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The Excuses We Make

I have been thinking a lot lately about the excuses we make for our unappreciative spouses and to gloss over our contribution to this form of misery we have restricted ourselves too.

Lets look at both sexes starting with the Refusive Man and the excuses his long suffering wife/girlfriend makes up to justify his behavour.

If you are a woman that lives with a Refusive Man your sense of self worth would be rock bottom.

Not only are you not getting laid you have the added psycological damage that goes with it. Constant questions buzzing round in you head like why doesn't he want to fu...ck me? Am i ugly? Does he not find me attractive anymore cause i put on a bit of weight? Is he fuc..king someone else? etc etc.

These questions never stop popping in your mind and keep on going like rabbits in breeding season. Many times the refused wife will make many futile attempts to please her Refusive Husband all to no avail.

It might start with trying to seduce him dressing up in her sexiest nightie and parading around making it obvious to her dimwitted husband she is there for the taking. When this fails it is another blow to the already crushed self esteem of the poor girl, but just like the trooper she is she will bounce right back up with another hopeful idea and just as futile as the last one.

Now this new idea will be if i become a permanent cleaning lady and keep an immaculately clean house he will have a stress free environment to come home too so when night comes round he will lay in bed in his immaculately cleaned house and suddenly will want to fu..ck me. Also in this process of cleaning the house quite often plan A is rehatched fine tuned and brought back to life.

So there you are laying in bed at night and still no action. Now the refused wife has successfully become a fulltime maid by day and Wannabe ***** by night. I say Wannabe cause in the normal world most women in sexy outfits get laid but in the dysfunctional relationship the refused woman is in it signals more heartbreak.

As heartbreaking as this latest setback is you can bet yourself the poor suffering girlfriend/wife has hatched a new plan to guarantee bedroom fireworks. She has now concluded that the kids are the source of stress to their mans life and affecting his bedroom desire for her so she has now taken on the added role of super mum to her job title.

Along with cleaning the house fulltime the children are now bathed, fed, changed, and tucked in bed all by the time boyfriend or husband gets home. He has nothing to do when he gets home other than to lay on the couch, demolish the lovely dinner you have prepared for this unappreciative slob sink a couple of beers to wash dinner down with and fall asleep on the sofa while you are sitting there dressed in your sexiest outfit waiting to be laid.

It is at this point that the refused woman has officially failed and manged to obsolve her man of any responsibility. For her man he truly has it all now, a cook, a cleaner, a maid, and babysitter, and no responsibilities. For him life is grand. What about his victim though. What toll has it taken on her. Sure enough she is worthy of pity. But how much pity? How much of this did she contribute to herself? The answer is a lot it shouldnt have never of come to this.

Now lets focus on the Refused Man.

The Refused Man is usually saddled with a Narcisstic woman. Not only is he refused sex the refused man is dying for some human touch of the opposite sex. In most cases the refused man's role is to be the family ATM and meal ticket.

You can bet the refused mans hand is stuck in overdrive. Also the computer has become the Refused mans best friend. Just like the Refused Woman the Refused Man's ego has taken a huge battering. He most likely feels worthless, and this has taken a toll in his work life, and with his friends as well.

Now the Refused Man also has his own bright ideas on how to light some fireworks in the bedroom. His first bright idea is usually the Scented Candles and Massage Routine. Hours are spent picking out the candles, buying the lotions, and eventually rubbed on the body of their ever loving wife. All is going well until they move in a bit too low and they are shut down quicker than an illegal brothel. The Refused man is usually left dumbfounded on why this idea did not work.

So now the Refused Man goes to bed with steam coming out of his ears but he has woken up to a new morning and new idea. He has now concluded that he does not help out around the house enough and if he did his poor suffering wife who a lot of the time is the stay at home spouse with nothing else too do might feel less stressed and turn on the fire works for him. So the Refused Man now works fulltime and comes home to start his second shift which consits of laundry, dinner, bathing the kids, and reading a bedtime story.

After all this is finally done and all whislt his girlfriend/wife is sitting on the couch watching housewives of whatever, or having a facebook chat he gleefully sits on the couch and waits for her to declare she is going to bed. It is usually at this point that she instead declares she has a headache. The Refused Man goes off into a panic and promptly returns with Panadol and water. Panadol is promptly taken washed down by water provided and wife happily continues watching housewives of whatever or browsing facebook but the headache still exists. From time to time she will remind you of said headache and just how unwell she feels but not bad enough to stop her watching tv or browsing facebook. You eventually find yourselves in bed where you are explicitly informed that she is suffering badly and needs to be left alone for the night to sleep in complete darkness.

Once again the Refused Man goes to bed dejected and with steam coming out of his ears but wakes up and glosses over it actually convincing himself that his wife was sick. So he wakes up and his routine starts again, off to work, comes home to find his sexless wife has spent more of his money on some lavish item for herself, whilst the house is once again a pigstie cause she had all her friends over and they couldn't clean up after themselves. So he dutifully starts the cleaning process all over again all whilst preparing a 3 course meal for dinner in between bathing and putting the kids to bed. He is hoping that wife is feeling better and does not succombe to another headache as he desperately needs to get laid. Instead the wife finds fault in his house work, cause he has either not cooked dinner enough, left the toilet seat up whilst cleaning the bathroom, or not ironed the clothes to her liking. She is utterly disgusted at him giving him a verbal tongue lashing and to add insult to injury she declares that she was going to give him some tonight but his complete incompetence has put her out of the mood. Little does the poor bastard understand that by now he could perform Saint Like Miracles and he still wont be getting any.

So in conclusion there is little diffrence between the refused man or the refused woman and yes whilst they are to be pitied and some sympathy extended to them they cannot be excused for the fact that they have contributed to their own misery by accepting their partners foul behavour and their inactions on setting some boundaries and enforcing consequences.

In reality they are victims of their own choices.

Stay Strong & Good Luck
Frustrated1978 Frustrated1978 31-35, M 15 Responses Dec 3, 2012

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Very true words. I wonder why these games ever start?

So true and thanks for the laughs and reality check :)

My pleasure. Glad you got a laugh out of it. Sometimes we have to have a sense of humor when dealing with these issues.

Wow point blank got it right :/

Wow, eye opener!!!

Your post is pretty much spot on.

I was also listening to a friend of mine's daughter singing nursery rhymes over the weekend. She was singing the words to Soldier Soldier won't you marry me... The words from that rang so true in an analogous way, if only you tried, x, then its, y till eventually....its just no.

Yup u nailed it on the head.. i am the refused wife. Almost 11 years, and he cant even kiss me. Though it was me. I allowed it, and thought i could live thru it..wrong!! I am depressed and want to be touched.. i have accepted my fault in this, yet havent moved on yet.. thx

Really loved reading this. You've nailed it, amigo.

bear with me, I'm typing while doing cardio--talk about parallel processing! :-). i think (hope??) most if not all here recognize we all bear our own share of responsibility for the excuses and prolonging our own agony. agree with a previous commenter: you should write more stories. are you out, or still in, looking for the next step? forgive me for not stalking your prior stories--hard to do at the mo--and looking to you for the direct answer. :)

Smithy i am still married but this scenario no longer applies to me. A long time ago before i joined this group i used to be the Refused Man.

Now we have a much better arrangement and altough not perfect i do actually get laid twice a week.

The change i made is i read up here started taking responsibility for my contribution (not offering consequences) and started to offer consequences and no longer accept foul behavour.

Its all in my stories.

Stay Strong & good Luck

Sounds accurate to me. What are you going to do now? Cause I want to know...

Me not much. It used to be me no longer. I started holding my wife accountable and gave her consequences for her actions. Now we have a much better arrangment.

I just wish that people here would understand the more you do for them the worst it becomes. You really do need to cut out all the niceties we do for them.

If you arent getting any doing it all for them than you might as well do nothing and enforce consequences. At least you are standing up for yourself.

And in my experience brother 2011A once i stopped all that **** and did nothing i started getting a lot more respect and se...x from the wife

Sister 2011A, am I .....I stopped doing all. Made no difference. Ended. All. I am free.

Apoligies for calling you brother Sister 2011A. Leaving is the best scenario when they wont listen

it is okay. i was not his flavour. seems no one is...hugsssssssssssss...

Is it the with-holding or the accountability? I would think more the latter, then coupled with 'I don't need this' that might bring insight to your spouse

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I can relate to the Refused Man.

Simply by staying we are complicit in the situation.

Tread your own path.

This is exactly how it went down in my marriage. Happened gradually and slowly. Once it became apparent that there would be no change - I split. Much happier now, and trying to figure out why I attract/am attracted to similar personality types.

Yup, too true. I went from wearing a Mardi gas mask, candles, smoke machine, etc etc ad nauseum to light some fireworks. You could do surgery on my floors. Kids were all taken care of. Also did the paperwork, budgeting, bills, social, gifts..... Learned to use power tools, change my tires, do all the yard work....

For love

Pathetic.

I'm getting better, though. Now I'm standing up for myself, doing things to get healthier. One step at a time....

Great post

Well not exactly, but as a refused man I've failed at what I have done to 'get her interested'. In fact I think most of our responses are usually wrong and we often try more of the wrong thing (if at first you don't succeed, try try again)

So on one hand I am refused, on the other my response does not usually make it better.

Maybe you did not 'fail', maybe our responses can only fail as a lot of the time the spouse is simply not able to be intimate. It is our process of finding this out is the angst and dissapointment generator. Sadly we all have to do it to get to the other side and change our world view on our relationship.

What world view do you have?

Frustrated another good story. Describes my situation to the letter. I must say you have shown another side to you with your story writing, not seen by your comments you leave. You have shown that you have wit and wisdom.

Both this story and your previous of a couple of days back are must reads for any newbies here. Rated Up