???

He said when confronted: I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm trying to figure it out. I love you-you know that. I learned to love you in a different way and now I don't know how to get it back. I am obsessed with making money-the way an alcoholic is obsessed with drinking and it's getting in the way. My back hurts, my head hurts, fill in the blank with whatever hurts. I'm tired. I hate my job. I didn't get any sleep because the kids kept me up. My medicine is affecting my sex drive. I'm overweight and I don't feel good about myself so I can't be with you. Let me just lose some weight, make some more money, fix my back, get some sleep and then I can be with you. The doctor said my testosterone is good and I'm healthy. I don't know why I don't want to have sex with you.

Last few years:

I have felt: alone, sad, depressed, confused, fed up, pissed, angry, unloved, unwanted, dejected, suffocated, resentful, hurt, intense pain, uncontrollable sadness.

I have thought: I am better than this. How can I get out? Is an affair the way to feel better? What will I do with my kids if I leave? How will it affect them? Can I survive? He is a good provider in every other way. I am comfortable with almost everything. How can I leave just because of sex? You know, I am every man's dream-ready to do whatever you want!!! I want to feel appreciated, loved, desired, wanted. I want to hear how I turn him on, how I make him feel, how the time without me makes him want me more. I want to share my fantasies and have them come true. I want him to KNOW how much he has hurt me. Can therapy really help? Does his past have an true affect on him? Seriously?? Now you can't even get an erection? So you mean, if if you had some physical desire you actually can't? Could my luck get any worse or is this my final wake up call?? Is fixing his sleep apnea really going to help him connect with me emotionally? I think I know what I need to do. Here's my letter....dear....8 pages of my heart and soul. I am hurting and you need to know. Let me go or I will.

What he said when confronted: I cannot believe I hurt you so badly and deeply. I am ashamed and sorry. (3 great weeks of an emotional/intimate connection...no sex because of the lack of erection....and then back to the same. At which point I landed here on EP.)

TODAY:
I feel: sad, supported by EP, feeling in control, and ready to move on.

I am thinking: I have a plan. I will survive. I am worth it. I can find real love. I know he is out there waiting for me and someday I will look back and wonder why I waited so long.

He said when confronted: to be continued. He hasn't been yet. My plan is still forming :)