Report From Opposite-land

Hello, and greetings from opposite-land, my new home!

Here in "I live in a ridiculously hot sex-filled relationship" (ILIARHSFR), sex is like air or water: plentiful, necessary, constantly available. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, and sometimes even while sleeping, my partner tells me I am the sexiest woman he's ever known. That I'm beautiful, interesting, smart, cute, special, amazing, etc---and then SHOWS me that with his body. Our mutual desire is volcanic, almost a constant eruption.

In ILIARHSFR, pleasure is celebrated, as is generosity, openness, spontaneity, creativity, and expressing your feelings without reservation. Sex is not parceled out according to some secret point system, or withheld as punishment for an unnamed crime, or used as a way to control the other person. It's a way to be MORE connected, to look into each other, not to tune out and just perform some rote physical act where each person is basically alone in the same bed.

Now I understand why people say "making love." It's not just to be romantic or cheesy, it's that the physical expression of love creates MORE love---and more love leads to more physical expression.

I didn't know ILIARHSFR really existed----I thought it was one of those mythical lands Hollywood dreams up, or a marketing fantasy used to sell Valentine's candy and Victoria's Secret. But not only does it exist, it's infinitely better, more exciting, fulfilling, and even deeper than I could have imagined. I have experienced feelings in ILIARHSFR I didn't even know I had in me. Truthfully, it's so intense at moments, it can be scary---like discovering suddenly there is a 4th dimension or that you can read minds. But as a result, I am learning so much about myself. Tapping into primal feelings and needs that have never been elicited until now.

I don't know how long I will get to live here in ILIARHSFR. Maybe this is just a temporary stay and at some point I'll find myself in another new land. But I DO know that I will never, ever find myself back in a SM. Once you see the matrix, you can't go back to believing an artificial world is reality...

nyartgal nyartgal
36-40, F
38 Responses Dec 2, 2012

I would give any thing to have a relationship like you and your husband. It must be great.

Firewalk: Are you willing to give up your sexless marriage in order to have the kind of relationship you long for? That's what I did -- divorced after 34 years, and now I'm two years into a relationship with the love of my life.

Yes I am trying to get out now. I just seems to be taking for ever.

A good individual therapist, excellent lawyer and supportive, wise friends helped a lot when I divorced. Do you have any of those things yet? ILIASM could also offer support.

I have none of those things. I have been trapped like thi8ns for over 10 years. This is going to be some thing that I will have to do alone as always. Don't worry I am used to it. I have never had any one that I could count on. So why should this be any different?

Firewalker, you are choosing to be miserable as, apparently, you've always chosen to be. You must be living the life you want.

More than two years later and it's still great. We have a 10 month old, so as you can imagine we aren't having sex 3x per day like before! Even if a week goes by it's no big deal. It's still spontaneous, romantic and wonderful whenever we have sex.

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What a wonderful story! A dream come true, life as it should be.
I am very tempted to copy this and send it to my refuser... but why? It would be a waste of some wonderful prose and she wouldn't get it.
I am so very tired or I would write more.

Now that I'm out, I can look back and laugh at "Sex is not parceled out according to some secret point system". But while married, I could swear my ex had a point system.

Are we crazy to want this? Sometimes i feel like a whiner. But then i just get angry at him again. Love your story, put a big smile on my face.

Lucky *****! (couple) : (

That is wonderful news, Nyartgal! I have a passport already. How do I apply for a visa so I can visit and work on emigrating?

As I began reading I was almost angered at the thought you could brag about your life to such a helpless hurt population. As I continued to read I realized the message of hope you were delivering. I too lived the crazy lie of a marriage (18 years) though it's been 5 years now since I have been free , I too feel the weight lifted off caused by the years of rejection. A new normal life including wonderful sex is just a decision away....

Yes, I'm in that wonderful opposite land now. I had not known what "making love" was until after I got out of my more than 30-year marriage. It is amazing being loved -- sexually and emotionally -- like this!

I don't believe you. Soon you'll be telling us that the Easter bunny exists and poops rainbows.

Good for you.....thanks for sharing.

This made me laugh out loud! "Sex is not parceled out according to some secret point system, or withheld as punishment for an unnamed crime" practically describes my situation perfectly. She has said, "Do you ever want sex again?" as if she could do without it, so I better act like she wants. She says it in jest, but I swear she means it!
Please let me know the directions to ILIARHSFR land. I'd like to visit someday! ;)

Yes that sentence perfectly describes my STBX. Even her prescriptions to fix the marriage and avoid divorce begin with "I will give you all the sex you want, only if you change and do this and that ..."

How long has this been going on?


Bravo! This is truly an amazing feeling that you have. Thanks for sharing. Keep up the good work NYArtGal.

My first wife and I were always having sex, experimenting, being bold, pushing limits, etc. It ended when she became an addict and there was obviously nothing more I could do for her. My current wife... same thing re: sex! All the time, anywhere, adventurous, multiple times daily, spontaneous, brazen, bold... oh the things we did to each other and a few very good friends. One day though it all fell started slowing down... a bit here, a bit there until we've pretty much got to the point of rationing sex out to each other, and not on a "routine" basis but on a "few and far between" basis.

Something dulled our desires... perhaps parenthood, perhaps age, perhaps the realities of life... perhaps???

These days it's months between, if I'm lucky.

It sounds fixable, if you both want to do the work. At least based on the info you've provided...

My story 'Penisland' is exactly like this one, lol. I hope your marriage will work out

My marriage is over, but my life is just beginning!

Yes, Virginia, there is a sex-filled marriage!

Or at least a love affair...

Agreed, time for a rewrite. How about Yes, Virginia, there is a sex-loving soul mate?

<p>Yes, there sure is an ILIARHSFR. Enjoy!<br />
Cheering for you!!!</P>

Isn't it amazing? It's like we escaped to the other side of the mirror.

OK, nyartgal, from the responses I get it.

Anybody over 60 had success? Perhaps it is a biased sample but women my age seem to want financial comfort rather than physical.

Baz &amp; Enna aren't over 60 but they are the first to shout loudly that there is life after SM, no matter the age. I think they are mid-late 50's? Not sure.

Actually we are sixty (almost sixty one!) and sixty one. Even we oldies can get it on GTR!

My Mom got remarried at 68---she's now 74 and tells me all the time that they have a great sex life! It's never too late, with the right person....

LNG, my happy partner in ILIARHSFR, will be 60 soon.

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When we were dating, I remember this place. Hope to get back.

This is such an amazing story. I once lived in this land and have never doubted its existence. I will be back there too. Thank you for helping keep the faith!

nyartgal, what a success story! You inspire and encourage me to continue my path toward ILIARHAFR!

Right now I don't see your point. Bragging? Taunting us? Perhaps I am just getting too cynical.

No, it's a "run towards the light" post. But I can understand why they seem a bit odd on this board.

No. They fit here. Many people believe that there is really not a better alternative and that they will be alone and unhappy, so they convince themselves to stay. These types of posts motivate many to continue working at getting out or getting somewhere better. If you feel that it's bragging then I think you are still working your own personal feelings about the progress you've seen in your SM. This place should NOT be a place of misery and commiserating, but a place of hope and inspiration. There's plenty reason to have hope.

Ha! The point is to pierce the total mind **** of the SM. The head trip that having a partner who refuses to do the most basic and natural act imaginable with the person he or she supposedly loves is somehow NORMAL. It ain't. You can go back and read all my stories and see that I have been on the same journey as most people here (aside from the tiny minority who have seen progress). I too didn't believe it could be better on the other side, but hearing from Baz and Enna and Vaguestbaby and others was inspirational to me. I'm trying to provide a light at the end of the lonely tunnel as well...

So why the **** do all I see are the women proclaiming that they have reached enlightenment.

Because it's not as unacceptable for guys to say this too loudly.

Not only is it not normal to refuse the most basic act of intimacy and connection... it's not normal to only have intimacy under certain conditions or on a timetable. Intimacy is not something that should be bartered or manipulated. That's not sex that I'm talking about... intimacy. But sex shouldn't be bartered either. Being with others intimately can be just easy. All these hoops just aren't necesssary.

Baz and Vaguestbaby are men and they talk about it all the time on this board. Keep reading here. It's not only women who have found happiness...

It seems like women leave more quickly than men, on the average. Men have more issues with custody and alimony I think.

I doubt it. I just think guys are put off by sounding like they're bragging or coming across as slightly creepy. But I don't see an asymmetry with respect to being 'stuck'.

When planning the meetup there definitely appeared to be more women who were both out of the marriage and capable of traveling to the meetup. In talking to some men it does seem like women launch out quicker or at the very least have more freedom to travel earlier in the breakup process. The women FAR outnumbered the men and of those who were able to come 3 out of 5 were still in the marriage. I think all the women had left. And there were 16-ish women and 5 men.

Fair enough, I stand corrected. My opinion was based on gut feeling.

There are lots of men who post about the joys of their new FUNCTIONAL relationships here. I'm thinking at present of OyTVC15 and Lao Tsu, but I know there are many more. Change and Nyartgal are entirely correct. Thoswe of us who have left and found happiness in new relationships are NOT here to gloat!! We are here to help others see that this IS possible for them too.

One of the first posts I ever read here was by Kung Fu Chic (whom some old timers will remember!) and she said something like "It is perfectly all right to leave a marriage because it is sexless." That was a BEACON for me. I found the journey of those "ahead" of me was inspirational, comforting, supportive and encouraging. This is what I hope to be for those who come after me. . . .

Oh, I'm definitely one of those who cheers this stuff. And I genuinely believe that it's important that people stuck in sexless marriages see stories of this type.

[In fact I feel slightly guilty for cheering when I see someone declaring they're 'done' after some ridiculous number of years of trying, repeated talks, pleas ultimatums; and feeling tight-lipped when I see a another tale of someone in similar circumstances giving it 'one more try'. I do try and be balanced and open minded.]

But I also recognise a bit of where GTR1400 was coming from, I remember really not wanting to hear about other people's great sex lives. I guess I didn't want to know about what I believed to be an unreachable feast, while I was starving.

It's pretty understandable why I 'switched off' and was irritated by the constant media bombardment of sex as a marketing tool, while I was stuck in an SM (I managed about half an episode, total, of 'Sex in the City'). It took a while to grasp that I was simultaneously blanking out useful information about normal sex at the same time.

Not wanting to hear about other people's great sex lives makes sense but only because it magnifies what you didn't have. Things are clearer and brought into sharp focus under magnification. That can be hard to face. The thing is, we have all been there. We understand your plight. We understand the pain. We also understand the process of getting out, healing and finding functional relationships that include (but are not ALL about) sex. It's not bragging, it's confirming and challenging you to reach for something greater.

Should say, it's past tense for me - I'm an SM escapee who also makes occasional comments in a similar vein to nyartgal's posting (e.g. see my first reply to the original post). But I do feel slightly conflicted about doing so.

For me, I was so beaten down by years of rejection that I genuinely thought that no-one would be interested in me, in part, these feelings helped trap me. It was irrational, but it's what an SM does. For this reason I think it's valuable to tell people on this board that actually there's an awful lot of normal people in the world who like sex. That's not to say that dating again is pain free, or that the whole intimacy, love, emotional-bond, soul-mate thing is easy to find, just that it's not a barren wilderness. It certainly beats the emotional starvation of an SM, or at least that's my experience.

However, I am slightly uncomfortable about brazenly telling people I'm getting laid and that it's fabulous (it is by the way) - it's not something I'd normally announce in public to strangers. But in this forum that kind of 'silent politeness' is ridiculous, sh1t I'd suggests that it's precisely because talking honestly about sex is a bit of a taboo that we ended up in the cr@ppy situations we did. I do worry though, that it seems like bragging and as I've said, I can understand why someone still stuck in a SM might not want to hear this sometimes. I know I might not have while I was trapped, although I certainly needed to.

IFMH, beautifully summarised.

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The real world, where most people like a root.

So simple, yet so unbelievable when speculated upon from a base of a shithole marriage.

Tread your own path.

Love it! I have relocated too.

Opposite land is brain-bending after a SM. And body-bending too. :-)

Congratulations!! Isn't this place just amazing? Better than Candyland or Disneyland or Graceland or anyplace I've been.

I feel a little like I should send out "change of address" notes to everyone I know. Don't you? ;)

yes. It's so easy to be with him. He is easy to talk to, snuggle with, touch, kiss, sleep with AND have hot sex with. Sometimes it feels like a dream.

Thanks for sharing and letting us know that opposite land does really exist and seems to be pretty wonderful!!! There may be something to look forward to after all...I am so happy for you!

There IS. Happy it helped to inspire you!

Gosh, to see former ILIASM members reach the land of ILIARHSFR is inspiring.

I can't wait to reach it myself.

So happy for you!!!

Thanks, JP! You too will reach the Promised Land. Soon!

I am in much the same situation. I have gone from rejected and sexless to totally accepted and loved. We both have told each other we never thought we would fell like that with another person again but we do. It is wonderful!

So great to hear that. I hope you share your story too. We all need inspiration!

Wonderful! I knew Opposite Land existed!!

Definately smiling for you right now - and for myself... It's one thing to dream, but it's nice to get a note from the other side of the galaxy once in a while!

Good for you!

I really didn't believe it...until I landed here...:)

I would like this to be mandatory reading for those who delude themselves into believing that there is only awfulness awaiting those who leave. I would like this to inspire those who choose to stay and yet maintain they are helpless to make a choice. I would like this to move those who fear to embrace that fear and walk out the door anyway. One life to live and Nyartgal, you are living it. Rated up!

Thank you---it really is so important to be inspired and hear from people who made it across the burning coals to the other side. I hope it helps someone here...I am so grateful for all the stories that helped me in so many ways...

THANK YOU for this. It is exactly what I need to know and what I anticipate when this is (my marriage) is said and done.

Glad to help!

Excellent nyartgal !! Thanks for the encouragement this gives me to escape (and reach the bliss of ILIARHSFR )

You can do it!!

I'm always a bit leery of reporting this type of thing from the male side of the fence (although I've done it a bit), because I don't want to be seen as 'locker room bragging' (kind of understandable that I didn't like listening to that type of talk much, what with spending most of my adult life in a sexless marriage). But yes, it's mind boggling to get back into the world of normal people who actually enjoy sex and want plenty of it, and do everything to encourage this. And similarly I've a lover who not only wants and enjoys a highly sexed relationship, but also wants intimacy, honesty, love, etc...

I completely understand your end statements, it would be impossible to go back. In fact, even though it's only been a year, I can't fully understand why I stayed for so long - it's almost like I was hypnotised.

I'll end by saying what I think should be said repeatedly. For those of you still stuck, who think that there's likely nothing out there on the other side, because you fear no-one will want you. You're not rational, repeated rejection is bound to make you think that. There's plenty of normal people out there. And to be soppy - romance isn't dead.

So true. I still find it impossible to understand why my H didn't want what I have to offer---and I probably never will. It is some sort of hypnosis or brainwashing, for sure.

Who wants "normal people" when you can have wild and crazy fun? Romance is definitely NOT dead ... though it does seem to be playing hide-and-seek with me atm ... Rock On artgal of ny!

Once you take the red pill, you see it all for the nonsense it was don't you? So happy for you xx


I am happy for you!

Thank you!

So happy for you! Please keep posting ... People here need to know how it can it should be.
Thank you!

Thank you, I will try to keep you guys updated. Whatever happens with this person, I am definitely in a new and better place.

Love it! Girl, you figure out how to get BETTER come get me and take me with you.