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Lonely, Just Lonely

I'm with a man who doesn't have sex with me. He doesn't initiate it and when I initiate, he pushes me away. We have sex sometimes twice a month and sometimes not for several months. And when we do its for 5 mins maybe. I cant remember my last ****** with him inside of me. I can't say he doesn't desire sex because I honestly don't know. I recently found history in our computer of him looking at sexy pics of Danica Patrick, so I know he has some desire. I just can't understand why he doesn't want me. We are both attractive people, in shape, slender, stylish, etc. we are both in our early 40's so not as young ad we once were but still plenty of life and sexuality in us. We were high school sweethearts, we went our separate ways for 17 years. We've been back together for three years. When we first got back together we had sex all of the time. Some days we didn't get out of bed. Since I decided to move in with him the sex stopped. Literally immediately. He is very tender, loving, snuggles every night. He won't kiss me passionately unless he wants sex, otherwise it's just a peck, even if I ask for more. I'll try to nibble on his lip, he tells me to stop. I'm at this place I don't understand. I've never been with a man who didn't want me every day. I'm so caught up in the why of this that when we do have sex I can't relax. I'm so lonely inside.
lonelyouthere lonelyouthere 41-45, F 59 Responses Dec 4, 2012

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He knows whats up. Call him on it. men do not beat around the bush to get answers. It will contiue as long as you keep bein a nice person. honestly, men know some women put up with misery.

Try to search for John Gray and Men are from Mars, Women from Venus. He will help you, I hope, to come to some sort of understanding.

Thanks for your reply..
It wont be easy to convince your man to discuss either a lack of interest in sex, or a problem with performance, with his doctor.....But he has to start somewhere.
These things don't fix themselves and YOU can't fix them either. He has to make that move. All you can do is support him and explain to him that there are millions of men with similar problems.....and none of them have to suffer in silence..Take a look at all the info on ED on line and check out all the books available as well.Check out "The Sex Starved Wife " and the websites she has. ( Michele Weiner Davis ) Lots of tips on how to start the proccess of him being able to at least discuss the possibilites .
IF there is a problem in this area, no amount of you trying to turn on your mate will help....it will do the opposite, if he is unable to get his confidence back.This may not be the reason he is doing the things he is , but then at least you have ruled it out..
Most ED problems can be improved , but only if you seek help !!
Good luck ..i will be thinking of you ...keep us up to date.

Contrary to what women think lots of men dont think of sex 24/7. In fact many of us couldnt care less about it me being one of them.....A lot of women like to kid themselves that men cant live without it. I have managed to for 67 years.

Have u talked to him about why or ask him if he has any fantasy hed like to act out maybe experiment. Maybe all you have to do is spice it up dont jump to the worse give him the benefit of the doubt.

He's getting it somewhere else. Believe me he's getting it somewhere. Don't trust him. We can go for awhile without it but they can't. You better find out if he's cheating. Don't get blindsided like I did.

I agree with you, he isnt that interested in your cookies because he either tested more delicious ones and he relly likes you but isnt the kind of man to kick you out, or he is focused on getting the teasing cookies inside the glass window

I completely understand where you are coming from. It happens with most men cause I am also one. Kindly understand what I have to say if you want to flare up your sexual life. You have become predictable for him, easily available all the time. This easy availability extinguishes the desire to some extent. Keep some distance from him for most probably a week or two and don't initiate sex and if he does then don't display your satisfaction during the act. Unfaithful men tend to act this way, but I won't assume that. All you have to do is play hard to get without him noticing it.

Time to move on and out the door immediately. The same thing happened to me. I didn't know what was going on. From what you say, he is the one with the problem not you.
It appears what you are experiencing is a picture of your future with him. Do you want that?
How many years are you prepared to be understanding?
I left and have not regretted it.

Summer

Sorry if I'm butting in but I was *once* in this kind of sexless situation (not actually married but living together) and the one who wasn't putting out was me, the male. I can only say that what had happened amounted to an impasse that had gradually arisen and then suddenly stuck and although we had several times broken through it, something in me did not WANT to break through it. Which led over a long period and the split up to looking back and realising I had not listened to myself saying 'I DON'T WANT THIS'.

While fairy tales involve one happy ever after, the answer is that there are many. But you have to make the move and the move is moving on. Regrets you may have but it's just a waste of time. There are other cafes to drink in than this one. Make sure you visit a few before you get stuck with another.

Sorry if this sounds cynical. It isn't. It's the TRUTH.

At least your getting it twice a month!! And he kisses you while you are having sex! He is giving you a peck go buy? I have not been kissed in Years! Not even a peck. Let alone Sex in the past two plus years I have had sex once. We don't sleep in the same bed anymore. I have really thought about stepping outside our marriage...but I can't bring myself to that point yet...Why is that? Does anyone know? Is it so I can say I never cheated? Or is it cause I'm sarced?

I don't have an answer for you but i guess it's a case of when enough is enough.
In a SM situation both partners stand their ground on the issue , both feel the pain( even the refuser is in pain ) , but only one seems to feel that the lack of sex and intimacy is a huge problem.And it absolutely is....
What you said about being able to say that you never cheated,it is an honourable thing, but it reminded me of something i read.....No one is going to give you any medals at the end of your life for having suffered through it by remaining loyal....
I would never cheat ...can't exactly explain why .....It's just not in me.( Had i married someone else I may have looked at things differently.)

Perhaps a bit of an obvious question. Does sex hurt him? A couple years ago I started having painful erections and found the more turned on I got the more it hurt. Eventually gathered enough courage to see a doctor and after about a month I was back to being pain free most of the time. But during that time I really tried not to get turned on.

I understand completely, I have been in a relationship for 6 years and for four of those years I have gone months without sex. He cuddles but sex seems like a chore, I am in my peak here and I just don't know how to handle it anymore. I hope you find resolution, please keep us updated.

hi lonelyyouthere, You really need to ask him a few serious questions, even though you may not want to hear the answers from. He is a man and they can go to wars and they can stand up to most difficult situations.. really.. so when we loving caring sonsiderate forgiving women put up with our men bad or confusing behavior they know that most times they can get away with alot. If he was in a relationship with someone strong mentally and emotionally.. his behavior would not be put up with. You carew about him so much but if you become strong and ready to deal with honesty. then do not allow for his behavior to continue any longer. You have to be prepared to be strong no matter what he tells you. He knows most women are to forgiving and that allows some men to get away with the excuse me (***** crap)...try it.

You are right about this! I tend to sugar coat things rather than draw a line in the sand. He was married to a very strong woman, I most certainly need to stand more firm. Thank you

It could be a pyschological problem hes harboring, get a shrink. Talk about it evrryday till he understands its impottant to, if he wont change, he doesnt care, you find an alternative.

I do believe it is psychological, due to his job, it very well may be. I just need to convince him to do something about it. At least explore that option, exploring any option would be a step in the right direction.

lonelyouthere....exploring any option can only help....you will learn more about whats going on in his head or heart. Have a look at my other reply to you further down the page.

Call me.

Take part in the decision making so he doesn't have complete control. Don't be so ready to go every time he is. Get some distactions; fantasy, group therapy. New interests, friends that are just for you. Spark your desire out in the world!!

Christ Girl. Talk to him. If he has a problem get him down the Doctors. If he simply does not Love / Want you anymore replace him with someone who does. Please tell me you didn't suddenly grow to 200 pounds after marriage because that would stop me as well.

Haha, no I have not gained any weight. It would be simple to wrap my brain around this if I had gained or changed, but I haven't. Thanks for the response, I'll keep trying to talk to him. He usually shuts down and won't talk, he gives no information at all, just hugs me and tells me he loves me. That's what is so frustrating.

In order to gain true happiness, fulfilment you must take control of your life. If it means a period of estrangement from this man or even a permanent break, for the sake of your conscience do it. Life is short, be happy...

Good Luck

Sorry to tell you this, but it only has two answers. One he is cheating on you.
second answer, he maybe gay, and just don't know how to tell you. You want to know how I came by those two answer only? My friend husband was doing the same thing to her, it went on for years, he was pretending all the time for her, 20 years in a marriage, and the same things that you are describing is the same thing he was doing, but the bad thing about it he was gay and our youth minister at the same time. So everyone felt it for her and as a youth group we also felt let down. But look on the bright side, if he is not gay and just cheating, you have a chance of making things up with him. But if he is gay the man is gone, because gay people when they **** you you will not want the opposite sex again, so I have heard.

I understand your feelings.. Can i suggest you to talk to him abt this openly and when u talk to him please also show him how that makes you feel. Sometimes other person is not even aware of the needs and wants of the other gender.
I hope this all is temp and u both come to a solution !!!!

Mellow, it's possible but not in my situation. My husband got a job where he spent a week away at a time and I was so excited, thinking now that he can't have me, he'll want me. Didn't work that way. In fact it led to even more disappointment. As I now had expectations for our reunions, and it never worked out how I hoped.

How about looking at this from another angle.
Is it possible that he may have a physical problem?
If he only takes 5 minutes to ******, and he pushes you away (maybe to discourage you from asking something of him that he cannot do), he may have problems that he is embarassed to discuss. Most men have too much pride to talk about it.
How bold are you? See if you can get a business card from a urologist and leave it for him on his computer. When he asks what that is about, tell him. Say that you love him, and you think he loves you, so if he is having problems that prevent him from having sex, you are ready to help him find a solution.
It is a way of opening the door for communication.
Take it from there. Whatever direction the conversation goes, you will have an answer one way or the other. This worked for my man and I. He said sex was painful, and it turned out that he had a very fixable problem. After a couple of months, we are intimate again.
Good luck to you, I hope you can find a good resolution.

I'm there ;)

can you expand on "how you are wired" ?

Me? Nothing results in satisfaction other than adult pants wetting.

once you stop finding fault with his behaviour there is a risk he will go to the Cold War.

you might also ask him...your H....what stage he sees the relationship in.

though he may not be honest with you.

My fear is, the way I'm wired, is that when I stop caring, I literally stop caring. It's a dangerous recipe.

after you have done so tell me which stage is your marriage in :

* PowerStruggle
* Cold War
* Heading for Divorce/Seperation
.....

and how long have you been in that stage ?

Power Struggle, 1.5 years, feels like a cold war some days.

i would like you to read Al Turtle's work ( a north american relationship counsellor ) and in particular his "Map of Relationships".

or I could give you a short version of it here.

I'll look it up right now.

We've past the Romantic stage that's for sure, now I will say we are in a Power Struggle. It makes me realize that while I've been frustrated all I could focus on was getting the Romantic stage back, but he's so right, that's not growth, I'm ready to move on so we can grow into a vintage love. Thank you for the advice, I am going to check him out some more!

are you venting ..or asking for ideas ?

I guess both, but I have to say, I'm tired of the "just leave him" ideas. Leaving is the easy part, I've got that figured out, if I was willing to throw in the towel I wouldn't be venting/searching on here.

I know the feeling I married my teenage sweatheart, he was sweet on me. It wasn't until I was 48 and fed up with my family, that I got in touch with him again. We were married a few months later. I initiate sex on our honeymoon but I get an unpassionate response. I cried, right then and there. I like a man to make a pass at me and I told him if he is waiting for me make the first moves, then he's gonna be waiting a long time. Yea no sex at all ever. Well at least I have many lovers before him. And hopefully after.