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In Shock

OMG! Pick me up off the floor!

H is out of town for a class. He left this morning for an afternoon class. It's only an hour and a half away, but he left early.

Well, I just spent nearly an hour on the phone with him. He, on his own, went to a counselor all by himself!!!! He didn't even tell me he was going to do that. He seemed agreeable to marriage counseling come January, but I had no idea he would go on his own. He said, "I just know I have to do something." I don't know what is going to happen. I'm certainly not going to get my hopes up at this point . I just know in 20 years he has never done anything like this.
Don't know what to make of it yet.

Today's update:

Well, he was very busy while out of town. Even went to the doc for some med.  They gave him some antidepressants. Looked at the info. in the package and one of the side effects is "sexual disfunction". SOMEBODY SHOOT ME NOW.
pamelamc pamelamc 41-45, F 16 Responses Dec 4, 2012

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hi, hope you ar well and enjoying your week.....how is hubby doing?.....

Doing well here. We're not fighting. H seems calmer and happier, but still no action. Hmmmmm, we'll see.

Pam, it will come, trust me. Good that you are not fighting....its a good start. Do you need to give him some hints? I know it will hapened Pam

Thanks. I've been trying not to nag. I'm taking away any excuse he has.

Pam its ok to nag you know. I am more sexual then wife and I tell you, its very fustrating....I sometime wanna screeam or climb the wall....its good to talk and express our thoughts...

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hello there.....how are you doing?.....hope all is going good :)

and the hits just keep on coming..........

hello...how are you doing?...any outcome with hubby?

(After your update)
He will not be too perturbed about such side effects. Indeed they are highly likely to be used to legitamise his preferred position. He can scrub all the obvious bullshit excuses he has used in the past, and stick to the "it's the med's".

And, it will head off that "get your head out of your arse" ultimatum you gave him which might otherwise have kicked in in 25 days. (You wouldn't boot a "sick" man would you ? will be the clear inference)

The cards have fallen beautifully for him.

For you, not so much - though it has got you 'off the hook' on that ultimatum, giving you an excuse to withdraw it. That is likely only temporary relief however, it will be coming up again when you get sick enough of the situation.

Tread your own path.

Things do have side effects, did he told the doc that sexual disfucntion is something to be concern about? I guess there are alot of meds out there....just nedd to get the right one...

What is the latest?...hope some good news,,

Oh I see, well who knows thats so true, but are you glad he went and did it? I think there is a good hope there for sure. What classes is he having out off town?

He is in PhD classes in the town we used to live in. He wanted to do all this out of town for confidentiality.

Oh great, thats a good move too and being smart. Well its good to be positive and look on the bright side for sure, maybe next time both of you can go together....right?

hello.....any latest news?

Nothing at this point. He will be home tonight. I'm not expecting anything. He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, but his parents wouldn't put him on med. He made an appt. to get some. That is also something new. Who knows?

Sorry I should have replied on this area, anyway.....who knows what will happend....are you excited?

Its amazing how voicing caution is considered negativity. If you are hurt each time you bear your soul to someone, urging caution is caring and logical advice. As Ronald Reagan said "Trust but verify." Is that so much to ask for those whose hearts and souls have been battered about by someone who says they love them?

Caution is imperative. I didnt see where voicing caution was viewed as negative, but maybe I missed a comment somewhere. I would only suggest that if caution is a tool to keep change walled OUT it then becomes detrimental to the restoration process. Its a tight spot to be in..I KNOW! :)

I agree with you...

One of the things I learnt at the end of my SM, was that the cliche 'don't listen to what they say, watch what they do' is extremely important and wise advice. Seems like pamelamc's H has just *done* something, of his own volition, I agree with hl42's sentiment, in my view 'doing' is more significant than a thousand 'talks'

Sometimes the refused underestimate the extent which the refusers may be dissatisfied too. Normally, the refused is in more pain, so takes earlier action, but it's not always the case that doing desperate things to keep a broken situation going is doing anyone a favor.

The other thing I'd observe is that the recognition and effort - unsolicited and proactive - by a refuser is a huge and possibly most important step. I'd recommend framing an attitude that you will let go of a particular outcome of this being "success", and focus more on defining what success means to you, as genuinely and honestly exploring the situation between you - in a definitely finite timescale.

PS, it can also be too late, whatever he does.

I agree. There seems to be more to this than him refusing. He was diagnosed with what is now called ADHD as a child, but his parents never put him on meds.
He said he is also making an appt. with a doc. to get some. I think there may be some depression too. I don 't expect him to come home Thur. and magically want to make love. I'm just pleased he is taking some action.

Perhaps it is his short tem response cause he knows you are nearly out the door. I truly hope i am wrong and he is in it for the long run.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Thank you. I'm praying he is for real.

Awesome news!! He took action himself, very positive and as C says "baby steps" Years of pain and hurt do not vanish and it takes loads of work on both sides but with both parties and GOD involved...it is possible. Continuing to pray! I cant help it..wAhoOoooo!

There may be such a counsellor where he went. There might not be.

He may have gone and seen said counsellor. He might not have.

He may have taken some notice of what the counsellor said. He might not have.

Chickens.
Hatching.

Don't mess the count up.

Tread your own path.

I do believe he actually wrnt. It's in the town we used to live in, and the connection he described that referred him could be too easily checked out. The question is how much did he pay attention? I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'm just surprised he did it.

I would say he listened well and payed attention. He initiated the session and is paying for it so I'm sure he was listening. Why would he make a choice on his own like this to just go and tune out what the counselor said. He admits he has issues and wants to try to work on himself that's awesome! I get why some want to caution you and kind of warn you to protect yourself, but negativity doesn't really warrant here in my opinion. You have to give him a chance. The action he took speaks volumes and hopefully he will continue to open up and see what he needs to do to ensure a healthy, happy relationship for both of you. Best Wishes God Bless

Wish you good luck - or him, whichever needs it most!
Keep us posted as to developments please