One Year Update Of Leaving A Sexless Marriage......that Which Does Not Kill Us........doesn't kill us....
Coming up on my one year anniversary of leaving my sexless relationship, and oh, what a year it has been!
Rewind....Christmas Day....1 year ago
The BIG explosion and final breakup. Left my house for a month and a half and moved in with my sister and told him...take what you want...just LEAVE, I will come back when I am gone. And, he took a LOT of stuff. But, it was all well worth it to finally have him out and gone.
Fast Forward: Yesterday
Spent the day with him and my daughter and had a great time. He has a new girlfriend, he FINALLY is on medication, and we are friends. We are both relieved it is over, and we have moved past the bitter/sad phase which didn't really fully settle to around two months ago.
This past year I started a relationship with a neighbor who had been a previous friend. However, I appear to have a panache for picking men who are in one way or other unavailable to me. He is unsure if a serious relationship is what he wants long term (something that he has been pretty contradictory about with me). It hasn't been easy with him in the middle of an unresolved divorce, a very busy work schedule, and apparently, some deep seated intimacy issues! The relationship has felt so good and right in so many ways, it seemed that we really were going somewhere great. But, a big fight uncovered some underlying tensions, and here we are....
The GOOD news (and this is better in my mind then a happily ever after ending with any man) is that I completely broke my old patterns and handled the situation in a healthy way. YAY for me (really)! Despite this being a really wonderful relationship in a lot of ways (and it is...he is a good man, generous, compassionate, ethical, a great father to his daughter, kind and supportive of me on a lot of levels, very good sex), I told him that I will no longer continue to invest my energy and devotion to a man who does not CHOOSE me. He wants to keep seeing each other in his 'decision' period but I am so not interested in playing to that dynamic. I think what he really wants is the reassurance and safety of keeping me near without the need to make a real decision. If anyone can recognize someone trying to buy time to avoid a decision, it is a person who lived through a sexless marriage.
I can't be in a relationship with someone who does not know if HE wants to be in a relationship. And, I am sure as hell not going to be put on parole while he decides whether he wants to pursue a future with me or not.
So, I told him that I don't want to see or talk to him at all until he makes his own decision. I did it with respect and compassion. I held my own. I called him out on his ****. I owned mine. I told him the reasons I believe the relationship was worth pursuing, but I also stressed I had ZERO interest in remaining in any relationship if it is not mutually advocated for and wanted.
He has a history of choosing either women who are emotionally or (literally) unavailable...or women who he would never pick for a long time companion. With me, he has no where left to run but out of the relationship.
I am not putting myself at constant risk of hurt and rejection so that HE can feel safe in his procrastination process.
Meanwhile, I am going to live my life and if he decides to come to the table that will be great. If not, I will be fine.
I know now that I will be fine either way. It took a lot for me to work up to doing this....a lot of self honesty and a lot of sitting through fear and sadness. But, now, that I actually did it, I don't feel bad.
I feel peaceful. I feel self-respect. I feel hopeful, even.
My god, as a co-dependent, I never thought I would live to see the day I would come to this place. The place of my own freedom.
I am so proud of myself today, I could just burst.