What Is Normal Is Different For Everyone

We used to have a lousy sex life - particularly when we were first married.

Now we have the best marital relations I could have ever dreamed of - and i am 55 and she is 50. It took a long while to get here but for years now our normal is something we BOTH love and maintain. We engage in marital relations each and every morning.

She prepares for it each evening - selecting sensual sleep wear - what she wants to sleep in and what she prefers to wear as we make love before we retire. We both plan on it - I shower and shave before bed and we retire a bit early and rise early so we can devote an hour or more to one another each morning.

It is delightful and for us it is our normal. Planing on making love, knowing you will do so - is very erotic and we have no problem keeping things exiting, enjoyable and fresh. We are dedicated to each other's pleasure and honestly practice makes perfect. You get better at it the more you do it.

It is healthy for our relationship and for us physically too. If everyone got all the sex they wanted from each other there is no need for infidelity, ************, *********** - or any other sad excuse for marital intimacy. We are married to each other and the answers are not elsewhere it is with one another so don't cheat each other out of a primary reason for being married. We get it and honestly it works. Why so very many others don't get it from our perspective is beyond us. If we had one singular piece of advice to young couples starting out it would be to do engage with regularity and with a high level of frequency. Get good at it and keep it up. There is no reason to abstain and every good reason to engage in a loving relationship on a very regular basis.
pdqsailor1 pdqsailor1
51-55, M
2 Responses Dec 4, 2012

You are right in the importance of regular marital relations...most of us on here understand that. That's why we're all so hurt, lonely, and unhappy. I would be doing all of the things you list if my husband had any sex drive left at all.

The first step is identifying what the problem is and what you want. The next part is conveying in no uncertain terms that the status quo will not do and fight to get the problem fixed. No one said it was easy - it never is. What I am saying is fixing the problem is worth it.

Mate, this is a straight re-run of your 18th September 2012 story - with a lot less emphasis on the lingerie.

What was a bit "light on" in that September post - and still is here - is the bit where it explains how the sex went from "lousy" way back when, to "the best marital relations I could dream of" now.

Care to elaborate on that crucial process ??

Tread your own path.

Nice to have a following. The path was crucial. It involved setting a schedule - two times a week - then gradually increasing it and the whole time dedicating myself to making darn sure she enjoyed herself - it was not about me - well at the end i would get mine but massage, doing what she enjoyed - oh and giving her oral sex which she liked. Everyone is different but letting her be in control and having what she liked was very important. She hated it when I removed her panties - ok no problem they stay on. I hated her in boxers and Sweat shirts or T shirts or cotton anything so I shopped for nice, respectful and pretty things - she approved and she wore them. She honestly was enjoying herself. So was I. The schedule - both of us coming to understand that we planned on marital activity was the crucial step - and it took argument out of the equation. Then when we did it - we meant it and giving her pleasure was for me what it was all about. She did enjoy herself and as time went on we had no reason not to engage more frequently. So if it does not happen very often make darn sure you do a very good job of it when you do but set a schedule up - both of you - one you can build on even if it starts off modestly and make the very most of it.

Can you jump back a stage.

What precipitated the need for change ? Some landmark event, like one of you having an affair or something like that ?

Who was the pro-active one who saw the need for change and started to drive that agenda ?

What strategy / tactic / action did the pro-active one take (stuff like therapy and suchlike) ?

How did the pro-active one 'sell' the concept to the other spouse to get them onside with the process ?

How did the pro-active one overcome the resistance (if any) of the other spouse ?

Was the "lousy" sex a big enough issue for either spouse to walk away if it was not resolved ?

All I can really get from your post in the "how you did it" sense was some sort of "date night" strategy that actually worked (as it will sometimes if the marriage is just a bit jaded).

The typical marriage on these board has gone beyond "jaded" and is well into dysfunctional status. Usually terminally dysfunctional. How bad was yours at its' worst ?

The absolute worst was a pregnancy scare at a time of great financial burden. I was so freaked out and I mean major freaked out. It was a MAJOR shock and we did not engage in sex for months. Then it happened a second time and I was going to snap. We went to an abortion clinic - we found out she was not pregnant but I had had enough and I was determined never to have sex again with a condom EVER. The clinic only suggested one method of birth control an IUD - I encouraged her, the clinic encouraged her, she realized I did not want any more kids and she finally accepted this - the other alternative was a vasectomy and frankly there was no need for one. IUD's are great birth control. Well the nurse said to her in the insertion that we were good and could play from the first second. Darned if she did not mention this on the way home - she was ready to start to play. WOW now that was a change. Oh and the sex without condoms was better - way better for us both. The freedom that device represented was a turning point. Business got better. I wanted more frequency. No we did not go for external help. I purchased one fantastic set of lingerie. I laid it on her pillow - she wore it. I loved it, she liked it a LOT it is still one of her favourite sets. I would lay it out - she often ignored it, I would go sleep on the couch - she often appeared wearing it asking if I was coming to bed. Back and forth that outfit became a way of communicating - when she wanted it or when I wanted it that outfit was our flag and the flag started getting raised more often - that was the start of things going from a disaster to better.

That explains it. I have the picture now. Thanks.

Good. Look - there may be some boasting involved in this but there is a purpose. Having been in hell I understand exactly what heaven looks like and I am there NOW. If couples learn from what we have achieved and can make their lives better then this is what this is about - it is not a competition for the most consecutive days of sex. I have no interest in competition I have interest in making love to my Wife. Oh and if others can be encouraged to partake more often then the world gets just a wee bit better too. I can not explain all the benefits but they are huge. We almost never disagree on anything. We are considerate, trusting, caring - loving. The teamwork - the quality of our life is so much better and physically - I have no gut on me - I am trim and so is she - her tummy is firm - she may be 50 but she is a hottie - at least to me she is. We almost never even get colds anymore. i am up early and she is in black silk which she chose to wear to bed and in a half hour or so....and i am very much looking forward to it.

It's great that you both wanted to work on it. Ultimately, the reason why most people wind up here is that one really wants change, and the other doesn't at all. You are very lucky.

Yes I know it - actually not lucky - blessed. As has been pointed out the alternative was not something I was prepared to accept and perhaps this message was conveyed though the trials that helped get us to the promised land. What I can say is as hard as it was - it was also worth it. She enjoys herself every bit as much as I do and she instigates more than I do - these days it is she who leads this show and I who follows - and I am enjoying every bit of it too. The transformation and much of the credit goes to my Wife - oh I am far more considerate perhaps but make no mistake about it she is leading the show and she knows it too.

4 More Responses