Too Afraid To Start OverI have a lot of single associates and friends and I see what they go through in their love lives, at least what is shared with me. It seems like the dating "game" is as much a game as ever. Humans are creatures of familiarity and comfort. We would rather maintain camp in a place with abundant resources and food even if wolves roam at night. We build a wall and put armed guards on a perimeter and we shoot the wolves instead of facing the great unknown. Will there be food out past these familiar walls? Suppose something worse than the wolf is lurking out there, somewhere? So many variables to consider when one is already "comfortable"...
But unhappy. Is the upheaval worth the price of the uncertainty? I guess it's a very simple equation. For some it is, for some it ain't. Most of us, are trapped in between. I'd be lying to myself if I said I couldn't start over. I know I *could*, but do I want to deal with the issues of that, when I live a comfortable enough life, and by tuning out the Him, I can live as freely as I please the only restriction being, I have NO love life. Yet I am married. Alone, but married. Then, there is no guarantee that if I were to separate from him or divorce that my life in general would be as good as it is now, and there would be no guarantee of improvement in the love department. I could end up being alone because I would be hyper vigilant about any new man. His traits, his ways, his every word and action. Can I even give another man a proper chance after all I've been through? Can I even trust again? I want to love again, but only in due time, but logically, I cannot see parting with all of the creature comforts at my disposal that are certain, for an uncertain future. That is illogical. It simply does not make sense.
I see these friends of mine going through the wringer with relationships. Crappy short term mates that give them VD, some I have never even heard of before. One of my associates, had been robbed by a man she was dating for a year or so. He spent the night ( a usual occurrence) but this time, left with about $400 that she had tucked up somewhere in the house. Another friend is being abused and taken advantage of...I could go on, and I do realize everyone's mileage varies, and nothing says this will be me...but would I be trading the safe encampment with abundance, only wolves to look out for on occasion...for treacherous terrain laden with tigers, bears and landmines? I take the testimony of others seriously when I can see that they speak truly about their life. Evidently, crappy relationships are an epidemic these days, whether you've taken vows or not. I can't justify trading a few turds for the whole lot in the sewer.
I dream of just walking away. Ha, walking away, and meeting a wonderful man with a beautiful soul and we can make one another happy as happy can get...happily ever after. Sadly, this marriage has shown me the truth about fairy tales. They are not real. No matter how hard you love and no matter how hard you work at it, sometimes the ship still sinks. I've become so shy. I feel so downtrodden from being ignored by Him, that I figure, "Maybe I'm not good enough to find a decent man." and so, then I become sad. He never says such cruel things, but it's in the things he doesn't say that speaks the loudest to me.
It's just too much sometimes. And I have no desire for it to become too much more.
I'm a total wuss.
Earthwalker4 31-35, F 16 Responses 1 Dec 2, 2012