Breaking It Down Into Concrete Immediate Steps : My Final 4 Week Plan To Make It Work..

I have made 2 plans, and will fill in on them as I go. One is the short term 4 weeks to make it work.
The second would be the long term, which would be determined by what happens in the next 4 weeks.

Step 1: Acknowledge the truth.
Be at peace with it. Dont be emotional about it. Process is as information, facts, incidents, not as "I cant believe God did this to me!"
In my story "Finally a change to Happiness" I have worked on acknowledging, accepting the truth, like an adult.

Step 2: Communicate the truth.  
The fact that change is not going to happen without proactive intervention. If both partners dont have the same need for a change, then there is not much the one partner who does want it can do about it.
 Making an intervention plan, and following through with it is the most important part. Discussing it with DH without getting emotional/angry is important.

Step 3: Determine What you want your present truth to be.
Something concrete like:
a)I want him to have sex with me x no of times a week/month whichever. 
b) to indulge in foreplay.
c) to pursue me.
d) to be able to kiss me.
e)to touch me in a sexual way.
Then kind of try to determine,
a) does he have the will to do it.
b)does he have the ability to do it.
( I think this step 3 would be helpful to discuss with a sex therapist, without getting all emotional about it.)

Step 4: In the immediate short term.
4 weeks: for DH to see a
a) Sex therapist
b) Counselor
c) Would it be a urologist or fix his testosterone levels?
(pls fill in here, I really dont know what speciality would that be, who is the man's version of a gynaecologist?)
d)Also do we need to see an internal medicine family doctor first to fix that?
(we really havent done any of that except he getting a prescription for cialis.
But looks like after 11 years he may be willing to accept intervention. I hope thats the case.

Step 5: Set a Concrete time limit:
2 Days to get all the appointments.
4 weeks for my husband to seek help, work on it. 

Step constant : Dream, dream of the good life, make a list of things you see yourself doing in your new changed life. The positives. The Happiness. Talk about it. Because this is what it is all about. This is the reason, the It, thats going to give me the strenght to keep going..
uma1980 uma1980
31-35, F
5 Responses Dec 3, 2012

If it continues to be YOU who has to hunt this along, without him lifting an inert finger to help, you will have to deliver on your consequence (whatever you have decided that is to be).

You'd do no harm at all to get that consequence (whatever you have decided what that is to be) firmed up and in do-able shape.

He shows no sign of being invested in the process at all. That would indicate that there can be no sustainable change, thus, the ball of choice will be coming back to you quite soon. Be ready.

Tread your own path.

Uma, the best you can hope for in four weeks is to get the ball rolling. If you want everything to be "done and dusted" in that time, abandon your plan and go straight to the Exit.

I suggest you set the plan in motion with a view to seeing if, during your period of absence, your husband can turn things around for himself. Make that expectation very clear to him.

But be prepared for the fact that, even if he DOES turn things around, a prolonged absence from him may well be the final nail in the coffin for you. Don't make him ANY promises you may not be able to keep.

appointments set up! Check 1!!

Who do men see for their man problems? Would that be a urologist?

Thanks for the practical advice. Got the appts, set the dice rolling..

I recently found that I have testerone levels below 200 which is the insurnace level of concern. I took the test twice, first one 260ish and the second one 180. The score can vary a little bit, so you may I would suggest a little lenientcy if he is the 200's to low 300. The healthy range is something like 250-1100. The timeline for getting started for me was: Doc visit then 5 days for test results which were told to me over the phone, appt 3 days later, prescription that night, follow up 3 weeks later to find that my levels had risen to 350ish. So I think your 4 weeks is in line personally, at least to get a mountainous start. I can't tell you if he would start having his libido back at that point because even with low levels I had a high libido. I went in for fatigue and depression, but for those symptoms I noticed a change within the first 2 weeks.

I also like your rapid timelines! What is sad is that it takes looking over the cliff before they look for the rope!!

Thanks a lot for that info.

Hey but what you are telling me about the testesterone levels is making me wonder whether its going to help him or not. I think when we see the doctor I have to focus on the ED and not just the testosterone.

What is sad is that it takes looking over the cliff before they look for the rope!!
So perfectly put!.

I actually had to say some really mean things, to him to get to act and respond. He understands Fully Well now his deadline to Act.

Testosterone is weird... It controls lots of things. I also did a sleep study as well and that doctor pointed out that I could be not sleeping well because our bed was stressor... I assume ED could be another one of those multifaceted problems. Good luck!!!

1 More Response

Hi there. My husband was recently diagnosed by his doctor with low testosterone levels, and I have been advised that this can be the cause of so much of the stuff he is faced with. It's part of my own reasoning why I just don't want to say screw this, just yet. I mean, he has a legit medical problem and it makes sense given the symptoms. I want to help him. I like your plan, I may borrow it for myself with some alterations since in my case, we know for a fact that he has this health issue. I just wonder how long he has had the low testosterone...we have been virtually sexless (I'm usually the initiator) for about 3 years now. I have seen the decline. I wish you the best of luck.