What is special?  How do you treat someone special?  How do you know if they received it as something special?  If the giver thinks it special, but the receiver does not think its special, is it special?  Oh yeah, you told me how you wanted to be treated...  But then you said I wasn't listening....  So if you know I am not a good listener then why do keep trying to tell me?

Is trying to find out how to treat a woman special kind of like "if you have to ask the price then you can't afford it..".  

Is special just an excuse that alleviates a person from acknowledging fault in falling out of love?  Is there really anyone at fault for someone falling out of love?  If a person doesn't feel special, for 8 yrs, what keeps that person in the relationship?? Why am I the one that has to say it is time to talk about separating? 

 It sounds like you are the one that is so unhappy...  Why don't you end things?  Oh that's right because you are suppose to work at this stuff, marriage isn't easy right?  You work day after day for the rest of your life and if nothing changes, then you continue into the afterlife... But the important thing is you didn't give up right?  You kept working at it?  Progress doesn't matter, actions don't matter, just keep thinking about it some more.  Hell and if I run out of patience waiting then it will be my fault for quitting too soon....  Boy, this guy you are married sounds like a real turd!!

Yes, there is renewed trouble in river city....  All over the place, sorry about that...  Just frustrated this morning...
Usernametbd Usernametbd
36-40, M
3 Responses Dec 3, 2012

***I finally got her to admit that MAYBE I am just not the right person***<br />
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Oh, bloody hell! You pushed enough buttons, in random combination, until you could only get this answer. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophesy. For BOTH of you. She would tell you this even if you were the right person, even if you ARE the right person.<br />
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She is so self-indulgently wallowing in her self-manufactured misery that she might as well be wearing a crown of thorns and flagellating herself while rubbing salt and vinegar into the subsequent wounds.<br />
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If you leave her maybe she will find someone or something else to blame or maybe she will find out a version of the truth.<br />
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No matter how much someone is on your case, you have to figure out how much of it is just down to you, either because you create it yourself or if you accept it when you do not need to or have to. I suspect that you have now reached that realisation point.<br />
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Good luck to you, honestly. You have found YOUR reality.

I appreciate the poke in the eye... I needed it after writing that comment. It is definitely an example of forcing reality. One of the things I have been challenged with is this whole dilemma has been so surreal... she would never acknowledge anything, so I was left thinking that I should be in a padded room somewhere. Thanks!

I gather your position of "acceptance" of a couple of weeks ago proved to be unsustainable.

It seems that you can continue your studies into what makes her tick, what interesting mental condition she may have, what syndrome it is that causes her refusive behaviour. And, at the end of that process, in another couple of years or so, accept that even if you KNEW what her "why" was you can't fix it anyway, and that her refusive behaviour is there, and there for good. And, you'll have to scrub her.

Conversely, you could see right now that she is intimacy averse to you, and scrub her right now.

Depends on whether you have a couple of years to **** up against the wall really.

Tread your own path.

Yes, the acceptance part has run its course. Your second paragraph says it all.... I am no longer interested in the course material and I have put soo much **** on the wall that has broken down and I am trying to walk toward the light... that's actually kind of gross, but what the hey..

Thanks!! your moniker of "Tread your own path" has been a staple of mine to reference often.

<p>Unhappy people often project their unhappiness (or depression) onto an "outward" reason. In your case, your wife has a "catch all" reason - YOU don't make her feel "special". That is a very vague desc<x>ription that could mean anything at all.</p><p>I expect you have tried LOTS of things to achieve this aim - but none have worked, at least in the long term. And the fall-back position of "If you loved me you would KNOW what makes me feel special" is a particularly passive aggressive statement.</p><p>It seems obvious that nothing you do will get your wife to feel happy - almost certainly because that unhappiness is actually internal and HER problem - not your's.</p><p>I think you are moving to the position of realising that you are throwing your efforts down a well - that you could continue doing this for another eight (or forty!) years, with no signs of improvement. Start moving away from the efforts of trying to make her feel special. Treat her with kindness and respect - but regain your own self by stopping all the effort that gets you nowhere.</p>

I have tried what I thought would work... Guess it didn't. I finally got her to admit that maybe I am just not the right person. Sounds sad when I write it that way...

Thanks!! And I really appreciate your perspective in your stories about children, that has definitely been one of my final struggles.