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Confused Emotions

I cheated. I felt like I was in my own empty world of silence. No one openly talks about the lack of intimacy in their relationship. Especially not a woman. Society often makes us believe that women are supposed to be desired and that men are supposed to be the chasers. What happens when the roles are reversed and the woman no longer feels like the woman? You silently cry at night, hoping things will get better, knowing deep down inside, you’re loosing a piece of you. Should you ever feel guilty for your desires, your thoughts, your urgent need to please? No, but I did. Until, I met someone else who shared my pain. This someone else was never meant to be. We started off as great friends, had fun with each other, understood each other. Then it became much more--- fast. It has been a year and a half since I have secretly had my affair. He was fun, he satisfied my desires, as I satisfied his. He was comfortable, familiar. Our loneliness connected us. We relied on each other to fulfill the void we both did not receive from our spouses. Now, I’m in deep. I love this man, and want the best for him. I know he can not be mine, never. But, the thought of losing him drives me crazy. My husband has tried and has been trying to connect with me. I too have tried with him. Things are much better for the two of us. But I still think of the other guy; still want more. I’ve gotten myself in way too deep. Advice? Thoughts?
confusedemotions confusedemotions 26-30, F 6 Responses Dec 2, 2012

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I can be of no help because I also am to the point where I would cheat just for any kind of sexual relation, I feel unwanted and less than desirable . At the end of my rope

I have been where you are and know how tough it is to get through, as the old saying goes time heels everything. I am assuming you know that you aren't leaving so you have to just let go of the other, not easy but can be done. The problem is that whatever made you look in the 1st place needs to be resolved or else you might find yourself going down the same path, but this time you will bew wiser and will not get emotionally involved. Best of luck to you

Baz got it said. Do the therapy thing. Things are netter in your marriage for some reason. Run with it for a while.

Disconect from the other guy. You do not want that emotion to control the outcome of your current relationship.

You will learn so much in therapy and try and get you H to go as well.

You have a chance here!

Will take some informed choices to unravel this one.

Do you know how a divorce would shake out for you ? If not, find out. You are at high risk of this happening - either by your choice or your spouses when he finds out what's going on.

Is you marriage worth saving ? Maybe some individual counselling for you and some joint counselling for you and husband would give you a clue on that.

Not much point in factoring in the other dude into your thinking at this point. He has his own choices to make. Your husband too - when / if he becomes cognisent of all the facts.

You can (and should) be concentrating on YOUR choices. They are the only thing you can control here. Do your best to make them INFORMED choices.

Tread your own path.

Everyone has a need to feel desired. We also want what we can't have. Your affair satisfied both needs. However, it sounds like you and your hubby are still trying to work through your issues at home and now seem to have a better relationship for it. That's a good thing, isn't it?

Life is filled with what ifs. It sounds like you're asking yourself, "What if this with the other guy?" Or is it that the issues you and hubby had have gone on for too long and you're both too far gone?

Confused - this is part of what I fear about the incredibly powerful urge I have to find what I need outside the marriage. By definition, if you find what you're looking for, you no longer need what you 'have' (even though you could easily argue the cold spouse was never there for you anyway).

I guess the fact that you said you can 'never' have this other one is the real clincher and puts a whole different twist on it (vice someone you may permanently be with if you left).

A few movies have made reference to this “When he reached the New World, Cortés burned his ships. As a result, his men were well motivated.”... its kind of the same thing in relationships. As long as you have each hand on a seperate life-line, you will be torn.

Again, I'm not sure if 'never' with this man truly means never, but I would think, as painful as it may be, you have to let go of one of these lines else be in this state of confusion whipping your head from one side to the other.

Good luck, :)