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Lonely, Just Lonely

I'm with a man who doesn't have sex with me. He doesn't initiate it and when I initiate, he pushes me away. We have sex sometimes twice a month and sometimes not for several months. And when we do its for 5 mins maybe. I cant remember my last ****** with him inside of me. I can't say he doesn't desire sex because I honestly don't know. I recently found history in our computer of him looking at sexy pics of Danica Patrick, so I know he has some desire. I just can't understand why he doesn't want me. We are both attractive people, in shape, slender, stylish, etc. we are both in our early 40's so not as young ad we once were but still plenty of life and sexuality in us. We were high school sweethearts, we went our separate ways for 17 years. We've been back together for three years. When we first got back together we had sex all of the time. Some days we didn't get out of bed. Since I decided to move in with him the sex stopped. Literally immediately. He is very tender, loving, snuggles every night. He won't kiss me passionately unless he wants sex, otherwise it's just a peck, even if I ask for more. I'll try to nibble on his lip, he tells me to stop. I'm at this place I don't understand. I've never been with a man who didn't want me every day. I'm so caught up in the why of this that when we do have sex I can't relax. I'm so lonely inside.
lonelyouthere lonelyouthere 41-45, F 59 Responses Dec 4, 2012

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He knows whats up. Call him on it. men do not beat around the bush to get answers. It will contiue as long as you keep bein a nice person. honestly, men know some women put up with misery.

Try to search for John Gray and Men are from Mars, Women from Venus. He will help you, I hope, to come to some sort of understanding.

Thanks for your reply..
It wont be easy to convince your man to discuss either a lack of interest in sex, or a problem with performance, with his doctor.....But he has to start somewhere.
These things don't fix themselves and YOU can't fix them either. He has to make that move. All you can do is support him and explain to him that there are millions of men with similar problems.....and none of them have to suffer in silence..Take a look at all the info on ED on line and check out all the books available as well.Check out "The Sex Starved Wife " and the websites she has. ( Michele Weiner Davis ) Lots of tips on how to start the proccess of him being able to at least discuss the possibilites .
IF there is a problem in this area, no amount of you trying to turn on your mate will help....it will do the opposite, if he is unable to get his confidence back.This may not be the reason he is doing the things he is , but then at least you have ruled it out..
Most ED problems can be improved , but only if you seek help !!
Good luck ..i will be thinking of you ...keep us up to date.

Contrary to what women think lots of men dont think of sex 24/7. In fact many of us couldnt care less about it me being one of them.....A lot of women like to kid themselves that men cant live without it. I have managed to for 67 years.

Have u talked to him about why or ask him if he has any fantasy hed like to act out maybe experiment. Maybe all you have to do is spice it up dont jump to the worse give him the benefit of the doubt.

He's getting it somewhere else. Believe me he's getting it somewhere. Don't trust him. We can go for awhile without it but they can't. You better find out if he's cheating. Don't get blindsided like I did.

I agree with you, he isnt that interested in your cookies because he either tested more delicious ones and he relly likes you but isnt the kind of man to kick you out, or he is focused on getting the teasing cookies inside the glass window

I completely understand where you are coming from. It happens with most men cause I am also one. Kindly understand what I have to say if you want to flare up your sexual life. You have become predictable for him, easily available all the time. This easy availability extinguishes the desire to some extent. Keep some distance from him for most probably a week or two and don't initiate sex and if he does then don't display your satisfaction during the act. Unfaithful men tend to act this way, but I won't assume that. All you have to do is play hard to get without him noticing it.

Time to move on and out the door immediately. The same thing happened to me. I didn't know what was going on. From what you say, he is the one with the problem not you.
It appears what you are experiencing is a picture of your future with him. Do you want that?
How many years are you prepared to be understanding?
I left and have not regretted it.

Summer

Sorry if I'm butting in but I was *once* in this kind of sexless situation (not actually married but living together) and the one who wasn't putting out was me, the male. I can only say that what had happened amounted to an impasse that had gradually arisen and then suddenly stuck and although we had several times broken through it, something in me did not WANT to break through it. Which led over a long period and the split up to looking back and realising I had not listened to myself saying 'I DON'T WANT THIS'.

While fairy tales involve one happy ever after, the answer is that there are many. But you have to make the move and the move is moving on. Regrets you may have but it's just a waste of time. There are other cafes to drink in than this one. Make sure you visit a few before you get stuck with another.

Sorry if this sounds cynical. It isn't. It's the TRUTH.

At least your getting it twice a month!! And he kisses you while you are having sex! He is giving you a peck go buy? I have not been kissed in Years! Not even a peck. Let alone Sex in the past two plus years I have had sex once. We don't sleep in the same bed anymore. I have really thought about stepping outside our marriage...but I can't bring myself to that point yet...Why is that? Does anyone know? Is it so I can say I never cheated? Or is it cause I'm sarced?

I don't have an answer for you but i guess it's a case of when enough is enough.
In a SM situation both partners stand their ground on the issue , both feel the pain( even the refuser is in pain ) , but only one seems to feel that the lack of sex and intimacy is a huge problem.And it absolutely is....
What you said about being able to say that you never cheated,it is an honourable thing, but it reminded me of something i read.....No one is going to give you any medals at the end of your life for having suffered through it by remaining loyal....
I would never cheat ...can't exactly explain why .....It's just not in me.( Had i married someone else I may have looked at things differently.)

Perhaps a bit of an obvious question. Does sex hurt him? A couple years ago I started having painful erections and found the more turned on I got the more it hurt. Eventually gathered enough courage to see a doctor and after about a month I was back to being pain free most of the time. But during that time I really tried not to get turned on.

I understand completely, I have been in a relationship for 6 years and for four of those years I have gone months without sex. He cuddles but sex seems like a chore, I am in my peak here and I just don't know how to handle it anymore. I hope you find resolution, please keep us updated.

hi lonelyyouthere, You really need to ask him a few serious questions, even though you may not want to hear the answers from. He is a man and they can go to wars and they can stand up to most difficult situations.. really.. so when we loving caring sonsiderate forgiving women put up with our men bad or confusing behavior they know that most times they can get away with alot. If he was in a relationship with someone strong mentally and emotionally.. his behavior would not be put up with. You carew about him so much but if you become strong and ready to deal with honesty. then do not allow for his behavior to continue any longer. You have to be prepared to be strong no matter what he tells you. He knows most women are to forgiving and that allows some men to get away with the excuse me (***** crap)...try it.

You are right about this! I tend to sugar coat things rather than draw a line in the sand. He was married to a very strong woman, I most certainly need to stand more firm. Thank you

It could be a pyschological problem hes harboring, get a shrink. Talk about it evrryday till he understands its impottant to, if he wont change, he doesnt care, you find an alternative.

I do believe it is psychological, due to his job, it very well may be. I just need to convince him to do something about it. At least explore that option, exploring any option would be a step in the right direction.

lonelyouthere....exploring any option can only help....you will learn more about whats going on in his head or heart. Have a look at my other reply to you further down the page.

Call me.

Take part in the decision making so he doesn't have complete control. Don't be so ready to go every time he is. Get some distactions; fantasy, group therapy. New interests, friends that are just for you. Spark your desire out in the world!!

Christ Girl. Talk to him. If he has a problem get him down the Doctors. If he simply does not Love / Want you anymore replace him with someone who does. Please tell me you didn't suddenly grow to 200 pounds after marriage because that would stop me as well.

Haha, no I have not gained any weight. It would be simple to wrap my brain around this if I had gained or changed, but I haven't. Thanks for the response, I'll keep trying to talk to him. He usually shuts down and won't talk, he gives no information at all, just hugs me and tells me he loves me. That's what is so frustrating.

In order to gain true happiness, fulfilment you must take control of your life. If it means a period of estrangement from this man or even a permanent break, for the sake of your conscience do it. Life is short, be happy...

Good Luck

Sorry to tell you this, but it only has two answers. One he is cheating on you.
second answer, he maybe gay, and just don't know how to tell you. You want to know how I came by those two answer only? My friend husband was doing the same thing to her, it went on for years, he was pretending all the time for her, 20 years in a marriage, and the same things that you are describing is the same thing he was doing, but the bad thing about it he was gay and our youth minister at the same time. So everyone felt it for her and as a youth group we also felt let down. But look on the bright side, if he is not gay and just cheating, you have a chance of making things up with him. But if he is gay the man is gone, because gay people when they **** you you will not want the opposite sex again, so I have heard.

I understand your feelings.. Can i suggest you to talk to him abt this openly and when u talk to him please also show him how that makes you feel. Sometimes other person is not even aware of the needs and wants of the other gender.
I hope this all is temp and u both come to a solution !!!!

Mellow, it's possible but not in my situation. My husband got a job where he spent a week away at a time and I was so excited, thinking now that he can't have me, he'll want me. Didn't work that way. In fact it led to even more disappointment. As I now had expectations for our reunions, and it never worked out how I hoped.

How about looking at this from another angle.
Is it possible that he may have a physical problem?
If he only takes 5 minutes to ******, and he pushes you away (maybe to discourage you from asking something of him that he cannot do), he may have problems that he is embarassed to discuss. Most men have too much pride to talk about it.
How bold are you? See if you can get a business card from a urologist and leave it for him on his computer. When he asks what that is about, tell him. Say that you love him, and you think he loves you, so if he is having problems that prevent him from having sex, you are ready to help him find a solution.
It is a way of opening the door for communication.
Take it from there. Whatever direction the conversation goes, you will have an answer one way or the other. This worked for my man and I. He said sex was painful, and it turned out that he had a very fixable problem. After a couple of months, we are intimate again.
Good luck to you, I hope you can find a good resolution.

I'm there ;)

can you expand on "how you are wired" ?

Me? Nothing results in satisfaction other than adult pants wetting.

once you stop finding fault with his behaviour there is a risk he will go to the Cold War.

you might also ask him...your H....what stage he sees the relationship in.

though he may not be honest with you.

My fear is, the way I'm wired, is that when I stop caring, I literally stop caring. It's a dangerous recipe.

after you have done so tell me which stage is your marriage in :

* PowerStruggle
* Cold War
* Heading for Divorce/Seperation
.....

and how long have you been in that stage ?

Power Struggle, 1.5 years, feels like a cold war some days.

i would like you to read Al Turtle's work ( a north american relationship counsellor ) and in particular his "Map of Relationships".

or I could give you a short version of it here.

I'll look it up right now.

We've past the Romantic stage that's for sure, now I will say we are in a Power Struggle. It makes me realize that while I've been frustrated all I could focus on was getting the Romantic stage back, but he's so right, that's not growth, I'm ready to move on so we can grow into a vintage love. Thank you for the advice, I am going to check him out some more!

are you venting ..or asking for ideas ?

I guess both, but I have to say, I'm tired of the "just leave him" ideas. Leaving is the easy part, I've got that figured out, if I was willing to throw in the towel I wouldn't be venting/searching on here.

I know the feeling I married my teenage sweatheart, he was sweet on me. It wasn't until I was 48 and fed up with my family, that I got in touch with him again. We were married a few months later. I initiate sex on our honeymoon but I get an unpassionate response. I cried, right then and there. I like a man to make a pass at me and I told him if he is waiting for me make the first moves, then he's gonna be waiting a long time. Yea no sex at all ever. Well at least I have many lovers before him. And hopefully after.

I agree with Elettra, it will feel good if you go out by yourself to have fun. If you can stay out for few days with family or friends to see how is he feels about being home without you, that will be a test of sort.

I feel your pain, I have similar problem. I wonder if you tried to 'seduce' him by wearing sexy outfits, like see through or you know like Victoria's secret, that might get him to want sex.

it has to be a problem. I had a friend who solved this in a very harsh way. She just started to flirt with other men and eventually she cheated at him twice. He never found out, but all the sudden he got really into her. Mind, my friend always get the way she wants to, so i'm not encouraging you to cheat. But your loneliness has a less drastic solution: go out alone, start again to feel beautiful and sexy without him. Start a new sport, learn a new language. Start to please yourself in every aspect. You'll feel your company again and you might also change something between you. And if that's not the case you'll open doors for something new.
Good Luck :)

You are exactly right! I needed to hear that, thank you!!

That may work, but-don't do the cheating part. That sort of betrayal has a permanence whether acknowledged or not, that will never heal.

I don't cheat, simply because I have to look in the mirror, that's not me. I've been down that road years and years ago, it's haunting. But getting dressed up and going to dinner alone with a good book and glass of wine, or dancing with someone who doesn't even know my name would be good for me. I would enjoy being out with just me.

You rock! Good luck. I really hope that it works for you.

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My husband went through this phase but I found out he had a wife at home (me) and a wife at work (her). We managed to get back togther for the sake of our kids but that comes with a whole new set of Topics.. Best of luck to you and find out what your husband is going through and Try hard before bailing out.

You need to talk to him. Maybe it's a hormone/erectile thing and he needs to see a doctor. Maybe since you moved in together you're seeing too much of each other and you need to try doing some activities apart every once in a while. It could be a lot of different reasons, but it's not your fault, especially if he won't tell you what the problem is. I don't know you, but I'm sure you're beautiful and desirable in lots of ways!

I know I have been here before and it sucks. I cried all the time. I'm not saying this is true for you, but for me, it turned out he was cheating. He was the sort of guy who only wanted what he didn't have, when he got me he lost interest. If all else fails, you might want to consider that possibility.

does he have physical problem i think man idiot not you make love and please the lady most men need romnce herf please her if no sex after romace then its time to go if u in place were cant go cheat

I understand how your feeling, my situation is much the same except she doesn't even want sex

I know exactly what your saying I am in the same boat .I lost my job where I made enough money to leave so now I am stuck. If you can move leave that sorry man where he is . He just wants a person to have sex with like my guy I mean nothing. If I get my life back I will never just live with a man again

2 things: Have you tried talking to him?
Secondly, if you aren't married, I'd get out of there. You deserve better.

just talk to him and find out

My husband was like this for a few months. I figured out he was like this because he has been having a rough go at work and has been stressed about money.... I decided to wear sexy clothes around the house to get his attention. Id send him nasty msgs at work LOL ... i planed a day for the kids to stay out of the house.... we had some drinks and one thing led to another..

There just might be something bothering him, maybe just try to talk about it?

Thank you for this approach. I've been through a dry spell myself in the past, that's why I'm not willing to give up and walk away. That's too easy. After my children were born I was in a different place, I was hurt by a husband who would rather be drinking than home with his wife and kids, emotionally spent with hormones, feeling yucky from the extra weight I wasn't used to, I just didn't feel sexy and therefore pushed him away all too often. He struggled with it, I remember, and now that I'm feeling the same, I truly feel regretful for putting him through that. At the time I just needed him to stop pushing and try to understand my mental place. Now with my new man, the table is turned, and I am reminding myself, "I've been there, don't push". Being patient, I know he has many stresses at work, more so than I can imagine. His job for the past 22 years has been extremely demanding and I'm afraid damaging to his mental state. That combined with a very volatile marriage, I know he has things to work out. I need to exude my sexuality more willingly like I used to, I've been too caught up in the fear of rejection.

This sound very familiar to me!!!!! I pushed my husband away , like you, when i was dealing with young kids. I too have a better understanding of what it's like to be in their position.
Like mine , your husbands work may have sucked the life out of him...and it's not fair to just expect them to snap out of it!
The fact that when he does have sex , it's really quick, he's in his 40s, he avoids passionate kisses ( so as not to wind you up ? ), views **** on line, and only has sex with you when he wants to , all sound like the behaviours of a man with ED problems ! I haven't seen you say that you have asked him about this.....If you haven't and decide to ask ....don't expect a straight answer , he may get mad, he may shut down....It's not something that is always easily discussed , but be supportive and patient. Good luck .

I just read this and thank you for the advice. I do think its ED. It really is the only thing that makes sense. I have asked him, but he doesn't answer or go to the dr. He has an annual coming up I need to come up with a way to gently push him to talk to the dr. It's worth a try.

the emotional pain of being rejected SUCK and becomes this mountain
I wish you the ability to

STOP asking yourself if it is you, or if something is wrong with you.
you are still as beautiful, sweet, interesting person you were before he lost his drive
it just that simple, he lost his drive and is ok with

It isn't you, downside is you have to choose if you can live with it.
i am at 5 plus years of the mountain of emotions.
they dont know why either :( and feel bad for not being able to give us what we need.

I read your story with regret. I recently broke up with my girlfriend because she wasn't interested in sex....so it goes. I believe that what is most important is you realize this won't fix itself. Inertia sets in and the behavior becomes permanent. I don't know about your situation but I would suggest you tell your partner in a neutral setting (that doesn't involve being in bed) that intimacy as well as sex are important to you. That these things are a part of a quality of life you don't want to be without. This can be said in a loving and positive way. I would also suggest consideration of counseling, if your partner does not reply to your initial plea. You can also ask him to describe what his fantasies are...so you can be more responsive to sexual cues he may be sending that you may be missing...
Lots of things can be done...the important part is to take the step...
good wishes : ) Bill

Thank you for the positive response. I'm sorry things didn't work out with you and your girlfriend. I do believe intimacy is important, but it is also refreshing to get a response that doesn't include a "damn the torpedoes" reaction. Good luck in your search for a fulfilling relationship.

Thanks! Best of luck to you as well. The dilemma of having a lot of time and energy committed should not, in my view, lock you into this relationship forever. While i would do everything I could to save the relationship (and have), the past investment in time and love is a "sunk" cost in economic terms. there is no getting it back either way. The future is still open...it is your call how that future will unfold... : )

If you have determined that an intimacy-free relationship is a deal-breaker...MOVE OUT! I say this assuming the two of you have discussed ad nauseum with no results. Heck girl, you're not even married to this guy. You can fix this.

I share others' curiosity about his intimacy aversion...would he perk up with an address change?

And are you looking for a project or a partner? You're lucky, he's showed his stripes before you became legally entagled.

Good luck :)

Haha, thank you. I have enough projects! Don't we all. Yes I'm certain he would perk up. Several people have said that and I agree, I'm certain it would spark his interest. However, it's not that simple. I am 13 hours from my home town, in another state to be with him and my children, I can't justify what that would do to them. Guess that makes me a martyr. I've known this man for 25 years, we have a history, and a very sexual one, couldn't this be as simple as low testosterone?

I'm going to circle back to my assumption, that the two of you have discussed this issue in depth...have you? What degree of interest has he shown to fix this situation?

Are you saying you are unwilling to leave when all becomes clear to you?

We haven't talked about this, I've talked about this. He doesn't respond, he just shuts down. I can't decide if it's shame, embarrassment, or what keeps him from facing this issue, but he seriously doesn't talk about it. He will wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me. That's it, only once did he flat out say he didn't want to hear about it any more. He's buried his head in the sand. And yes, you are correct, I'm not willing to leave. I love this man and I owe him, my children, and myself more of a fighting chance. He has the intimacy in him, he is fully capable, just not the past couple of years. I can't figure it out.

This is what it is, no more, no less. Your future with him holds more of the same. I'd take a stab in the dark that he has intimacy issues as moving in is when it stopped, but truthfully that's neither here nor there.

If this isn't OK with you, as in, it's a deal breaker, then you need to abide by your own integrity and tell that truth. If it isn't a deal breaker, then you get to suck it up, until you come across your 'deal breaker'. For clarity sake, it's helpful to spend some time to clarify for yourself what your own boundaries are and at what point you feel as though you sold yourself out, and that is where you need to hold your own line. How much love and attention to you want to share without having it reciprocated?

You're not alone, just lonely.

Thank you for that, I really just need to know I'm not alone. It is a deal breaker, I need to be loved in return. I'm true to my Libra sign in wanting all to be fare. However, I'm not ready to give up, I'm just ready to fight for what I know we have but losing fast. I'm a great enabler, took me 30 years to figure that out, but I know I am and have to stop enabling his lack of intimacy. It's not okay for him to shut me out. Maybe I needed this group to realize it's okay to have a backbone and set that boundary.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been with my wife 13 years and for a while things did go very well between us. Then after a crisis it all went horribly wrong, and now I've been sleeping on the couch for ten years. We only have sex at her convenience, and it's cold and lousy when it does happen. It used to be so good, our hearts and bodies fit together like we were literally made for each other. Now... it's a short poke in the middle of the night that only means something to one of us... me. To me it means she doesn't want me anymore. She's addicted to *********** now.
Last night was one of the nights that are "at her convenience." She didn't show up. Last week either - and the next day she did her **** habit instead. I've given her until after the holidays to make the change in attitude she promised, once and for all, either way. After two years of being tortured by this. And she's failing. Come January I have a lot of big decisions to make. The biggest one of all is already made. I'm not going to live here anymore.

very sad to know but why dont you ask straight why are you harassing me like this

My advice, drink a lot of water, keep your breath fresh at all times, use Angel perfume, or current sexy lotions that make you smell fresh, keep your feminine areas clean and fresh, buy sexy clothes, take pride in yourself. Now after doing all of this, pretend to be NOT interested in him any more. Dont chase him. After a while, he will wonder who this hot woman is he is married to and wonder why you are looking so sexy and smelling so good and also wonder why you are not chasing him any longer. After some time, you will have him begging to go down on you. But ALWAYS let him chase you, then you will have all of the control and power.

Can't quite decide if this is a really funny **** take - or one of the most ridiculous comments seen for many a day.
Benefit of doubt applies I guess, so it must be a **** take.

I nearly choked on my cuppa - ROFL!!

omg, the comment is so clueless and bazz's reply hysterical. thanks for the giggle!

Really? I want to visit this for a minute: Like said in my original story, we are both attractive people, in shape, stylish, etc. Not to be vain, but I am well put together, successful, educated, and intelligent. I have never and still don't have a problem being chased. The problem is that I want this man, no other. We are not in Jr. High anymore and I surely do not have time or patience for a lifetime of games. He knows and loves what and who I am and I am spectacular, this I know. Which leads me right back to the question at hand, why does he not desire sex?

Oh my.....and all the time and money I spent on myself (and him).....Always dressed to the nines, hair , makeup, attitude always in check...only gave him more opportunity to be cruel, to let me know I did nothing for him...and final insult upon injury...to find a coworker that does I guess do something for him....The rejection has been so cruel and for so long...I'm afraid to be with another man.

wolfegrl1: I am so very sorry. Infidelity is a conscious decision that only ends in hurt. Don't be afraid to love another, there is happiness out there for you. Even if your happiness lies within your existing relationship, then fix it and let it bring you closer. You have to decide. Keep your head up.

Thank you for your kind words....but he has left for good....he is simply repulsed at the idea of being with me...only loves me like a sister.

4 More Responses

In your Heart I think you know that you will never me happy with this man. Make the break. It's a horrible feeling being single, but at least you will have a chance of happiness.

I feel your pain and wish I knew the answer to help....

Until he tells you why, you aren't going to know why. Knowing why isn't helpful anyway.
What you can control isn't the why, because the why is almost certainly something about him, not you.
All you can control is what you do.
...Makes me wonder if it would pick up with him again if you "felt crowded," and got your own place. I'd actually say to try that. He'd feel less crowded.

I just found this group. I have been with my husband for 8.5 years, married for 5.5. I wish I'd been smart enough to back out when we were just engaged and he stopped wanting me. But we would talk about it, and he'd promise to work on it. On our wedding night he said I didn't seem as excited as him. I said I was afraid I was dooming myself to a life of no sex. This hurt him, but again he promised to work on it. Nothing ever changed. Except now when I try to talk about it he gets angry and there is really nothing good left in our relationship. I am so afraid to leave, not afraid of him, just of the unknown. And I keep having that little seed of hope, that little flicker of the happiness I once felt being with him.

Hi, thank you for your reply. I am afraid of the unknown also, and I do feel the seeds of hope and happiness. I innately see the good in all people so it's hard for me to see him as a "monster" who intends to hurt me. I know he is good through and through, there is just this link that seems to be missing. I wouldn't want him to give up on me if I were struggling with something. I just wish I knew how to help him and that I had the satisfaction of believing he wanted to try to fix this. That's the "million dollar" question.

lonely,

You said you cannot talk to anyone about this. Neither can I. I am also on facebook but it is a public persona. I almost feel sometimes that no one really knows the real me. This place has been wonderful for me. Far better than any counseling or therapy. At least you get the snuggles and cuddles. My mother died recently and I got nothing from H, which helps to explain why I no longer live there.

I'm so sorry for you Mom. She is with you now always. We are obviously not alone in our struggles.

Ahead of you lies a regime of "why" chasing. By the end of it, you will know a great deal about refusive mindsets, be able to name assorted syndromes and conditions, perhaps even be able to speculate with some accuracy as to what the reason is for his intimacy averse behaviour. At that point though, you will likely have also discovered that YOU are not going to be able to fix HIM. And, you will have to scrub him.

Conversley, you could accept the reality here and now that he is intimacy averse to you and scrub him now, thus saving you a couple of years ******* about on HIS issues.

Depends really, on whether you want to **** another couple of years up against the wall.

Tread your own path.

<p>While you are chasing the WHY here I recommend you look into getting your own place.</P><br />
<p>Because if you value intimacy and sexual ex<x>pression in a relationship where sexual fidelity is expected (which means the person you are committed to provides it on a regular and frequent basis and gives a rats rump about your long term intimate satisfaction) the probability that you will live these values with this man hovers at zero.</P><br />
<br />
He has communicated his intimate averse position by words and deeds. I recommend you respect his choices and then make a plan to get to living a higher quality of life.<br />
<p>Radical changes in behavior such as he has exhibited are signs that he has deep seated issues with intimacy. Issues, that, at your ages, are probably set in stone. This is what he is telling you. BELIEVE HIM.</P>

My husband just has a plain lack of experience, he is very shy. At least I know he is not cheating.

I must admit I feel a little silly putting all of this out here. I've never joined a chat room, I guess facebook is as close as I've been, and I don't ever put my "dirty laundry" on facebook. Anyway, I think y'all are all very kind to read my story and be supportive. I cannot talk to anyone about this. I have close friends I would like to talk to sometimes, I just never do. I can just imagine, "Oh by the way, I'm not getting any and it's really frustrating." Really? I'm not that kind of person.

I've tried talking to him in every way I know how. I've tried subtle, sweet, understanding, helpful, forceful. Nothing, he doesn't respond. The most I got out of him was when I backed him in a corner, I simply asked him why he doesn't like sex and to just tell me, his response was that he didn't want to hear about it again.

Control issues make sense considering his past (ex-wife). I don't know that he realizes how much he's hurting me, I don't want to believe that anyway. I've been deceived for sure. I have two teenage boys who love him dearly. He knows I would never hurt them, therefore, he is controlling my actions through them. I can't just walk away and yank them from their comfort zone to appease my sex drive. I keep enabling this situation by painting a pretty picture on the outside, all the while crying, screaming on the inside.

I'm not a cheater, I've thought about it many times, I just can't do it. I don't like sex for the sport of it, it's much more than that for me. I want to connect with my man, feel closer to him, go to that place no one else can take me, that's the turn on of it. So there is no turn on with a stranger for me. If I'm having sex with a man, that's the man I want to spend time with. I'm not an affair kind of girl. And even as I'm typing this, I yearn for the touch of a man who desires me.

You read like someone who needs to live authentically. You need to find out how to do that. Painting a pretty picture on the outside all the while crying is a big lie and by doing that you are engaging in self harm. And it is a lie to your kids too. Believe him when he says he doesn't want to hear about it again. RESPECT IT and make a plan. He has unilaterally made the choice to keep himself separate from you. From that there will be long term consequences. He has told you his stance and that will probably never change - now it is up to you as accept his stance without complaint or craft a plan to improve the quality of your life - with, or without him.

lonelyouthere: You've written a pretty good description of where I was, how I felt, and my values. I tried for years and years to try to get to the bottom of what was going on in my marriage. In the end I realised it was never going to change. You need to consider that this might possibly happen to you too. You need to stare this in the face and do something about it, and you need to consider timelines. As you've probably seen on here already, this stuff can drag on for decades if you let it.

Clocks ticking.

I totally liked this guy and he says to me ,don't like me just &amp;*%$ me. there are extremes to both ends.

Chasing the why will not help you. Read up here i can guarantee you he is intrested in sex just not with you.

Its ultimatium time and you need to lay your cards on the table. Be careful however not to make ultimatiums you are not prepared to go through with.

More damage you will do if he knows you are all talk.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Welcome to our world. So sorry to hear what you're going through. Read through the stories. I am certain you will find great encouragement and support here. Blessings.

Thank You

i feel your pain... i am engaged to a man who has sex with me about twice a month and its like pulling teeth to get him to have sex with me... i am 31 he is going to be 40 this year.. its mess but its my fault for sticking this throgh knowing that its probably not going to change

@gibby no i am not going to... i realize its not going to change no matter how hard i try. he is a good man, but i need some intamacy with my partner

Oh...don't marry him, honey...please don't. Please...you will be miserable. Trust me.

I'm a little curious as to why you say you're engaged to him, then. Really, if you're not getting the intimacy you desire right now, it sure won't get any better once you take your vows.

i agrre with all if you... i am not going to stay engaged... because i will only end up cheating on him at this point

Very smart move.

;-)

Good plan...

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