Frustration Leads To Anger, Anger Has Not Yet Led To Hate...

So I guess this is the part where I tell my life story. Parents divorced when I was 5, leading my earliest conscious memories to be of the two of them screaming at each other - the divorce was NOT amicable. Despite that, I did pretty well as a young child, I was outgoing, gregarious, a natural leader of any group I deigned to be part of. At age 8, a young adult man down the street took a liking to me and tried very hard to persuade me to do things with him. I managed to put him off, but didn't tell anyone (I wish I had...), and we ended up moving to Texas the next summer. Somewhere around that time, my personality flipped 180 degrees. I didn't go catatonic or anything, but "severely introverted" would be a good descriptive phrase. And that lasted for a couple of decades. Needless to say, I didn't date much in high school. In fact, my first "real" girlfriend approached me around the end of my senior year, and we dated for all of 3 weeks. I was disappointed, though not really crushed, and we had something of an off-again-on-again relationship for a few years. Turns out she had some psychological issues.

Due to my not taking things seriously, I got to leave college before they kicked me out, and I wound up enlisting in the Navy as a reactor operator. Got back together with my girlfriend again, though it...ended badly. I called to talk to her in Texas from my station in Norfolk, and found out from her mother that she was off "visiting her prospective in-laws" in a town I've never had family in. It wasn't so much that she decided she didn't want to be with me as it was that she couldn't be bothered to tell me herself. She ended up marrying the guy, and had a daughter - I know this because she's gotten back in touch with me, of her own accord, twice since I got out of the Navy. : facepalm:

Got a job at a power plant here in Virginia, and stayed about as introverted as before. The schedule sucked, 12-hour shifts rotating between days and nights each week, but the pay was pretty good. After several years, I met a woman, a member of the Star Wars costuming fan group I was a part of (the 501st Legion of Stormtroopers), and by the end of 2004, we were dating, sort of. Remember, social skills of a 13 year old. So, early 2005 rolls around and we're at a convention with her kids, and her daughter had got the worst case of the flu you ever saw. She refused to go home (the daughter, I mean). Well, I stayed with the two of them the whole con, while her son was off in the game room - both of us ended up missing two weeks or so of work, while her son never caught it. She said later that that's when she knew for sure how I felt, though she'd suspected it for a few months. So we started dating for real, and shortly thereafter decided to have sex. She was delighted to find that, at 33, I was still a virgin. I endedup ashamed and heartbroken when a combination of performance anxiety and low reserves from my recent super-flu rendered me completely incapable of getting it up. It was like the universe had it in for me - I finally found someone to sleep with, and can't! Fortunately that ended up getting resolved, and our sex life shot for the stars. Oh, we weren't swinging from the chandeliers or anything, but it was multiple times a week, the occasional blow job, I got VERY good at giving her oral and using my fingers for multiple o's, all over the townhouse, a few different positions... It was FANTASTIC.

And then she got sick. Really sick. Like, out of work for a year. Naturally, sex was off the table -she had severe migraines, and lost sixty pounds because she couldn't eat. There's no way I'd make things harder on her by whining about not getting any. She ended up having to figure out what was going on (multiple food allergies, including wheat and egg), with next to no help from her doctors. One of them accused her of drug-seeking to my face - it was all I could do not to reach for the man's throat. But she started getting better (and sadly, putting weight on, once she was able to keep food down - it sucked getting there, but she was HOT at that point!), and our sex life started coming back. And then it stopped coming back, at a maximum of led than a tenth of what it had been before she got sick, under twice a month, and it's been going down ever since.

Oh, and we got married in there, back in 2008. Had sex, three times, I think, the week of our honeymoon. We get the occasional surge here and there to give me hope - there was a month this summer where we had sex 4 times! - but right now we are comfortably below the limit for the clinical definition of a sexless marriage. We're on track for 9 times this year, batting a Christmas miracle, and it's getting a little lower every year. I'd be perfectly happy if she was the only woman I ever slept with - but not if it keeps getting worse. Even if it stabilizes here, that's nowhere near enough. I'm busting my balls trying to do what she wants -get the degree and certifications I need to get onto a dayshift job, rather than the rotating-shift work I'm on now, learning how to speak her love language (quality time/conversation, followed by words of affirmation), and I'm seeing no effort on her part to meet my needs. The only time we touch (my love language) is when I reach for her, and I'd BETTER not try and touch anywhere that might be considered "inappropriate." She doesn't initiate anymore, and I'm doing well to get once every six weeks -though I do get the "that's all you ever think about!" bit, despite doing my very best to not even try to initiate when I suspect she might not be in the mood. Still get shot down about 80% of the time anyways. Maybe one blow job a year, if I'm lucky; no HJs at all; back to plain old missionary-in-bed. She's happy to get HER oral - sex won't happen without it. No experimentation, no other positions. We'll occasionally start on the living room couch - where she'll watch TV as I go down on her, or even over my shoulder as I'm pumping away. I should have stopped right then when I saw that - but it was the first time in MONTHS, and I'm not yet at the point where I'm capable of turning down bad sex - mentally, I mean. I'm getting so angry, though, and I don't WANT to start hating her. I'm afraid I will, though. Starting some self-help stuff (No More Mister Nice Guy and MMSL, for those familiar with them), which ought to help stiffen my will, but...

Yeah, the Dark Side is strong with me now.
lonelysith lonelysith
5 Responses Dec 3, 2012

All the advice you have been given to date is good, sound stuff, from the 'experts'.

Personally, I wonder what her history, her personal story was when she met you at that convention all those years ago.

Your parents divorce striped you up obviously.

Make your own as amicable as you can.

Tread your own path.

And like a true sith you should quickly dispense of an unwilling accomplice.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

I agree with alljackedup. I encourage you to seek individual counselling to address your issues and problems. NOT because you ARE the problem!! But simply because it will help you sort things out in your own head and give you some strategies for handling the situation you both face.

Encourage her to see a Counsellor too - but if she chooses not to, there is nothing you can do to make her. I would leave marriage counselling for now. Have some sessions by yourself and then ask your own Counsellor what she/he advises re: marriage counselling. Best of luck.

Counseling for both individualy and then some couple counseling would be the only way i personally would try and work on thing's.

Otherwise you are just winging it between each other.

Will it help you get you laid? Don't know.

But do know this when you do that type of work it either brings you together or affirms that you need to split.

Seconded, get thee to a therapist.

Haven't been on in a while, thanks for the suggestions. I actually did see a counselor several times over the summer, for pretty much all the issues detailed above, and things were getting better, to the point that the counselor thought I probably didn't need to talk to him any more. The sex was picking up, a little, and getting to talk about the attempted abuse, the move, the divorce, it all helped me release a lot of my repressed anger.

And then we (wife and I) didn't have sex for about 3 months, and we're back to the same old "drip-feed" of once every 6 weeks or so, whether she thinks I need it or not. I'm taking it better, I think, because I have a self-improvement plan to work on, and once the plan gets to working she can either help improve things, we can start having sex for more regularly or I'll take measures to get what I need. If that means leaving then, that means leaving. It won't be a quick process, but that gives her time to react, and it gives me time to improve my prospects either way. I do love her, I would be very happy to grow old with her, but not like this. this is not what marriage is supposed to be, and I deserve better.