Feeling Too Good Feels BadIn my years of this struggle, with this SM I see a pattern of me trying to live as my best, healthiest version of myself (exercising, eating clean, etc.) and then reverting to "giving up,' not being able to pull it off, reverting to the lifestyle my husband lives (low activity, tv, horrible food).
As I left kettlebell class yesterday the thought came to me that should seem obvious, but for whatever reason I didn't connect things: When I am exercising and eating a clean diet, my sex drive is THROUGH the roof. So I quit when that drive has no place to go because it's unbearable...
A life of no activity and ridiculous food choices is killing my husband's drive and--- I am afraid to say --- my attractiveness to him.
It's not about looks. It doesn't take reaching one's health/weight goals to start to get that GLOW of life from exercising and eating healthy. A couple weeks and it's on. It's not about being a "certain size" at all --- there's more to it than that. But, it's hard to explain.
So here I am, heading into two months of living the lifestyle I dream of -- hitting my health goals, feeling awesome inside and out -- and I have this ridiculously high passion and drive that has to go unsatiated because he literally has NONE. The other night I was going to pursue HIM just to see where it would go -- he climbed into bed complaining about gas from the pizza he ate... (okay... for better or for worse, but really? how could I then pursue him??). He is not in a healthy state - sex is the last thing on his mind. And I don't need candles and moonsong, but things did not smell good if you catch my drift... sorry..... feel horrible saying that out loud, but want to paint an accurate picture... I am not a neat freak, but a shower.. something is in order after that, but I didn't want to ask him -- he felt sick to his stomach. Okay, so wait till the next night.... but I don't know. I am having trouble wanting to pursue him. ugh.
I have tried for years to include him on my health journey -- he WON'T eat anything I cook... doesn't like this or that or another.. I try to include him on recreation activities that have us DOING something, but he complains and zaps the fun and life out of me so I'd rather not have him along anyway.
I don't know. How we take care of ourselves does matter -- whether we are the refused or refuser. Now I feel I am reverting to the refuser, only the funny thing about that is that he never pursues, so how can I refuse? I am simply not trying with him anymore because I am finding myself not that attracted to him.
My moral dilemma -- okay, he is going through "his worse" right now..... you aren't supposed to give up on someone at that point. Was he there for me during my worse? I did have a worse phase -- major depression -- spent the weekends barely unable to get out of bed after some tramautic events in our life. I did let myself go at that time. He was there, yes, but we had stopped having sex long before that happened, so -- honestly lack of intimacy and connection and touch could have been part of what drove me there in the first place. He was "there" in the other room -- playing video games. I pulled out of the depression through some tough spiritual inner work -- but I have been back and forth since with truly living my authentic self. I get to feeling GOOD and it feels TOO good for THIS life......
Does that make sense to anyone at all?
Is it ME?? Is it all just me? Or what? What am I not doing right here.
Just getting this out there, I suppose.
Edited to add: I feel so put together, so "wise" and calm in most all other areas of my life, but when it comes to my marriage -- a mess... I appreciate the guidance from wise folks here, because I am stuck in this area of my life.