I Live In a Sexless Marriage

My Decision

By: nutmeg99

Written on December 3rd, 2012

Thank you EP. I came here looking for support and ideas on how to survive this marriage. I was at my lowest point-I figured people living this every day would surely know ways to get the spouse to want more....to want me. Instead, I came to my senses. You have enlightened me so quickly, so easily in ways none of my friends and certain family members ever could. They have been supportive over the years-in fact they even suggested leaving him and said things like, "Are you going to want to feel like this in 5, 10 , 15 or more years?" I just didn't believe that they truly understood-they were happy and in fulfilling relationships....how could they get it? It was easy from the outside looking in to judge. But not you. You are all living this every day. You KNOW what the pain feels like and some of you have moved on and seen the light. I want the light.

The light is different for each person. I am still defining that. What I know is that I am leaving. I have the beginnings of a plan. I have support in my life. I have 2 beautiful, amazing children who will survive this with me because I am a loving, awesome parent.

Here's the part I did not anticipate. Now that I am at peace with my decision....now that I am not obsessed with thinking about the intimacy we lack and how to fix it....now I am seeing all the other things I can't stand. It's AMAZING to me, how much I put up with that was overshadowed by this issue.

Thanks again EP.

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By: nutmeg99

Age: 36-40 , Female

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9 responses

Buroak

Dear Nutmeg,

Congratulations on reaching your decision. I am perhaps just a little bit ahead of you in this process. One thing of late that I have noticed is how I have shifted my focus from the past and present to a focus on the future. I was for so long obsessed with replaying past events (good and bad), but now I look to a future that is bright (like you said...moving toward the light). It's like mourning the death of a loved one...grief.
I wish you the best. Now that you have made your decision, it is possible to move towards something better. Once you start down the path toward a new life, try not to look back!
Best wishes to you!

Dec 4, 2012
2 likes
enna30

Well done! It is amazing how we are able to see more clearly once we have made a decision about the "elephant in the room" - the absence of sex. Whilst dealing with that issue, it is SO large it obscures all the other issues that are occurring.
Also, once you accept that YOU can do nothing more to "fix" things, you allow yourself the freedom to genuinely acknowledge and accept what is truly happening. Prior to this, you are so busy fighting the war that you cannot admit, even to yourself, that the battles are raging on more fronts than you are currently addressing!!
Such clarity can be painful and the choices it forces on you are hard to make and even harder to execute. But seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (excuse my mixed metaphors!) WILL help you get through this time. {{{hugs}}}

Dec 3, 2012
1 like
- nutmeg99
  Thank you enna!!! (Especially the hugs!) The support here is overwhelming. I made my attorney appointment today. My stomach was in knots right before I made the call. I feel so much relief now that I did. It was an important step for me. I am still a mixed bag of crazy emotions....but that's what EP is for, right?
  
  Dec 3, 2012
  1 like
Alljackedup

Right behind you! I have an appointment with a attorney next week and have been working on getting passwords changed,, opened a checking acct, got a p.o. box and other things.
Its not fun to try and wrap my mind around what is going to happen because i would much rather something be done to fix it. Its not something that can be fixed. So when i say roght behind you do know im not stalking you! Lol Good just hope things go better for you then they will for me.

Dec 3, 2012
2 likes
uma1980

I am so very Happy for you that you have made your decision. You may want to make a plan. Put it down into writing, the steps. We are here to give you what we know and have learnt, and also to learn from your journey.. Keep writing and letting it all out.. I think that whats getting us closer to our happiness..

Dec 3, 2012
3 likes
neuilly

I know exactly what you are saying. And it gets worse, because once you decide to leave, once you made the decision, you have absolutely NO patience left for this stuff, Your spent.
Your tired of walking on eggshells, and walking miles around subjects, and simply trying to keep peace within yourself.

Dec 3, 2012
7 likes
- nutmeg99
  EXACTLY!!! No patience, no anything. I am done. I hate that I have to pretend for a bit more until I get it all figured out. I don't expect it will end well. I'm expecting a lot of spite on his end.
  
  Dec 3, 2012
  1 like
LaoTzu

You chose the red pill and now see the Matrix for what it is. There is greater clarity of thoughts and feelings and you know the score.Often we are our own harshest critics, so as you move forward, and find your own path, remember to treat yourself with kindness. Be well.

Dec 3, 2012
4 likes
bazzar

Oftentimes, initial posters say "everything is great bar the sex".
At one level, they say this because they sort of believe it to be so. But it rarely holds up under close scrutiny. The sex issue is inevitably a symptom.
One of this boards good things (although also one of the confronting things about it) is that just about everything gets put under scrutiny.
Tread your own path.

Dec 3, 2012
3 likes

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