What I Have Felt, Thought And Heard Through The Years.

Early Years:

I felt: alone, rejected, confused, sad, angry, desperate.

I thought: What have I done wrong? Am I not attractive enough? What did I do to turn him off? Why won't he kiss me? Why aren't we having sex very often? Why doesn't he see that I am hurting?

He said when confronted: It's not you. I'm just tired. Work is stressing me out. I miss my family. We don't have enough money and it worries me. My back hurts.

Middle Years:

I felt: alone, rejected, confused, sad, pissed, angry, desperate, creative, willing to try, rejuvinated because we can work through this together.

I thought: I know it's not me, so now I can help you fix your problems. I know I'm pretty enough but it sure would be nice if you could tell me once in a while. Oh don't worry that you don't want sex, I'm kind of tired anyway-the baby is exhausting me. I don't think about it that much anymore, we are just at that stage of our marriage now, right? Oh good, you will come to see a therapist with me-so you agree something is wrong? I can be patient while you figure this out. Couldn't you just say that you are gay, or having an affair-it would make so much more sense and I won't be hurt-I promise. It would at least explain everything. Why do I still lay down every night feeling dejected, hurt and alone. What the ****** won't you **** me? Isn't that what every husband wants???

He said when confronted: I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm trying to figure it out. I love you-you know that. I learned to love you in a different way and now I don't know how to get it back. I am obsessed with making money-the way an alcoholic is obsessed with drinking and it's getting in the way. My back hurts, my head hurts, fill in the blank with whatever hurts. I'm tired. I hate my job. I didn't get any sleep because the kids kept me up. My medicine is affecting my sex drive. I'm overweight and I don't feel good about myself so I can't be with you. Let me just lose some weight, make some more money, fix my back, get some sleep and then I can be with you. The doctor said my testosterone is good and I'm healthy. I don't know why I don't want to have sex with you.

Last few years:

I have felt: alone, sad, depressed, confused, fed up, pissed, angry, unloved, unwanted, dejected, suffocated, resentful, hurt, intense pain, uncontrollable sadness.

I have thought: I am better than this. How can I get out? Is an affair the way to feel better? What will I do with my kids if I leave? How will it affect them? Can I survive? He is a good provider in every other way. I am comfortable with almost everything. How can I leave just because of sex? You know, I am every man's dream-ready to do whatever you want!!! I want to feel appreciated, loved, desired, wanted. I want to hear how I turn him on, how I make him feel, how the time without me makes him want me more. I want to share my fantasies and have them come true. I want him to KNOW how much he has hurt me. Can therapy really help? Does his past have an true affect on him? Seriously?? Now you can't even get an erection? So you mean, if if you had some physical desire you actually can't? Could my luck get any worse or is this my final wake up call?? Is fixing his sleep apnea really going to help him connect with me emotionally? I think I know what I need to do. Here's my letter....dear....8 pages of my heart and soul. I am hurting and you need to know. Let me go or I will.

What he said when confronted: I cannot believe I hurt you so badly and deeply. I am ashamed and sorry. (3 great weeks of an emotional/intimate connection...no sex because of the lack of erection....and then back to the same. At which point I landed here on EP.)

I feel: sad, supported by EP, feeling in control, and ready to move on.

I am thinking: I have a plan. I will survive. I am worth it. I can find real love. I know he is out there waiting for me and someday I will look back and wonder why I waited so long.

He said when confronted: to be continued. He hasn't been yet. My plan is still forming :)
nutmeg99 nutmeg99
36-40, F
6 Responses Dec 2, 2012

Awesome story.. Go for it girl!

I feel: sad, supported by EP, feeling in control, and ready to move on.

I am thinking: I have a plan. I will survive. I am worth it. I can find real love. I know he is out there waiting for me and someday I will look back and wonder why I waited so long.

The best thing I have read about this story...
I totally support you on this. I think you are making the right decision, and so am I..
Lets plan plan plan.. for our happiness and take our lives back......

Thanks Uma....planning away:) I'm happy for us!!

Well I am not going to give you the easy way out. And if you still have love for this man you should fight for your marriage. I think often men feel a bit unwanted after the children come. Lets face it most men are just big kids. When we start treating them like children they start to act like children. It's not a big turn on to think about having sex with your mother. Start making him feel like the big strong man you married again. Ask his advise need him make him feel important. Be playful attentive, tell him how sexy he is to you, how much you appreciate his hard work and sacrifice to his family. Don't scold just walk around being your sexiest and attentive self. If you have kids get them out of the house for a weekend make it all about him. Tease tease tease but make him come to you if he wants relief. Be subtle go to bed with out cloths on if he ask you why tell him because your having trouble sleeping you get to hot at night. When he is asleep tease him until he is about 1/2 awake keep doing this until he wakes up full of desire pretend he's waking you up for sex then show him how much you enjoy being woken up. Men lose their manhood sometimes and you need to help him find it before another woman does it for you. Good luck

Wow. Really useless advice. Thanks for trying, though. I have done EVERYTHING you have said. I feel a bit defensive here so sorry for my rant.....if this issue creeped up after we had kids I would say we hit a bump in the marriage and try to fix some things. I am VERY aware of some of my shortcomings. I am quite introspective and work very hard to see my part in the breakdown. However, despite all my efforts we get no where. He is not wired this way and I have come to accept it. I love him with all my heart but he cannot show me how he loves me.....at least not with love making. I have catered to his manliness....I go to him for advice, I tell him how much I need him....I tell him how his strength is the center of this family. I compliment him and tease him, and and flirt like there is no tomorrow. He doesn't play back. He doesn't seem interested. IN fact...at times it makes him laugh or he tells me he's uncomfortable. Go to bed naked??? Been trying that one for years.....in all sorts of ways....sorry trudy. Your not helping me much on this one. Thanks for trying....perhaps someone who just has a small setback in their marriage could benefit from this advice. Not for a couple that has been dealing with this for the entire marriage.

And one more thought.....I PRAY that he would find another woman....it would explain a lot and I could have moved on years ago. No such luck. He has no sex drive. I'm sorry I can't let go of some of the things you said. FIGHT FOR MY MARRIAGE???? I have been fighting since the day I lost him....on our wedding night. There isn't an idea (from my head, my friends, my therapist) that I haven't tried....it is always met with rejection. It really is a lost cause. I have fought harder than anyone I know would have. I was ready to go 3 years ago and stayed to fight even harder. We went on a marriage weekend and I left with tons to work for myself and with each other. We had a tiny improvement but not much and it has just slipped farther away. I'm done. Sorry.....

Well if it is that way and you have tried everything maybe it is time to walk away. I had to walk away myself, it's really hard when you still love them I know from experience. There comes a time when you have to make a choice. When your spirit starts to die its time for self preservation to kick in. When you said he laughs at you that's cruel I hope you find happiness anyone who has tried that hard then is laughed at. No you do not deserve that and he does not deserve you. Good Luck

Good for you. Lend me some of your courage, will you?

Sure....anytime. Go for it....no more fear. Fear has its place....but not in my marriage.

You know, as an abstract thought, not just in relation to your experience, but in relation to any such situation, maybe you want sex too much, <b>OR</b> he wants sex too little; the old, old dilemma of mismatched libido. In ways, that could be too paltry as way of explanation, in other ways it could just be the buffer at which the train comes to a complete stop and can go no further, no matter what.<br />
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The wiser, longer established members of this forum seem to have come to the conclusion and consensus long ago that, in fact, not all men are perpetual hornballs, with a ready-to-go erection. Nor, for that matter, are all women sexually repressed and only looking to proffer it in exchange for worldly goods or practical services.<br />
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It makes perfect sense to me and by way of explanation is as good as any. As a answer ie solution, it is, of course, complete crap. And about as useful as a chocolate fire-guard.<br />
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It sounds as if you have implicitly, if not explicitly, accepted the situation for what it is and are starting to act accordingly.

I wish you the best dear. Don't let him keep u there with a pitty party of ' since I can't get it up ur just going to walk away?'

Why do you need to confront him at this point? You are on your way out. You just need to issue a statement and leave.